


Letters In The Mail

by the_three_trenchcoat_wearers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Pen Pals, Slow Build, Teen Castiel, Teen Dean, Teenagers, Young Castiel, Young Castiel/Young Dean Winchester, Young Dean Winchester, cuteness, i think it's cute, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 85,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4546869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_three_trenchcoat_wearers/pseuds/the_three_trenchcoat_wearers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The third grade classes of Little Elementary in Lawrence, Kansas and Webster Elementary in Pontiac , Illinois were given a project to have a pen-pal. It was up to you if you wanted to keep writing or not. Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester are paired together for the project, and not ever having met before, start to write... and write... and write. And soon the third grade bleeds into the fourth, then the fifth, and all the way into high school. Secrets are shared, lives are destroyed, and the letters never stopped coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You've Got Mail

“Alright class, I am coming around with a list of names from Ms. Mosely’s class in Lawrence, Kansas. I want you to choose one name, and write it down on a piece of paper. We will start our project after everyone has a name. Everyone understand?” Mrs. Kali was a strict teacher, but that’s what Castiel liked. She was very smart, and also very kind, but she gave lots of homework. But Castiel didn’t mind, he liked the work. So when she came around with a clipboard, he was very excited. That is until he realized he would be the last person to get a name. He didn’t want the last kid on the list. But Castiel was supposed to do as he says. That’s what third grade is all about. Being good.

“Oh cool, I got some girl named Charlotte!” That was Dorothy, her parents moved here last year from Colorado, so she was very adventurous. But that made Castiel sad, what if he wanted a girl named Charlotte?

“Haha, somebody is named JoAnne. I think I will like her.” That was Malachai, he was kind of mean.

“I picked a boy named Ash. That’s a stupid name.” Castiel thought that Inias was kind of stupid too, so he guessed that would work. And finally the board came around to him. The last name that didn’t have a set of initials by it was somebody called Dean. So he scribbled CN next to the name, and wrote Dean down on the paper he had in front of him. They all looked back up to Mrs. Kali when she cleared her throat.

“All right class, here’s how this is going to work. You will write your first draft today during class, I will look over it during lunch and then you will write the final draft after lunch. Then tonight I will take these to the post office and mail them for you.” She turned to start writing on the board with her piece of chalk.

“Start with saying ‘Dear- their name’, the introduce yourself. We have gone over how to write a letter before, so if you have any questions, come and ask me. You may begin.”

Castiel sat stunned. He had dreamed about getting the chance to get a pen pal for years, had practiced his handwriting so that the other person would be able to read what he wrote, and now that he actually had the chance to write, he didn’t know what to say. He could start with ‘hello’.

THREE DAYS LATER:

“Alright kids, now settle down. Charlie, I can see you. Your read hair is hard to miss. Thank you. Now, here we have the letters from the school in Pontiac, Illinois, and that mean’s that you have pen pals.” The class cheered and Ms. Mosely nearly covered her ears. But as soon as the kids saw her stern face, they settled down. Well, Dean had never gotten riled up anyways so he was actually the best behaved at the moment… which was a little out of character.

“Where are they?”

“Can we have them?”

“Please?!”

Everyone was shouting for joy at the fact that the letters had arrived. Mosely waved a calm hand over the students, and using her “magic powers” everyone sat down instantly.

“I would like you all to come up here, one at a time, and I will give you the letter that was written to you. Charlie, we will start with you. ‘For Charlotte, From Dorothy.’” Charlie made her way to the front of the class, her red hair swinging wildly in the pony tail she was wearing it in as she bounced all the way to Ms. Mosely and then back to her seat.

“Can I open it?” She already had her finger under the seal.

“No, not until everyone has theirs.” Ms. Mosely gave her a stern look and called out the next name. “Ash, from Inias.” Ash came up and got his. “Benny, from Hester. Jo, from Malachai. Lee, from Daniel.” She read off most everybody else’s name, except for one. Dean sat back in his chair, knowing that he wouldn’t have gotten a letter. He had been skipped over before, this wasn’t odd for him. But what was odd is that Ms. Mosely called out his name next, and last. “And finally, Dean. This is from Castiel.”

Stunned, Dean got up from his chair slowly and silently crept to the teacher. She always seemed much nicer up close, and right now she was giving him the biggest smile, making sure he knew that it was OK, that he hadn’t been forgotten. So he gently took the letter from her outstretched hand and made his way to the back of the class, not even denting a corner of the envelope.

“Alright, you may now-” her words were cut off by the tearing of paper as the kids opened their letters. Dean on the other hand kept his on his desk. Carefully reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his not-allowed pocket knife. With his other hand he grabbed the envelope and brought it under the table. With one quick, precise move, the seal was cut. A perfect edge. He replaced the knife back into his pocket. He slowly drew out the folded pieces of paper from the envelope, and set the on the desk. He had three papers. He looked over at Ash.

“Ash, how long is yours?” Ash glanced down at his before answering.

“A page and a half. That’s so much!”

“Yeah, it is.” Dean looked back down at his own three pages. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to finish reading this before they had to start writing their own. One time a teacher had called him dyslexic, but he wasn’t that. Words didn’t get jumbled up for anything, he was just a slow reader. Sometimes he had to read things two or three times for them to make sense. So those three pages of careful handwriting were very scary. But he took a deep breath, and began.

_Dear Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                                 September 12_

__

_I’m not entirely sure where to start, even though we have had lessons on how to write these. My teacher says to start with introducing ourselves. So here goes. My name is Castiel Novak. My teacher is Mrs. Kali. She’s nice and strict, but that’s ok. That means that we learn to write really well. We were told that if we didn’t know what to say we should tell our pen-pals things that we like to do. So here are some things that I like to do._

_I love to read. I like reading about science, mostly. The stars are so enamouring! (That’s a new word I learned the other day. To be ‘enamoured’ means to be in love, so the stars are easy to be in love with.) I like to read about people and animals too. I want to be an astronomer, but my father thinks that’s a silly profession. (That’s another new word, it means a job.) He thinks that I should be a doctor, so that’s what I am going to be. I can look at the stars whenever I want._

_Another thing that I love to do is write. That’s why this letter is probably going to be so long. I hope that’s OK with you. I like to write stories about everything, but mostly about people who I haven’t met yet, but have seen. Like this little old lady on the bus a few days ago. She was wearing a yellow hat so I wrote a story about how the yellow hat was her grandmother’s hat, and how it was very important to her._

_I also really love to watch lightning storms. I heard that you get those a lot where you are, Kansas. I bet they are really pretty. Oh! Another thing we were told that we can talk about is our family._

_I have three bigger brothers and one little sister. The biggest brother is named Michael, then the next biggest is Luc (but his real name is Lucifer, but we get yelled at if we call him that). My favorite is Gabriel. He’s only two years older than me, so he’s fun to play with. He likes candy a lot. And then Anna is three years younger than me. She’s annoying but that’s what little sisters are for. I also have a mom and a dad. They are married. We live in a big house with a yard and a fence._ __

_Can I tell you a secret? I am so excited that I am finally able to have a pen-pal. I’ve tried writing to people before but then I don’t know how to do addresses or anything so I can’t send them. But Mrs. Kali does, so she sent these for us._

_I collect things too. I like to collect books, and I have lots of pennies. I am trying to get a penny from every year that I can._

_Even though I am young, I help my dad when he works. He wears a suit and tie and does something called Tax Returns, which I still don’t really understand. When I help him I usually just get him coffee and straighten papers on his desk. But when I do go in with him, I have to wear a suit and tie too. Bit they are itchy so I don’t like it, but dad says that you focus all of the itchiness to your fingers so that you can write and type faster. But I don’t have anything to write or type when I help him, so that doesn’t do much good._

_My teacher says that when I write I tend to ramble, but so far everything that I have written is very important for you to know about me. I find details very important in life, and that’s one of the reasons that dad thinks I would be a good doctor. But that’s also another reason why I think I would be a good astronomer. I would be able to tell when things are different in a big picture. Like when an asteroid is passing through a picture, I can tell if it has shifted positions._ __

_Mrs. Kali says that we aren’t supposed to write too much, so I will end this here. I hope I didn’t just ramble the entire time. I hope you have a good day (and also that you respond)._

__

_Castiel Novak_

The handwriting was fairly neat, with it being long and slanted. He was very impressed by the big words that this kid had used, he was glad that Castiel had explained them to him through the writing. And it didn’t take him as long to read this as he thought it would. Everyone was already writing, but they had just gotten started. Now it was his turn. Would he have to write as much as Castiel did? He hoped not. So he put his pencil to the paper, and started to talk to someone he would never meet.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE DAYS LATER

 

The first letters had arrived in Pontiac just this morning, and Castiel was bouncing out of his seat in excitement. In fact, everyone was. Mrs. Kali’s usually perfectly well behaved class was almost out of control with excitement for the letters that she held in her hand.

“Alright, so I will call your name and you will come get your letter. Do not open them until everyone has one. Understood?” The class nodded vigorously, wanting their letter. “Inias.” He came up to the front of the class, got his letter and sat back down. “Dorothy. Malachai. Hester. Balthazar.” She called out every single name… except one. Castiel had shrunk in size as fewer names were being called, and his hadn’t been one of them. Had he written too much? did he scare of the other kid? “Castiel. Here is yours.”

He nearly bounded out of his chair, but remembered his composure just in time. Even though it was public school, they had rules about being too loud and stuff. So he hurriedly made his way to the teacher, collected the envelope, and made his way back to his desk.

“Alright, open them.” The call tore open the envelopes, Castiel included. The letter inside wasn’t all that long, but at least he had gotten a reply. So he was happy with it.

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Sep. 15_

__

_I’m Dean Winchester. Winchester as in the rifle. I guess I could introduce myself as well. I like to go hunting, and I really like cars. My dad’s a mechanic so that’s what I am going to be. Cars are super fun. I like getting messy in the oil and grease._ __

_My teacher is Ms. Mosely. She’s nice, but she can be very mean sometimes. It doesn’t help that I don’t like to learn. It’s not that I can’t learn, I can, I’m not stupid, I just don’t like to. It’s not as much fun for me. But I like to learn about cars, and about things that go bump in the night, like werewolves._

_I have a dad, and a little brother, Sam. Sam is going to be very smart. He reads a lot too. Dad doesn’t think that it’s good that he reads so much, because he will have to work on cars for a living and you don’t need books to do that._

_I know this isn’t much, but I don’t know what to write. I’ve never had a pen-pal before, and I don’t like sharing much. it was nice to get a letter though. I still have the envelope. It was nice to talk to you._

__

_Dean Winchester_

Dean’s handwriting was kind of sloppy, and not very organized. He went everywhere with his thoughts, but he said that he didn’t like learning, so maybe he didn’t know how to write a proper letter. But that’s ok, because he got a reply. He didn’t think that he would get a reply. But just as he was about to start on his next letter to Dean, the teacher called their attention.

“OK kids. this is the last letter you will send from the school. If you want to continue to write to your pen-pal after their next letter arrives, you will have to do so from your own house. So talk to your parents about it. You may now begin to write.” So Castiel put his pen to the paper, and began his reply.


	2. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the way that I will write this is through their letters. Adding in outside dialogue is a little odd at the moment, but we will get there eventually, maybe when they are older. I'm not sure how long this will be but it will be at least several short chapters. I usually like to write long, fully formed chapters (see my other work, 'Doctor Sexy Wears Cowboy Boots' and you will understand what I am saying about [oh, and I haven't given up on that one, I'm just not sure how to continue it at the moment, if you were wondering]). Anyways, I've been writing snippets on my work breaks and now we are finally getting them "onto paper".

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                            September 18_

__

_I don’t know that much about cars, but I am willing to read a book or two on them. They have always interested me. To tell you honestly, my family doesn’t own a car. We ride bikes everywhere. But that’s because we live in the city. We even have super tall buildings. I asked Mrs. Kali what they were called and she said skyscrapers. They are massive. Some are all glass. I remember seeing an all glass building when I went to Chicago with my dad one time. Mom didn’t go with us because Anna was still little then, but dad, Michael, Luc, Gabe, and I all went to the city to watch a baseball game. We cheered for the Cubs._

_I asked my dad about if I could have you send letters to my house, and he said that it was ok. So my address will be on the outside of the letter. I hope that you write back and send it to my house. That would be cool, to get a letter from you at my house. Hopefully Luc won’t open it first._

_Mom said that we might be able to get a dog. Because he have the yard, she said that we might be able to. But I don’t want a dog. I want a guinea pig, maybe name him Clarence. Do you have any pets? Gabe once had a parrot, but Luc taught it mean words so we had to get rid of it._

_You don’t really like to talk a whole lot, do you? That’s alright, I don’t mind. Just so long as I have someone to talk to. I learned another big word today from Michael. He said ‘sonder’, and I didn’t know what that meant so I asked him and he said that it was knowing that other people have their own thoughts and own opinions. It took me a moment, and then I remembered how you said that you only had a dad, and that there must have been something to happen where you only have a dad and not a mom. And that’s your life, and I might not ever know why you only have a dad, but that’s not my life. That’s yours. It’s a really big thing to think about._

_These are kind of hard to write, because I don’t know what to say all the time. So I hope that this will do for now. Maybe next time I get a letter I will have learned more words. That would be cool. Alright, I have to go now. We are about to start fractions. Goodbye._

__

_** ** _

 

 

He had learned how to sign his name using real cursive. Dean didn’t know cursive yet.

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                                                   Sep. 22_

__

_I wish I knew how to write in cursive. Ms. Mosely tried to teach us but I never got the hang of it. But I copied how to sign your name… cursive is fun. It’s all flowy._ __

_We don’t have skyscrapers here. But we have corn fields where farmers plant corn and wheat every year. When they cut it all down it gets really dusty and I sneeze a lot. I also sneeze around cats. Dad says that when I sneeze around a cat it’s called an allergy. I learned that word from him because he has an allergy to mushrooms._

_I saw a football game on TV once, but the picture was kind of blurry. We don’t have a TV, but that’s alright because my friend Jo does. Her mom owns a bar, so we sit in there sometimes and watch movies on the old TV in the back. We also get to eat the peanuts because her mom says they are free, so long as we sweep the floor after. But I know better. She just has us doing work so that she can afford the peanuts that we eat. Sometimes I even wash the tables and chairs before it opens so that people don’t stick to them._

_I don’t want to talk about my mom._

_I don’t know what to say either. I can talk about Sam though. He decided that he wanted to play soccer so dad put him on the list yesterday to play. He will start tomorrow. He’s very clumsy and he trips a lot. Sometimes he cries. But when he cries dad gets mad, so Sam doesn’t cry very much any more._

_I asked my dad about if I can have your letters sent here, but he said that stamps were… ex-pen-siv. That’s the word he used. So Ms. Mosely said that you can send the letters to the school and that I can write them during lunch, since I don’t eat anyways. Plus I’m not allowed on the playground for another two weeks because I pushed Ash down. He was being mean to Jo, and Jo is my friend. Then Garth told on the playground watcher about what I did. He is a snitch. He would make a good cop._

_Talking isn’t fun for me, but it’s easier to write than to talk so I don’t mind. My dad got a new car today in the workshop. It’s really big, and dad said that when we fixed it, it would be really loud. He said that it was a deer, but it doesn’t look like a deer. It’s black and has shiny mirrors. They are silver. The deer was run over by a big truck called a semi. I don’t know if city people have ever seen semi’s. They pull heavy things, and they have really big engines. I can sit in a semi’s tire. I’ve done it before._

_Dad works with his best friend Bobby. Bobby is kind of mean, but sometimes he’s nicer than dad. We call him Uncle Bobby. He used to drive semi’s which is why I know how big they are. He used to have a wife too, but I never met her. She got really sick and died. But I’m not sad about Aunt Karen. On her birthday Uncle Bobby gives her flowers. Dad doesn’t do that._

_Have a good day Castiel, lunch is over._

__

_Dean Winchester_ __

_(P.S. I asked Ms. Mosely if she can teach me how to do my name like you did yours, in cursive. But it’s really hard, so I will try next time.)_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                              Sep. 25_

__

_It’s ok that you don’t want to talk about your mom. My mom and dad both came from big families, but sometime they get on each others nerves so fights happen. I don't like to talk about those either... And thank you for sending that letter to my house. That was a fun surprise to get._ __

_I learned another word. This one is really cool. ‘Mudita’ which means pure joy. It’s fun to say. Does you dad own the place that he and your uncle work? I wish my dad owned where he works. That would make him happy._

_One thing that we were told that we should leave out for a little bit is if we are religious, but I think we are allowed to talk about it now. And I think I am. We go to church every week, and we pray before meals. But one thing that I don’t understand is how there could have been a person before people. Who created God? And why did he pretty much kill his son? Killing people is wrong, and killing your son is very wrong. Do you believe in God? It won’t change how I view you if you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’._

_I know I already talked about the stars, but that’s another thing about religion that I don’t understand, is how God could have made the stars. They are very hot, and you can’t touch them. Plus they are bazillions of miles away. Oh well, I know that they are just hot gas. So maybe God knows also. Do you think stars are God’s toots?_

_Dad said that I shouldn’t add that last part, but I want to know what you think. Because you seem smart about that kind of stuff. And I’ve never seen a semi. I asked Gabe what they were and he said that they don’t come to town very often. I also asked him what deer car looks like, but he didn’t know that one either. I hope that you get to help fix it. That would be fun._

_Sam sounds like a fun kid. Anna isn’t so bad, but she still just runs around and it’s hard to get her attention. I bet he would have fun in soccer. How much younger than you is he?_

_Michael says that it’s time for dinner so I will keep writing this when I get back. Don’t go anywhere._

_Dinner was very yummy tonight. We had- uh, I don’t know how to spell it. Noodles with the red sauce and meatballs. Anna decided that she was going to throw a tantrum because she got a noodle up her nose. I don’t know how she did it, but it happened._

_Cursive is really fun when you learn how. Maybe I will write my next letter in cursive just to practice. The capital letters are my favorite. I like the big ‘Q’ best thought, because it looks like a ‘2’._ __

_I don’t think you ever answered my question about thunderstorms, did you? We have snow storms here, but not that many lightning storms._

_Mom told me it was time for bed, so I have to go. Sleep well, Dean._

__

_Castiel Novak_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                                          September 29_

__

_We have lots of thunderstorms here, and they gets really loud and sometimes shake the house. I used to be scared but dad said that I wasn’t allowed to be scared by them, so I’m not. Sam still gets scared by them, but whenever he gets scared he comes to me and sleeps in my bed with me. I told him that the clouds are just having a fight, just like we have sometimes. Then I open the covers on my windows and we watch the lightning together until he falls asleep. I always carry him back to his room when he falls asleep because dad doesn’t like it when Sam sleeps with me. He says that Sam is a big kid and that he can sleep in his own bed. Sam is four years younger than me. He’s five right now. Sam started preschool this year, but dad doesn’t think that he should go to school when he is so young. I think he will like having other kids to play with._

_As for God, I’m not sure what I believe. We don’t go to church or anything, and I don’t know how to pray. I asked dad what it was and he said mean stuff about it, so I won’t write it down. I’ll ask Ms. Mosely after lunch what it is. She knows all about that stuff. So I can’t tell you exactly what I think about stars being God’s toots, but I like the theory. (That’s the new word I learned today. It’s not as big as the ones you know but it’s new for me. It means an idea, or something like that). I think there is something out there but I’m not sure what it is. Maybe one day God will come to earth and we can ask him if stars are his toots._

_So the car that dad and Uncle Bobby are working on is called an Impala, not a deer. I guess a deer is a kind of tractor? I’ve never paid much attention, but I’ll look at a tractor next time I see one and tell you all about it._ __

_Uncle Bobby said that I can help him work on my own car while dad fixes the Impala. I got to sit in it yesterday. It had weird seats that were all flat, and Uncle Bobby laughed when I asked him what they were called. He said they they were called ‘bench seats’, and that they were in really old cars. When I asked if that meant cars that were older than him he laughed again. He said that he was older than the car! That’s weird. I didn’t think that Uncle Bobby was old. I guess that means that dad is old too though. I never asked him if he was old because he would have gotten mad. I don’t like it when dad gets mad._

_Ms. Mosely said that I can go outside during recess now, but I don’t want to. I like writing to you. you use big words and use cursive. Oh! I learned how to write my name in cursive. It look a little while because sometimes it takes me a few tries to learn something, but I learned how. Now I can write your name and my name. See? Castiel Novak. Dean Winchester. My last name is really long. But it’s fun to write in cursive._

_It’s almost the end of September, and that means that we have been writing for about a month now. That’s a long time. I don’t know if anyone else is still writing to each other, but I never hear. Maybe that’s because I stay inside during recess and don’t have money for lunch. But I don’t care, because you are still here._ __

_Ms. Mosely said that I can use something called a ‘conjunction’ and say you’re, which is a mashup of ‘you’ and ‘are’. But it means the same thing! I told you she was smart. I didn’t know that you could smash words together. But didn’t is one of those as well… ‘did’ and ‘not’... how weird is that?!_

_Sam went to his first soccer practice yesterday. They didn’t do much, just kind of ran around in circles. But that’s good because he slept all night long and ate a big breakfast this morning. You were right, you said that he would love it, and he does. He asked me when we were going to go back to play with the ‘dot ball’. That is what he called the soccer ball._

_I have to go, recess is over now and that means that it is time for silent reading. I don’t like reading very much. It takes me a long time to read. But now I just read the letters you sent to me because I know all the words already. I also used the word ‘profession’ a few days ago, and asked Uncle Bobby if fixing cars was his profession. He said that is was and said that whoever taught me that word was really smart. I didn’t tell him it was you because he doesn’t know that I write to you, but he called you really smart. I hope that makes you happy. It made me happy._

_I am going to sign my name again, just to make it all official that I learned how to write my name in cursive. This is my signature. I will talk to you soon Castiel._


	3. You Don't Dress Up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this the letters will jump larger amounts of time. I just really wanted you to understand where each of them come from. I really wanted to show the juxtaposition of their characters. This sets them up for the future and how they will balance each other out. Thanks for hanging on during the ride!

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                               October 2_

__

_That’s really good! I’m proud of you for learning how to do that. And I am very happy that you got to use the word ‘profession’. It did make me happy that your Uncle said I was smart. Can I ask you why he doesn’t know that we talk? It’s been a long time that we have started talking. I do not know if anyone else is still talking to their pen pal, but we have and it has almost been a month._

_I am very excited for Sam and his soccer. Little kids always need something to do. Anna has decided to start playing the piano that we have in our house. I don’t know very much about it but mom does. She used to play piano for her college. She went to college to become a flower arranger. She said it was called a buttonist. But she played piano for the band. She says she used to be really good, but she doesn’t play anymore so I don’t know if she is lying or not._

_Anna doesn’t know how to play yet. She just hits the keys and pretends that she is playing a song. I was hoping that mom would teach her to play, but she says that because she hasn’t played in a long time that she forgot how. Anna wants to take piano lessons though, so I think dad is going to pay for a few for her._

_Mom said that we can get a dog, so we are going to look for one tomorrow. Maybe the next letter I send I will add pictures to so that you can see the dogs that we see, and I can show you the one we get. That would be fun. And I like cats. It’s icky that they make you sneeze though. When I eat kiwi my face gets red. Mom says that is an allergy. So I’m not allowed to have kiwi anymore. My friend Inias can’t have peanuts. He has to carry around a needle with him so that if he accidentally eats one he can poke himself with the needle and it saves him from dying. I’ve had to get shots before but I’ve never given myself one. And Inias isn’t really my friend, he’s just one of the boys in our class._

_I don’t really have any friends. Sometimes I eat lunch with Gabe, but he is in 5th grade and he has lots of friends, so I can’t always eat with them. Sometimes I play on the playground with a girl called Hester. She’s a little mean sometimes. Gabe said that they call people like her a ‘brat’. I thought a ‘brat’ was a kind of hot dog, so maybe that means she’s a dog?_

_Oh well. Are the kids in your class nice to you?_

_Mom called. She said that I had to stop writing because I have some homework to do. We are reading S.O.S. Titanic, which is a different version of the Titanic. It’s not that good of a book, but I like to read so it’s not that bad. I’ll talk to you later Dean._

__

_Castiel_

The fact that he didn’t sign his last name was a key to Dean that they were slowly becoming friends. The letters were becoming less formal and easier to read. Not just to mention that Castiel hasn’t been using those massive words anymore, but just because he makes it easier for Dean. Now, Castiel wasn’t dumbing himself down for the other boy, but he understood that Dean’s reading talents were lower than his, so he changed the way he wrote. But only slightly. It was during recess that Dean was sitting in Ms. Mosely’s room reading Castiel’s latest letter, when there was a knock at the door. Dean looked up from the paper, and lowered his feet from the desk where they had been resting. Ms. Mosely gets up from her chair and makes her way, slightly waddling, to the door.

“May I- oh hello John. Dean, your father is here.” Ms. Mosely turned away from the door, revealing the massive Winchester father. Dean swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in his throat, and slid the letter into his desk, ignoring the painful image of the corner being bent back on itself.

“Hi dad.” Dean stood from his chair, squaring off his shoulders. Ms. Mosely didn’t say anything, but watched the entire interaction with wide eyes.

“Dean, I got a call from the principal saying that you were refusing to go outside. How am I supposed to have a normal kid if you decide that you want to be stupid and not go outside?” Ms. Mosely decided at that moment that she should speak up. But her quick start of ‘John’ was cut off by a massive hand.

“Dad, I just don’t like going outside. I get in fights, I get in trouble.”

“You get in trouble for getting in fights? Are you starting them or ending them?” John moved closer to his son, casting him in a large, dark shadow. But brave little Dean didn’t back down. He kept his chin up and looked his father in the eyes.

“Usually ending them.” With that John turned on the teacher, staring her down. But she too stood her ground, and surprisingly didn’t cower under his steel based glare.

“Why is he getting in trouble for ending fights? That should be something to root for.” Ms. Mosely merely turned her head a little to the side in order to get a better look at Dean’s father.

“I know where he gets it, now.” She spoke softly, so much so that Dean craned his head a little bit in order to hear her honey filled voice. John was stunned at the words as well.

“I- excuse me? What did you say about me?” Dean retracted his head from the conversation, knowing all too well that an angry dad usually lead to a sad, and sometimes hurt, person on the other end. But he didn’t cover his ears as the teacher responded.

“I understand why Dean is so stubborn in his ways, why he fights so much but fights so hard for what he thinks is right. He gets that from you.” John just stood with his jaw to the ground at the shorter woman. When he eventually got his breath back, he ignored her own dagger-filled gaze and turned back on his son.

“I am not raising a daughter. Get your ass outside, and keep it there. If I hear that you are avoiding more fights and wasting more of this teachers time, you will answer to me. Now scram.” John actually pointed at the door and Dean didn’t hesitate to book it out of the room and down the hallway, to make it to the door that lead outside. Once there, he took off after the head of bright red hair at the other end of the playground. As he arrived by Charlie’s side he wasn’t even breathing hard. That was an easy run compared to what his father made him do.

“Hey Dean, where have you been?” She was hanging around a big rock, with Ash and Jo at her sides. She was totally the queen of the playground.

“Dad showed up and said that I couldn’t stay inside any more. Hey, do any of you still write to your pen pals from Illinois?” He went to Charlie’s right side, his side, and faced the other kids of his class. Ash looked at the group.

“Well, sometimes we send letters back and forth, but not very often. Inias is kind of dumb.”

“Well that’s just because you are so smart Ash. He gets scared by the big words you use. I don’t really talk to Malachai. He stopped writing after he found out that I bit off the head of a rattlesnake last year. He didn’t even respond.”

“Eww, gross Jo. Why would you tell him that?”

“Because, Dean, he was annoying and he thought that he was cool. So i said it was cool that I bit through the snake.”

“How about you Charlie, do you still talk to Dorothy?” The group kind of looked at Dean like he was crazy.

“Why do you want to know?” She cocked her head to the side, curious about why Dean would venture outside after a month and then suddenly ask about pen pals. They haven’t even written to them in class for a long time. But Dean just shrugged his shoulders. “We do but not very often. Maybe once a week. Do you still talk to yours?” They all looked at Dean with wide curious eyes.

“No, he only responded the once.” The all nodded in understanding and went back to the conversations. Dean sat down in the shadow of the rock and played with his pocket knife.

_Castiel, __ October 7_

__

_I am sorry it has been so long. Dad made me go outside during recess so it’s been harder to find time to write to you. I hope that you didn’t think I had forgotten about our letters. They really make me happy. They are helping me too. It’s getting easier to read your letters because I understand how you write. Also writing helps me. I’ve used bigger words and I can write a lot better than when I started._

_Dad still doesn’t know that we are writing, but I don’t want him to know. This is just my thing and your thing. Not his. This is ours._

_I asked Jo, Ash, and Charlie (Charlotte) if they still write to the people in your class and they said that they didn’t really anymore. I guess that makes us special. It’s nice to feel this way. It’s a new, good feeling._

_And what you are thinking of is a bratwurst. That’s a kind of hotdog. My dad sometimes calls me a dog, but in a mean way. I don’t like my dad very much. He’s strict. Sammy gets scared of him sometimes. But it’s ok. Other parents can be mean too._

_I have to go. I am writing this at Jo’s mom’s bar. This is the address where you should send the rest of the letters. I talked to Jo’s mom and she’s the only one who knows that I am writing to someone. Sometimes she acts like a mom. Sam called her mom when he was really little, but he knows better now._

_I’ll talk to you as soon as I can. Bye Castiel._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean, __  October 10_

__

_That’s kind of sad about how Sam called Jo’s mom ‘mom’, he must not have remembered your real mom then. And I don’t think parents should be mean. Sometimes my parents get angry but that’s because we do something bad. Most of the times it Michael and Luc having a fight over something and then they get grounded. But I don’t like to get in fights. They end up with someone crying and it’s usually me. Sometimes people push me. But I don’t tell mom or dad because then they will get angry at me for getting into a fight._

_One time I came home from school with a black eye because a 5th grader pushed me off of the swing. They got mad because I told on him. Dad got mad at me. But I couldn’t fight back because I was smaller than he was._

_I noticed something really cool in the sky last night. I learned the name of a few constellations (pictures made up of stars) and I found one of them in the sky last night. It’s called Ursa Major, which means Great Bear. I don’t know what language though. Lots of people just call it The Big Dipper because it looks like a big pot. I think it’s called Ursa Major because there are other, less bright stars, that make the head and legs. The main star formation just makes the body and the tail. And I guess bears used to have big tails because that’s that Ursa Major has. Ursa Major also has a cub called Ursa Minor, and is just a tiny version of the big one. Isn’t it funny how stars can make shapes in the sky like that? I think so._

_The star formation names that I know are Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, The Seven Sisters, Pisces, Aquarius, Taurus, Orion, and Vela. They all have stories and meaning to their names. Some, like Orion, are hunters and are based off of real people! While Pisces and Aquarius are star signs that are supposed to shape your personality. You should ask Ms. Mosely what your star sign is so I can tell you all about it. Mine is a Cancer. I don’t have cancer, but I am a Cancer._

_Cancers are very family oriented (centered), love life, and family settings. We are something called traditionalists, and enjoy the simple things in life. We like history and the beginning of things (maybe that’s why I love the stars so much, because they all have a beginning). We are conservative and hide our emotions. Conservative, Michael says is when you don’t like to show other people who you are. Not shy, but are reserved. He said that reserved is someone who isn’t very social and doesn’t like to be talked to. I like talking though, so maybe my star sign is wrong about me. Talking is good for me. Talking lets people know what you are thinking about all the time._

_And I guess that I am ruled by the moon. That sounds good to me. Because on clear nights and the moon is really big I fall in love. At least I think it’s love. My heart gets all warm inside. Dad says that how he felt when he first saw mom, that his insides got all warm._

_Don’t worry about sending back letters fast. If you have to hide them then you can. I understand. So I will be calmly waiting for a return letter. Do you know what you are going to be for Halloween yet? I think I am going to dress up as a cow. They are silly._

__

_Castiel_

_(P.S. remember to tell me what your star sign is.)_

 

__Castiel_ , __ Oct. 17_ **  
**

__

_Thank you for understanding about the not being able to write very much. Jo’s mom said that you can send the letters here as often as we want and that she will pay for stamps. I don’t even have to work for her or anything. I like her. Sometimes when I am alone I pretend that she is my mom, but I don’t do that very much any more. She’s not my mom. But she acts like one. Like two days ago she took Sam to soccer practice because dad was at work. I got to go and so did Jo. And when Sam fell and scraped his knee, she told him that it was OK to cry. Then she kissed his knee and sent him back onto the field. I like Jo’s mom._

_I asked Jo’s mom what my star sign is and she said Aquarius (she helped me spell it). Jo is a Taurus, Uncle Bobby is a Leo and so is Sam, and dad is a Scorpio (I think)._

_I don’t remember ever dressing up for Halloween. I know people go Trick-or-Treating, but I’ve never gone. Sammy hasn’t either, so I don’t think we will be this year. Oh well. Sam and I eat enough candy anyways. Whenever we go shopping, dad says it’s one of the good things that we can buy with food stamps. I thought food stamps were like the ones you put on the letters we send, but they aren’t. It’s a piece of paper that you give to the person and then they type something in and then you get your food for free. I wish school lunch was like that._

_School is getting really hard for me. I can’t pay attention to what’s going on around me sometimes, and numbers don’t make sense to me. I think I need someone to help me learn but if I have to ask dad he will just call me stupid. So I don’t ask. I am still getting OK grades. Ms. Mosely said that if I get below a C then I have to ask for help. So I am getting C’s in my classes. I’m not stupid. I just can’t focus._

_Do you remember when you said that you have to wear suits sometimes and you have to make the itchy feeling go into your fingers? That’s what I have to do, that’s why I am writing so much. Your dad was right. Put the itchy in your fingers to make you write faster._

_I have to go, the bar is about to open for the night._

__

_Dean_

_Dean, ___                                                          _ October 20_

__

_Wow, I like that the itchy fingers worked for you._

_You don’t dress up?! But that’s what Halloween is all about! Getting dressed up and getting candy and eating it all that night and being sick in the morning. You are supposed to scare the little kids and get scared by the bigger kids. You are supposed to run around the block with your basket and ring doorbells and make people laugh at your costume._

_Maybe one day we can go Trick-or-Treating together, and we can dress up as pirates or firefighters or something. That would be fun!_

_Michael said then when you go Trick-or-Treating that you are supposed to carry fake spiders with you so that when people say ‘trick’ you can give them a spider! I think Luc did that last year because he isn’t allowed to go back to the yellow house at the end of the street. The lady there was very scared by him. But maybe it was because he had a fake axe sticking out of his head. I don’t know._

_An Aquarius are quiet people who like to accomplish big goals. Although their ways of getting things done may be a little odd, they get it done anyways. They are honest, loyal, and intelligent (very smart). A Leo is proud and strong, like a lion. They can be bossy and like to show off. But they are brave and quick thinking. But even though they are head-strong, inside they are loving, and generous, and kind. Scorpios can get carried away with how bold they are.They are usually misunderstood, and are very dedicated to the task on hand._

_That’s all I can remember about the signs. But the star things are cool, huh? I bet they are just like you, I know that mine is._

_I didn’t have much time to write this so I have to go now. I’ll talk to you later!_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Dean, __       October 27_

__

_I know I said that you can write whenever, but It’s been a week, and it’s almost Halloween. Mom helped me make my costume. I am going to be a vampire Astronaut! I will be wearing a black space suit and have a red cape and I will have fake teeth in._

_We still haven’t gone to look for a puppy, but I will send you pictures when we do._

_I wish you would write back soon._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                                            Oct. 30_

__

_Dad found my letters. He didn’t hurt them, but he said that we aren’t allowed to talk anymore. But I hope that we can._

_Goodbye._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                   November 1_

_Halloween was really fun. I wish you could have been there._

_Goodbye._

__

_Castiel._

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                    November 4_

__

_We went to look at dogs yesterday. Here are the ones that we saw._

 

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

 

_I think we are going to get the third one, the black one._

_I know you can’t reply but it’s fun to pretend to._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                                   November 7_

__

_I miss reading your letters. I wish that you could respond. But I can talk for the both of us. I like to talk. Remember? We got the dog. We found out that her name is Chyna, like China. She’s really sweet. I never asked your favorite color. I like green._

_**  
** Castiel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is free to give me their thoughts on how I should move the story. I have a general understanding, but I always like input. If you have any ideas, message me on my Tumblr, @the-three-trenchcoat-wearers


	4. They Know, But I'm Here

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                  November 11_

__

_Our school is starting the Thanksgiving Day play. It’s really simple. I am going to be villager number 3, and I even have a line. “Share our food with us.” I hope I don’t forget it. That wouldn’t be very good. I would just be standing there on stage with everyone looking at me. I would probably cry._

_Chyna really likes our home. She’s an older dog, that’s what the shelter people said. But she’s very smart. She knows how to sit and lie down and even knows how to shake. We didn’t teach her those, she came with those tricks. She gets scared if we get close to her while she eats, so we don’t. I have to remind Anna not to touch her when she is eating. Luc says that mean’s that she was abused when she was younger. Abused means beaten up. Just like me. I get abused by kids in my school. But you said that you don’t like when people are mean to your friends so you beat up the bullies. Sometimes I wish that you could come to my school and beat up my bullies. They like to pick on me. They like to say mean things to me and push me around._

_Today was a bad day at school. I got abused more. I don’t know this person’s name, but they didn’t like me for some reason. He kicked my legs and now they really hurt. They hurt so bad that I don’t like to walk. But I have to and if I show that I am hurt then mom and dad might pull me out of school. But Luc gets in trouble all the time at school but mom and dad don’t do anything about him. I guess he’s special like that._

_Mom and dad say that if you don’t start replying that I can’t send anymore letters because it’s wasting stamps. I don’t see why I should stop. These are my letters and not theirs. But I do have to go now. I have lots of math to do. How are you doing in school? I’m getting lots of B’s and some A’s. Goodbye Dean._

__

_Castiel_

 

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                 November 28_

__

_I didn’t have much to say in the letter that I wrote last week, did I? Well I will make up for it this time because I have LOTS of news. We did our play last night!_

_It started off with the pilgrims coming over of the Mayflower boat in the water. We had kids laying on their backs with their arms and legs in the air, and their arms and legs were covered in blue paper to look like water. The boat was cool too. You could actually stand on it and everything! Then when the boat landed in america, the tribe came out to greet them. I was in the tribe. Our chief got nervous, that was Inias. But he remembered his line. And so did I! I said my words and I didn’t mess up! I was scared that I would, but I didn’t. Gabe says that’s called stage fright. Do you ever get stage fright? I bet not. You sound really brave so I bet you aren’t afraid of anything._

_I don’t like spiders. They are weird and scary. I also don’t like worms. They are squishy and they have 7 hearts! Plus I don’t understand how they move. Do they eat the dirt, or just push it around? Do they have really tiny legs that we can’t see that they walk on? I don’t like them because they don’t make sense._

_Oh! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I almost forgot to tell you that. We are having lots of cousins and family come over to our house to eat tonight. We are having turkey and ham and potatoes and corn and beans and we are going to have apple pie for dessert. Pie is my favorite dessert._

_I learned the difference between dessert and desert. A dessert has two s’s because you want two helpings of it, while a desert only has one because you only want one desert and because they are very hot._

_Does it ever get really hot where you are? Sometimes it does here, but because we are close to the Great Lakes it stays cool all year. It’s getting cold out. This is my favorite time of year because the trees turn different colors. I like the ones that turn gold because it makes me think that they are gold pieces that a dragon would collect to trade. But Luc says that dragons aren’t real. I bet they are though. Luc likes to tell lies. He’s in middle school. Michael is in high school. He’s very smart. He says that he wants to do what dad does and do tax things._

_I really miss getting your letters, Dean._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                          Dec. 1_

__

_Dad finally got so annoyed by you sending letters to me that he said that I can start replying! I almost jumped for joy when he said that! I have kept every letter you have ever sent to me, even the first ones. I am so sorry that I couldn’t reply to you before, but dad was very clear that if I replied that I would get in trouble. Thank you so much for not forgetting about me, I never forgot about you._

_I have so much to tell you! I almost sent a letter once but I knew that if dad found out I would be in big trouble, so I didn’t. I was going to tell you about how Jo said that she was like my sister. I don’t have a sister and she doesn’t have any siblings, so we both gained little bits of family. And her mom said that I can come to the bar any time and write as long as I have my homework done first._

_I also practiced my handwriting. Can you tell? I worked on it really hard because I know that it was messy before but now it’s not so messy. It’s also easier to read other books now. I can read them almost as fast as some other kids in my class. And I also got a B on an english paper that I had to write. That is the best grade I ever remember getting! I think it’s because you have taught me bigger words. So I blame you for my good grades. Dad didn’t care about that though. He said that you don’t have to have good grades to be a mechanic, as long as I know what the radiator does._

_I am so excited that you got the dog! Chyna is very cute. She sounds smart too. Look! I learned that ‘too’ means ‘also’, and that ‘two’ is like ‘2’. They are different even though they sound the same. I bet Chyna is fun to play with. And I think your brother is right about her being abused. That’s how I feel sometimes, where I get really protective over my things. That’s why I care about little Sammy so much. I don’t want to see him hurt._

_On to happier things. Christmas is coming up. I already have my list written up. It’s not very long but I’m excited by it. I saw this really cool jacket at a store the other day. It’s all leather, and it has pockets on the inside! It looks a little big for me but that’s OK. Dad has a leather jacket that looks just like it. And even though I don’t always like my dad, he is my dad. That’s all I really want this year. That and maybe some new shoes. Mine are getting tight._

_I like dessert, too. My favorite is pie. All kinds of pie. I like apple, cherry, pumpkin, everything._

_My favorite color is blue. I have green eyes._

_I’ll write back as soon as you do._

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                    December 3_

__

_For Christmas I want books. Lots and lots of them. I also want some new games and some new toys. I don’t know how to ride a bike so I am going to ask for one. Maybe Michael will teach me how to ride it. He’s really good at riding his bike. Like, really, REALLY good. He can do tricks on his bike. Luc can ride a bike too but he likes to ride his skateboard more. Sometimes he goes to the skate park and shows off with his friends. His friends aren’t very nice either. One of them is named Alistair, and another is Crowley. They are bullies._

_The bullies at school got me again. I was swinging on the swings and some 6th grader came over and pushed me off. Why are kids so mean? I didn’t do anything to them. I was only having fun. Maybe they didn’t like that I was having fun. Maybe they didn’t like that I was alone? Kids can be very mean. But not you. I think that you are very nice. Because you talk to me. I don’t care that we talk on paper, because we still talk. And you are a good listener when I talk a lot. I think I am talking a lot right now._

_I have blue eyes. Sometimes people don’t like my eyes because I tend to stare and when I stare I guess they go all fuzzy. So I don’t stare. I don’t look at people in the eye because they sometimes get scared by my eyes._

_Mrs. Kali wasn’t very nice yesterday. She gave us lots more homework than we usually get. We got so much that I had to stay up past my bedtime to finish it! It was hard too. I even had to ask dad for help with math because I didn’t know what some of the questions were. I wonder if I did something to make her give us more homework?_

_Chyna is being a very good dog. She isn’t as scared as she used to be. She likes Anna the best, but I think that’s because Anna cuddles with Chyna every chance she gets. Chyna is even allowed to sleep in Anna’s room. One time I got up late in the night because I was thirsty and Chyna was on Anna’s bed! How silly is that?! But that’s ok. When mom and dad found out they didn’t do anything. They said that it was OK for Chyna to sleep on Anna’s bed because Chyna doesn’t growl during the night anymore. I think Chyna was just afraid of the dark when she first got here. But she is much braver now._

_Luc got in a really big fight today, but unlike me, he won. He said that he broke the other person’s arm. Luc didn’t tell mom or dad why they were fighting but I heard him with Michael. Michael was upset that Luc was fighting and Luc said that he fought because the other person made fun of his friends. That sounds a little like you, Dean. But I think Luc is a bully. I don’t like having a bully in the family._

_Did I ever tell you about Thanksgiving? We had lots of family come over. My Uncles and Aunts and cousins, even people that I didn’t know, but I guess I am related to, came. There were so many! They filled the entire house like a can of worms that you would use to go fishing. Oh, they were packed together like sardines. I learned what a simile is! It’s when you compare something with ‘like’ or ‘as’. Dad is smart like a scientist. Luc is as mean as a bear. Anna is as sweet as honey._

_Mom just said that I have to go to bed now. I will talk to you soon!_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                          Dec. 26_

__

_Wow, can you believe that Christmas is already over? It seems like just yesterday I was telling you about what I wanted to get. I didn’t get the jacket. Dad said that he had some sort of mechanics club to go to so he left Sammy and I alone. Well, not alone. Uncle Bobby stayed for a few nights. He’s still here. I got a cassette tape. The wrapping said it was from dad but dad doesn’t buy gifts so I think Uncle Bobby got us a gift and put dad’s name on it. The cassette is a group called Lynyrd Skynyrd, and they are really good! They are rock and roll while being country. From ‘dad’, Sammy got some new socks. He was very excited about that because his were very small and had lots of holes in them. Uncle Bobby got us things and put his name on them. He got Sam a little book. I got a new pocket knife. I think I am going to see if I can trade my old one for new shoes… they aren’t warm anymore. I got Sam a picture to put on the wall. A poster? It has the letters of the alphabet on it._

_We had another snow. This time the roads had to close because the ice was so bad. People were sliding around everywhere and even Uncle Bobby who is a really good driver didn’t want to go on the streets. He said that it was like an ice skating rink. Wait… that was a simile. You taught me that word! Like an ice skating rink! Wow- I’ve never learned a new word that fast. You should be a teacher or something. You are making me smarter every time I read one of your letters._

_Dad said that he would be gone for 4 days, and it’s only been three, but sometimes I feel like he won’t come back. At least not for a while. One time when Sammy was really little, just learning how to talk, dad left us with Uncle Bobby. He was still upset because of mom, and he wanted alone time. I didn’t like Uncle Bobby then. I thought he was scary. He still kind of is, but he’s more of like a dirty looking teddy bear. I remember that Sam said his first word when dad was gone. He called Uncle Bobby ‘dad’. And we tried to tell him that Uncle Bobby wasn’t dad, but Sammy didn’t know better. Dad was gone for a whole week, and the whole time Sam called Uncle Bobby ‘dad’. I don’t miss dad. I know Sam sometimes does, but I don’t. I am used to him leaving for a while and letting us be us._

_Today, Sam asked Uncle Bobby where mom was. Uncle Bobby and I couldn’t tell him about her. Not yet. When we tell him I will tell you._

_Promise._

_Uncle Bobby says that I have to get my butt to the dinner table because he made us food. Dad doesn’t make food, he buys it. But whatever Uncle Bobby made smells really good!_

_I’ll talk to you later Castiel!_

__

_Dean_

_(P.S. Uncle Bobby made what you had the other night, noodles with red sauce. Uncle Bobby knows about me writing to you now because I am going to have him help me spell it. Spaghetti. Uncle Bobby says it’s nice that I have a friend. I have friends. Jo and Charlie and Ash are my friends… I guess you are my favorite friend though.)_


	5. Birthday Wishes, Brave One

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                     January 1_

__

_It’s a new year, and that means a new me! Well, kind of. I heard Luc telling Michael about his ‘New Year Resolutions’ and i asked him what those were. He said that they are promises that you make to yourself about the new year. Like what you are going to do, what kind of person you want to be. I want to be smarter. I want to read even more books. I promise myself that I am going to read more books._

_You said that I am your favorite friend… I’ve never been someones favorite friend. I know that I am the favorite of some bullies, but I’ve never had a favorite friend. You are my favorite friend too. I hope that we stay friends forever. Maybe one day we can meet. How cool would that be? We would get to actually talk to each other and stuff._

_I feel kind of bad that you didn’t get what you asked for. I know that sometimes things don’t always work out like you plan, but it sounded like you really wanted that jacket. So I got you something. That’s why this is a package and not only a letter. I hope you haven’t opened it yet because I want to tell you why I sent you a gift. I am not doing this for pity (thanks Luc for the word), I am doing this to give you a gift. Like a favorite friend would. So, don’t open it until the end of this letter. Please._

_I got the bike that I asked for. It’s kind of yellow colored. My old one was more blue. It’s not as big as Michael’s bike but it is bigger than Anna’s bike. Hers is very small. It’s pink and has little silver ribbons coming from the handles. It also has a little horn. She got it for Christmas too. She likes to play with the little horn, and honks it even if she isn’t riding her bike. Hers have these little wheels on the side called training wheels. They help you learn how to ride. Dad said that I had them on my first bike when I was Anna’s size. I don’t really remember those. But oh well._

_And I am very glad that you trust me enough to want to tell me about you mom and what happened to her. I promise that I won’t tell anyone, not even Chyna! I will keep it all to myself._

_I’ll talk to you later._

__

_Castiel_

__

The package was wrapped in brown paper, and tied off with a green ribbon. Taking it to his room, Dean locked the door before he opened the package. Oh so gently Dean pulled on the loose end of the green ribbon, and it came off. He folded the ribbon and laid it on the bed next to him. He would have put it on his dresser but because he had a drawer break a few weeks ago he had to put his jeans on the top of it. So he used his pocket knife to slice open the tape on the package, careful not to rip the brown paper. When all the tape had been cut he unwrapped the gift. The box that was wrapped was a shoe box. When Dean took off the lid, he lost his breath and he almost forgot to take another. He pulled out a hiking boot. A pair of boots. They were hard leather and Dean knew by how heavy they were that they were steel toed. If he wasn’t a boy he would have cried.

They were his size.

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                      Jan, 24_

__

_Today is my birthday! Dad took me, Sam, and Uncle Bobby to eat. Dad said that I can choose where we go, as long as it doesn’t cost a lot of money. But there is this place by Jo’s mom’s bar where they serve really good burgers and milkshakes. It’s a little diner and has red vinyl seats. Vinyl is a kind of plastic. But they play old songs, the kind that my dad and Uncle Bobby listened to when they were our age. I’ve only gone there one time before, but I liked it so that is where we are going to dinner._

_Dinner was very good! I got a BBQ bacon cheese burger and I ate the whole thing! Dad said that if I keep eating like that I am going to get fat. So I let him have my fries. Sam got mac and cheese, and he ate a lot of it. But then he was very tired so he started to fall asleep. Uncle Bobby got me two more cassettes. One of them is by a band called Motorhead and the other is by Bon Jovi. I hope they are good. Dad said that he liked those bands so they must be good. Dad said that in the trunk of the car that he had my gift. It is a ‘sawed off shotgun’ and he is going to teach me how to shoot it._

_Since it is Saturday he said that we can practice shooting tomorrow. Maybe even tonight if it isn’t too cold._

_I have to go now, Uncle Bobby has to go back to his house. His house is connected to where he and dad work. So Uncle Bobby owns the mechanics shop, and that means that Uncle Bobby is dad’s boss._

_Bye!_

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                     January 28_

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mine isn’t for another few months, but that’s ok! I hope you shoot really well, that sounds like fun. I asked dad if I could have a shotgun and he said that I wasn’t big enough for one. I guess that makes sense. You are older so that must mean that you are taller than me too. And you must be stronger if you can lift the shotgun and walk around in those boots that you said that you are so excited about._

_Mom did something strange today. She went to work like normal but she came home almost two hours late. She told dad that she just had to work late but she didn’t smell like flowers. She smelled different. I don’t know what it was but it wasn’t her perfume, and she didn’t smell like dad. She smelled kind of like, like pumpkin pie? I don’t know. But dad and mom got into a little bit of a fight because she was late. I don’t think dad knew that she smelled different. But then again I hugged her and he didn’t. I don’t think he would have smelled the different smell if he didn’t hug her._

_Anna has gotten really good on the piano. I told her that it was your birthday and she played ‘Happy Birthday’ on the piano, just for you. She is doing very well on learning the keys and stuff. Sometimes it doesn’t sound so good, but that’s just because she is little. But she will get better._

_Gabe told me that someday we will want to know what each other looks like… I don’t think we will have to. I think that someday we will find a place where we can meet and we can become real friends, in person._

_Mom is angry tonight because of dad. So I am going to bed. Goodnight Dean, happy birthday again._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                              Feb. 1_

__

_I thought we already were real friends? Real friends don’t have to know what the other looks like, we have just to know that if we meet we won’t judge each other on how we look. But that’s alright._

_And thank you for the birthday wishes. The kids at school sang happy birthday to me, and Jo’s mom made cookies for everyone because she knows that dad doesn’t cook or bake or anything. And tell Anna thank you for playing the piano for me. That is very kind of her._

_We had another snow yesterday and I wore the boots you got me. They kept my feet so warm, they were sweaty! I can’t thank you enough for them._

_Uncle Bobby also says that it’s cool that I have someone to talk to that I don’t really know… I guess he’s right. We don’t know each other. So here are some questions that I am going to ask you that I want you to answer, and then you can ask me some._

  1. _Favorite animal?_

  2. _Do you have your own room?_

  3. _What food could you eat forever?_

  4. _What kind of music do you like?_




__

_I hope everything gets better with your mom and dad._

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                               February 27_

__

_Dad didn’t come home again. I don’t know where he is at. Michael says that he is staying at a friends house, but I don’t know. Luc said that mom was caught holding hands with someone else… but Luc lies a lot so he must be lying. Gabe said that mom isn’t happy with us anymore. I think that I am going to get her some flowers. Maybe then she will be happy with us._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                        March 6_

__

_Sammy asked about mom again, but I couldn’t tell him anything. Dad still gets really mad when we talk about her. I asked uncle Bobby when Sam would be old enough to tell mom about and he said not for a while. Maybe in a few years. I might tell you before Sam, but I’m not sure yet._

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                           April 18_

_**  
** Michael saw mom with another man. She was holding his hand and he had his arm around her. I was hoping that they were just friends. But Luc doesn’t think so. Dad found out about it and is on the couch with a brown bottle in his hand. Gabe said that the brown bottle makes dad’s head feel fuzzy inside. You know how if you don’t move your leg for a while it gets all tingly? That’s what the inside of dad’s head is supposed to feel like._

_Sometimes I wish my head would feel like that. Maybe then I would forget what Michael, Luc, and Gabe said._

_I hope that Anna doesn’t see mom with the other guy._

_Dad got off the couch, I have to go._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                        April 30_

__

_Dad and I went shooting again. I hit every target that he set up. I didn’t miss a single beer bottle or can. Dad said that we might be able to go deer or elk hunting some time. That would be fun, to bring home a full grown deer. We could have deer burgers and deer bacon and deer steaks… it makes my mouth water just thinking about it.  Have you ever had deer burgers? Sometimes Uncle Bobby will go out hunting with dad and bring home a deer. On those days Sam and I go to Jo’s house._

_Jo thinks that it’s really cool that we are still talking. She doesn’t talk to her pen pal anymore, and I don’t think any of my friends do. Do you know anyone that still talks to theirs? I only talk to a few people in my class so I don’t know who does and who doesn’t._

_Dad got home from work, so I have to go. Bye._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                               May 3_

__

_The phrase ‘April showers bring May flowers’ is very much true. Do you remember how i said it was raining so much here? Well they made flowers. Lots of flowers. Mom’s garden looks like a rainbow! I like rainbows. I know that’s a boy thing to say but I don’t care, I like them. They always make me so happy. You see all of these things that are just one color, but when you get all of them together they are so pretty. Rainbows in the sky are some of my favorite. I still don’t know how they happen but maybe one day I will learn how they get there. They look iridescent. That means kind of shiney and kind of see-through. That’s a really pretty word._

_Another pretty word is love. Dad used to tell mom all the time that he loved her but he doesn’t say it anymore. I hope they still love each other. If they don’t love each other, does that mean that they don’t love me either? I don’t think they do._

_We don’t pray at meals anymore. At every meal we would always fold our hands and say ‘Come Lord Jesus, be our guest. Let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen.’ And then we were always allowed to eat once everyone said something good that happened to them that day. But yesterday when we went to breakfast dad just started to eat. He didn’t pray or anything._

_I don’t know what is happening to my family, Dean. I think I am getting scared. But I’m not supposed to be scared. I am supposed to be brave, like you! But I don’t like that dad doesn’t pray anymore and I don’t like that mom is holding hands with other men and I don’t like that mom and dad fight over things. They fight about who is going to get in the shower, They fight about what is going to be for dinner. They fight about money and they fight about lights and they fight about how hot or cold it is. I don’t like when they fight. But they do it so often anymore that it’s becoming normal._

_I still have good grades though. Mrs. Kali thinks that I am brave to still be getting good grades. I’m not brave. I’m scared._

_Will you teach me how to be brave?_

__

_Castiel_


	6. Let's Be Scared Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I am so sorry for what you are about to read. There is so much wrong with this chapter. So here is your warning. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH DON'T READ THE FIRST LETTER FROM DEAN TO CASTIEL.

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                 May 19_

__

_Dad took me out hunting today, for real. We went out really early in the morning and we got dressed in camouflage stuff. We each had a hunting rifle and lots of shells (those are bullets). We had to go out in the woods and we made a little tree house and climbed up the tree and sat in it. We had to sit for a long time and we couldn’t move or make sound because then the animals would get scared away. Dad said that we sat there for an hour and a half before a deer herd came. There was one big buck and four does and two fawns. Dad said that we can’t kill a mom, baby, or the dad. So I got to shoot the old doe. I hit her right between the eyes. Dad said that it was a perfect shot and that I would have gotten money if we were going to sell it. But we didn’t sell it. We brought it home in dad’s truck and we are going to eat it tomorrow night._

_It was weird, hunting. Because you see it in the movies and it is so quick, so easy. But the gun was heavy and it gaVe my shoulder a bruise to match the size of Kansas. It also gave me a headache, but dad said that was normal. There is also a lot of blood. You don’t see the blood in the movies, but there is a lot of it. What you have to do is hang the animal up by it’s back legs and then cut a vein on it’s neck, the really big one, and you have to let it bleed out. That mean’s that you have to put a big bucket under the animal while it is bleeding to catch all the blood. That’s what we are doing right now._

_Then dad says that once it’s drained of blood that I can start skinning it. Dad says that it’s really easy. He even got me a new hunting knife! What you have to do, and I have done it on rabbits that dad has killed so I can practice, is cut a line from the chin to the back legs, along the belly. Then you have to take the guts out, and those are slippery. Then you have to use the knife and cut between the meat and the skin. Sometimes it gets stinky but that’s what you have to do. Then you cut the legs from the body, and then the neck and head. From there you have to get the muscles from the meat. Dad always does that because it gets hard._

_Do you remember me telling you about the Impala car that was all smashed up and dad said that he would fix it? Well he finally did. The engine is all fixed and the outside looks really cool! Dad is going to ask the people who brought it in if they still want it, because if they don’t then he wants to buy it._

_Uncle Bobby says that next time dad is gone for a few days that he will take me driving. He says that he knows where I can learn to drive and not get caught because they are back roads and stuff._

_Oh, Yumm!! I smell dinner. Bye!_

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean, _May_ 23_

__

_Please never go into that much detail about another one of your hunts again. That was gross._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,    May 26_

__

_What?! It wasn’t that bad! Ok, so maybe it was, sorry. I won’t do it again. Dad said that he has to leave tomorrow for another “business thing”, and that means that Uncle Bobby is going to teach me how to drive. I hope that we can use the Impala. She sounds amazing and is so pretty! All black and shiny, and her chrome fixtures are perfection._

_You didn’t really say anything in that last letter, but part of that was my fault. So how are you? Is your family doing any better?_

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,      June 1_

__

_Mom and dad- last night they said that they had something to tell us. We all went and sat down in the living room, and mom and dad were not sitting next to each other. Luc and Michael sat on either side of Anna and I, and Gabe sat on the floor in front of us. I remember reading something about how when oxen are scared or threatened that they will put the babies in the middle of the herd to protect them… I think that’s what Michael and Luc and Gabe were doing. I just don’t think that they knew that they were doing it. That’s called instinct. That’s where you can tell if something is good or bad, if it’s scary or nice, if you should be afraid or not._

_I remember the whole conversation._

“Kids, will you please come into the living room?” Castiel’s dad called out through the house, the tone of his voice a warning as it is. Michael and Luc had been arguing whose turn it was to play on the computer, since both had finished their homework. Gabe was with Anna, and Castiel was reading about the star formation of Aquarius. It had quickly become his favorite after learning that Dean was one.

“Come in here, now.”

“Come one, they already know that they have to come in here. Why do you always have to repeat everything that I say?”

“Because you said it wrong. You don’t ask kids, you tell them. They don’t know any better so you have to be blunt.”

“Blunt does not always equal mean.”

“I wasn’t mean- hey Michael, hey Luc” Castiel clutched the printed documents to his chest as he listened to them argue. He thought that he had gotten used to it by now, but maybe not. Not if when they fought about how to talk to the children made him shrink away and try not to be seen. At that moment Gabe stuck his head in through the doorway.

“Come on Cassie, mom and dad said that we have to.” He held out his free hand, and even though Castiel was FAR too old to hold hands, took Gabe’s in his. Anna was holding onto Gabe’s other hand. The three of them found their way into the living room. Luc grabbed Anna from Gabe’s hand and put her next to him on the couch. Castiel let go of Gabe and shimmied his way next to Michael. He was sitting between Michael and Anna, and Gabe sat down criss-cross-apple-sauce in front of the two youngest of the Novak family.

“Kids, your mother and I have something important to tell you.” Chyna made her slow way into the living room and sat down next to Luc. She liked Luc, maybe because both were mean when it came to their food. Gabe looked between their parents in confusion. Castiel didn’t see the way that Michael and Luc looked over his and Anna’s head to share a solemn look. They knew what was about to happen. But they didn’t move because they had younger siblings that they needed to take care of.

“You see- you father and I don’t love each other anymore. We used to, but we don’t. And sometimes that happens, and there isn’t anything that we can do about it.”

“We have just grown apart.” That much was obvious. They sat as far apart from each other as they could on the loveseat that they shared.

Chuck, their dad, was dressed in his usual black slacks and white shirt. Naomi, their mom, was dressed closer to the nines than to the threes. She wore a mid-calf length dark red dress… it looked like blood. She wore matching red lipstick that made her smile look deadly. But today her smiles were few and far between.

“Now, I don’t want any of you to be worried about what is going to happen, this is going to be between just your mom and I. This won’t affect you that much. But what is going to happen is that we are going to go through a divorce. That means that we will no longer be legally married. Mom will move out in a few days to make the transition easier for you guys. And girl.”

“Chuck you don’t have to emphasize that we have a daughter.”

“Do you have to interrupt me all the time?”

“I am not interrupting!”

“What did you just do right then?!”

“I spoke to my children!”

“If this goes smoothly they won’t BE your children anymore!” At this point Michael and Luc shared another look and stood. Chuck and Naomi didn’t even notice as Michael took Castiel’s hand and Luc picked up Anna, setting her on his hip. He took Gabe by the other hand, and the two oldest, the bet and the worst of the children, led their younger siblings to their shared room. They could still hear the echos of their parents as they closed the door. Michael sat down on one of the two twin beds in the room, and Luc set Anna on the other. Gabe and Castiel crawled up next to her. Luc spoke first. Oddly enough, it wasn’t in a harsh tone.

“Do you guys understand what is going on here? Gabe, I bet that you understand, but Castiel? Do you know?”

“I know that mom and dad don’t love each other. But what is a divorce? That’s a word that I don’t know.” Anna was still a little young to understand even what the conversation was but she nodded her head in agreement with Castiel.

“So, mom and dad don’t love each other.” Michael took over the conversation, since he was less inclined to bash on the kids’ inexperience with the outside world. “Luc and I know what is really going on. Mom was- she got- she uh-”

“Mom found another guy that she really likes. She likes the other guy more than she likes dad. And because of that-”

“Because of that, she is going to un-marry dad. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love us just as much as before.”

“But dad said that we wouldn’t be her kids if he got his way.” Gabe had asked the question, and even though he was older than Castiel, he still got confused about a few things. Michael and Luc shared another quick look and then Luc nodded. He turned to the younger kids.

“When parents go through a divorce, which is an un-mariage, they have to find out what to do with kids. That means that they will fight over custody. That means that they will fight about who we will live with… mom or dad. And what dad means is that he is going to fight for full custody… that means that we won’t get to see mom again. And complain as much as you want,” he held up a hand at the looks of protest on Gabe’s and Castiel’s faces, “it’s not up to us who we go to. That’s going to be the lawyers who decide our fate. And some of us may go to mom, and some of us may go to dad. I don’t know, Michael doesn’t know, even mom and dad won’t know who we go to until it is decided.”

“And that’s not all of it. Sometimes neither parent will get the kids and that means foster care. But that only happens if the parents aren’t good to us. But mom and dad feed us, they get us clothes, they make sure that we are happy. They just aren’t happy with each other.” They fell into a gentle silence, letting the words of their parents creep through the crack under the door. The day went on, the sun set, and they still were in Michael and Luc’s room. Gabe and Castiel had fallen asleep on Michael’s bed and Anna fell asleep between the two oldest boys on Luc’s bed. The two older brothers were quietly conversing. Castiel was still just barely awake and could hear what they were talking about. He strained his ears to hear their whispers, for the feared to wake the sleeping bunch.

“I’m glad that you were nice about this, Luc. Thank you.”

“I’m just as scared as they are. Mom and dad are getting a divorce, Michael. What is that going to do to us?”

“I don’t know. I really wish I did. But the actual process won’t happen for a while. We will still have both parents-”

“Mom said that she was moving out.”

“Yeah. She did.” A heavy silence hung between them for a time. Castiel’s eyes fluttered shut, but just before he fell asleep he heard the tail end of their words.

“Do you know who it is?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we going to ever meet him.”

“For his sake, Michael, I hope we don’t.”

_But I don’t want to talk about it. Mom and dad are getting a divorce. Oh, Michael just came in and said that dinner was ready. He ordered pizza. Bye._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,        June 5_

__

_I’ll tell you about mom. I feel like you shouldn’t be alone right now, but since i can’t be there we can be sad together from a long way away._

_It happened when I was five, and Sam was just about six months old. I remember everything too._

_We were living in a little house just a little ways away from where we live now. Mom and dad were- happy. Sometimes they fought but mom always said that no relationship is worth having if you don’t care enough to fight. Mom was really pretty. She was tall, and had these green eyes that were always soft looking. And she had blonde hair. I remember that it always smelled like honey. She liked to bake things. Cookies, cakes… she introduced me to pie. She made this perfect pie that she would drizzle honey over. I think that’s why I like the smell of honey so much._

_But she was always so sweet too. If I got a scrape or something she would kiss it and make it better. And every night she would tell me that angels are watching over me. She would always say that, every night. But I’ve always wondered if angels are real._

_Because one night after I had gone to bed, mom couldn’t sleep. So she went downstairs to make some more cookies. She always did that if she wanted to fall asleep. She would make cookies, eat one, and go to bed. That was just how she did things. But that night, dad was in the living room. He had fallen asleep watching old football reruns. We had this big leather chair that he would always sit in. It faced away from the kitchen. Mom was making cookies. She had mixed them all up and had set the timer for the oven. Dad said that she fell asleep when she sat back down to wait for the cookies. The timer didn’t go off. It had gotten broken but we don’t know how. And- and then the oven caught on fire. But mom didn’t wake up. The flames got so bad so fast that they melted the fire alarm that was over the oven. It didn’t go off either._

_Dad woke up because of the smoke. And when he got up to see what was happening, he didn’t see mom in the kitchen. There was too much smoke. He thought that she was upstairs. So he came up and I had woken up but the smoke didn’t get me as badly because i was still so little. Dad ran into Sam’s room to get him, and when he didn’t see mom, he got really worried. i had followed him to Sam and he gave me my little brother and told me to get out of the house as fast as I can. To get him away from the fire. I carried Sam out into the street. It was dark but the house looked like a painting. It was so pretty that for a moment I forgot that dad was inside of there._

_Then a little bit later dad came out of the house. Mom was over his shoulders like the way that firemen carry people. As soon as they were out the house exploded. It was so big that I fell down, but I held onto Sam. Dad was doing something to mom, and I know now that it was CPR. But she wouldn’t wake up._

_When the firemen and ambulance came, the people said that she was already dead. I think the reason that kids pretend to be ghosts by putting white sheets on their heads is because that’s what they did to mom when they told dad that she was dead. They put a white sheet over her so that people couldn’t see. I remember that dad started crying. But I couldn’t. I had to keep Sam from crying. I had to be strong for the both of them._

_I heard what the firemen said. They said that oven had gotten too hot because of something with the wires. The smoke detector was already broken, there was a missing piece inside of it. Mom was too close to the flames and she had died fast. But it wasn’t painless. Even though I never heard her or anything, sometimes I still feel like I hear screaming. The firemen said that everything had been perfectly wrong._

_I’m scared too Castiel. I have to tell Sammy about what happened to mom at some point in his life. And I know that dad won’t ever do it. He just keeps pretending that Sam doesn’t have a mom at all._

_Let’s be scared together. I’ll be here for you if you will be there for me._

__

_Dean_


	7. Happy Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, sorry guys for the lateness of this. I don't have a set posting schedule anyways, but I have been SO busy. I move into my college dorm tomorrow and then after that posting is going to be even more sporadic than it already is... for ALL of my works. This chapter jumps a ton of time and the next few are going to be like this. In fact, I may just skip over the rest of elementary school by next chapter... it's a little boring, I know. Alright, thanks for bearing with me through the weird posting shit.

_Dean,                                                                                                                                        July 10_

__

_Today is my birthday! I am spending it with dad today, because mom is gone. But, I’m sure you remember why from the last letter…_

_Anyways, dad said that I can choose where we go to eat tonight and I said that I wanted to eat at some place that serves burgers. I thought that we could have the same birthday meal because you helped me so much this last month. So I am doing this to show how much you mean to me._

_So, even though dad said that we are running low on money, I got a couple of gifts. Anna said that her gift from her to me was a big hug. I liked her gift the best because she held on for a long time. Gabe got me this really cool book about the stars. I’ve already read about half of it. There are things called Nebuli (that is the plural, or more-than-one of a nebula), and black holes, and even something called Dark Matter. I wonder what is in the rest of the book… Luc and Michael got me something together. They got me a telescope that I can point out of mine and Gabe’s window so that I can see that stars better. I think I will even let Michael, Luc, and Gabe use it sometimes. But not Anna. She is too little for that. Dad got me a really pretty piece of glass that has a star formation carved into it. He didn’t tell me what it was though, I don’t know it yet. But he says that as soon as I learn what it means that I can thank him for it._

_Ever since mom moved out Dad has been a lot nicer about me always wanting to look at the stars. I think he is just sad about mom and wants us to be happy even though he can’t be._

_I passed all of my classes this year. We got our final report cards in the mail last week, and I was finally brave enough to open it. I got all A’s except for one B in gym, But that’s OK because gym is really hard. I have to take it every year in elementary school._

_It started to rain here. It’s not cold rain. It’s warm. I know because I have the window open and I can feel the air. The air is still nice and hot here and the rain smells nice. I think that rain smells so good._

_Oh no, the rain is starting to get on the paper and the window is stuck. I am going to stop writing here so that it doesn’t get ruined. Have a good rest of your summer!_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                 July 14_

__

_Happy birthday! I can’t think of what else to tell you, other than that! (Oh, and I opened my report card too. I passed all of my classes! I only got one D but the rest were C’s. Wait, I did get a B in gym.) So because I don’t have much to say, I got you a birthday gift because you got me a gift for Christmas. I hope you like it!_

__

The package that Dean had attached to the letter wasn’t very big, and it was very lightweight. But something inside of Castiel told him that he would love this gift even more than the hug that Anna had given him. He opened the newspaper wrapping, opened the little brown box, and stared. Inside was a stuffed bird. It was blue and white, and Castiel remembered it being called a Blue Jay.

It had very real looking eyes. Overall it was very real looking. So real that Castiel thought for a moment that Dean had put a dead bird in this box. But he didn’t. It had dark blue wings that had individually sewn on feather, so that when you opened the wings up they fanned out. He was opening the wings over and over when Gabe came into their room.

“What’s that, Cassie?” He bent to take a look at the little bird. Castiel hid the happy smile that he wore from his brother.

“Dean got me a birthday gift. It’s a Blue Jay.” Gabe pointed at something around it’s neck.

“What’s that?”

“I’m not sure. I didn’t see that before.” There was a thin black string around the bird’s neck, and a small little token on that string. It was a pattern of dots- “it’s a constellation!” he grew very excited about the little pattern of dots. They were obviously hand carved into the little piece of wood, but Castiel didn’t mind. He ignored the goofy smile on Gabe’s face as he went to the constellation poster that was hung up on his wall. He moved his finger around on the dots, connecting stars to each other. Finally he found the one that he was looking for.

“Which one is it?” Gabe had sat down on his bed, the one that was covered in candy wrappers and was unmade.

“It’s called Apus. That is the Bird of Paradise. Dean looked up the constellations to find one about a bird, and he sent me a bird with a carved piece of wood. Apus.” He whispered that last name to himself, making sure that he remembered the way it felt on his breath.

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                             July 17_

__

_Thank you so much for the gift! It is amazing! I love the little token around it’s neck as well. That- just thank you. I can’t believe that you went through all the trouble that you did to not only find the bird, but to look up the constellations, carve the one about the Bird of Paradise into a wooden token, and put it around the bird's neck._

_But it makes me wonder how long it actually took you because you sending the letter didn’t take any more time than normal._

_But I honestly won’t complain about it. I love it. I really, REALLY do. I put him on the desk right next to my telescope. I found Apus last night too. It’s not a very bright star formation but of well. The blue Jay is bright enough._

_I still can’t find what the one that dad got me is. I’ve been looking through the book that Gabe got me but I can’t seem to find it. It’s super complicated, and I think that dad had more stars carved into it than are in the constellation itself._

_Dean- mom and dad haven’t spoken to each other since that night that they told us that they were going to get a divorce. I haven’t even talked to mom. She sent me a gift in the mail but I haven’t opened it yet. It’s sitting under my bed, and the card is still on it. I haven’t opened the card either. I don’t want to. I feel like if I open them I am betraying dad, and I don’t like feeling like that. Do you ever feel that way? Like you would just be disappointing you family if you did something? It’s like the opposite of butterflies in your tummy… maybe moths?_

_I’m not sure what to do anymore, but that’s alright. We went to church yesterday and I talked to the preacher. I asked him what I should do about my family, and how not to feel so lost in my life, and he said that I should find someone that I care about and talk to them about what is troubling me. He said that it didn’t matter if it was a friend, a family member, or a teacher, or even him. Just so long as somebody know what I am going through. He also said that God shall guide me in the correct direction, that He shall give me the strength to continue._

_I agree with you that I don’t know if angels exist either… even though I am named after one. Does that mean that I don’t believe in my own existence?_

_Well, my brain just took a turn for weird places. I have to go now and think about if I actually exist or not._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                  Aug. 23_

__

_Fourth grade!! I ended up growing a few inches over the summer. I’ve almost grown out of the shoes that you bought me. So when I do, I will give them to Sam. I hope that’s ok, but he’s growing a lot too and it’s getting hard to afford clothing for him. Dad just uses any money that he earns to buy liquor. The fridge is mostly beer and whiskey. Uncle Bobby’s fridge has real food in it, but dad doesn’t let us go to his house as much as we used to. I don’t know why, I thought that he and dad were the best of friends._

_But dad has also been gone a lot more. He says it’s “business” but he doesn’t do anything business-like. So I don’t know where he goes. But when he leaves he just let’s Sam and I alone. That mean’s that I have to make breakfast for Sam and I, but I don’t mind. Most times though I just take Sam to Uncle Bobby’s and he takes care of us. He even drives us to school._

_Oh, dad finally convinced the people with the Impala to sell it to him. So maybe dad is out working at other jobs to afford the car? But then why would Sam and I not have enough food and clothing? It makes me really wonder what he is doing._

_Sam’s soccer team won the tournament that I was telling you about. They went all the way to Wichita to compete. He didn’t score the winning goal, but he doesn’t care. He is just so happy that they won! Every kid on the team got a little trophy and the coach gets to keep the big one. The big trophy is about as big as Sam is, how weird is that?! Anyways, Sam said that he wants to be a soccer player when he gets older. I don’t think that he should though. He’s too smart to be a soccer player. I’m not saying that there aren’t smart soccer players, I just think that Sam will be smarter than all of them one day. He’s going to become a doctor or a judge or maybe a paleontologist! (That means someone who digs up dinosaur bones and studies them)._

_So my new teacher is OK. He’s a little tough but he’s not bad. I can’t remember his name though. I don’t know why, it just didn’t get stuck up there like other names do. I guess that isn’t so bad though. I think I am just going to call him Mr. Sir for the rest of the year. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me. He already gave us homework. But I don’t mind it as much as I thought I would. Mostly because i have been practicing with you for the past almost year. We have to write a three page essay on who we are and why we are who we are. Yeah, it’s a little confusing but I don’t care. Because for once Castiel, I understand what he is talking about. I didn’t have to ask him to repeat it or to reword it because I understood it on the first try. I think that you have been helping me with that because you are so freaking smart._

_He said that we have a full week to do it, so I hope that you reply in time… can I include you because you have helped me so much? After all, you are the reason that I even passed English last year. Maybe you will help me pass it again this year? Oh well, I think that I won’t mention your name, just that my pen-pal has helped me grow in the way that I learn._

_I might just send you the final copy of it, and tell you the grade that I got. Maybe if I use one or two of your big words then I can get extra credit! How cool would that be? Math is going to be so hard. I don’t remember what we did last year. How am I supposed to learn new stuff if I don’t remember the old stuff?_

_Anyways, I have to go. Uncle Bobby is ordering Chinese takeout tonight._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                               September 12_

__

_Happy anniversary! Can I say that? I hope so. You know why? Because on September 12 of LAST year is the first time that I sent you a letter from Mrs. Kali’s third grade class! Man, I remember being so nervous that first time I wrote to you, I think I wrote an entire novel! Wow, it’s been a full year._

_And here are some things to commemorate our first year:_

_-I solved the constellation problem that dad had given me with the class cube. It’s a little known constellation called Ophiuchus… Ophiuchus (Oh-fee-uh-cuss) is literally a doctor who brings the dead back to life. My dad gave me the constellation of Doctor Frankenstein. I guess that mean’s that the first person I bring back to life will be my monster… Dad isn’t going to let go of his dream of me becoming a doctor is he?_

_-Apus is doing well, he is still sitting next to my telescope._

_-My telescope has shown me so many new stars, that I even took a picture of the sky through the lens. I have the picture hung up on the wall._

_-My parents are going through a divorce_

_-You told me about your mom_

_-Sam won a soccer tournament_

_-Gabe shot milk out of his nose (I still can’t drink chocolate milk)_

_-You learned that if you call Jo by her full name she will punch you_

_-You learned that if you tell her mom, Ellen, that she punched you, she will tell you that you deserved it and that you should have known better because it’s not the first time that Jo has punched someone by calling her her full name._

_-I learned that Luc has been skipping classes to hang out with his friends at the train tracks. I still don’t trust Alastair…_

_-You learned (the hard way) that geese have teeth_

_-We both learned that we like to watch the rain_

_-We both learned that we have friends with each other._

_And honestly? I couldn’t think of a better first year of writing than that. Because even in just this small amount of time we have shared and grown so much. I hope that one day we can meet for real. You know? Maybe when we are older and we can drive then we can find a spot right in the middle of where we are so that we can meet. I wonder what your voice sounds like._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                          Oct. 20_

__

_You are going to go through Halloween as ANOTHER astronaut? But- no. You did that last year. And even then you were a VAMPIRE astronaut! You can’t downgrade! You should be a space alien, or maybe you could go as a rubber band. You know, dress up in a  tan colored clothing and when someone touches you just slap them because ‘when you mess with a rubber band it bounces back’. It’s the perfect way to get out of trouble… as long as you don’t slap them too hard._

_So dad came home last night. He’s been gone for about two weeks now. My teacher was starting to get worried that I was walking to school every day when dad usually drives me, but we got it all figured out in the end._

_Uncle Bobby said that when dad goes off again that he will take Sam and I to the movies. I’ve never gone before, so this should be exciting! I heard that you have to stay quiet and you can’t talk or anything because then other people will get mad at you for disturbing them. That’s going to be the hardest for me because I do a running commentary during the movies that Jo and I watch at her place. But Jo joins in so I don’t see why people don’t like to talk during the movies…? Some people just don’t know how to have fun I guess,_

_Speaking of fun, Sam is going to go to finals again with his little league soccer team. I might reconsider what I said before about that not being his profession. He’s doing pretty well, for a tyke at least. He’s getting bigger too, He still isn’t big enough to fit into the shoes that you gave me, and that I ended up giving to him, but at least he will have shoes in the future, so I am happy about that._

_Thanksgiving is coming up… and I know that Thanksgiving is a big thing in your house, so here is what our family does. We usually get up really early to watch the parade and then Sam and I go to Jo’s house for a while and play boardgames, and then we come home to a dinner that dad went out and bought. I just thought that I should share since I know what Thanksgiving is like with only one parent._

_I’ll talk to to you soon, Castiel._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                    January 24_

__

_Whoa… today is your birthday… doesn’t that mean that you are like, old now? Haha, just kidding. But either way, happy birthday Dean! This marks about a year and a half for us. How crazy is that? Well, yeah it is. you were talking about how crazy it is in the last letter you sent, so I do know that it is crazy._

_A few days ago dad told us that the official divorce is about to start. So we have a lawyer and sometimes he is going to come over to the house. He has already come over once so that we (the kids) could all meet him. His name is Uriel, and he’s tall and kind of mean looking. But dad says that he is a really good lawyer and that he hopes that we will get to stay with him. I’m tired of caring who I go with though, as long as i can still talk to you about everything. Because you have been helping me too. He have been teaching me how to be brave and how to stand up for myself._

_Speaking of which, the bully from last year came up to me today, and he has gotten bigger. But so have I- kind of. Anyways I did what you told me to do if people ever start to bother me and to find someone to stand with. So I did. It was next to Inias but oh well. You were right. He didn’t try to get me at all during recess because I was next to someone else. I even gave him this cold, menacing glare, and he didn’t do anything!_

_I can’t talk long today, dad is going to make dinner soon._

_Happy birthday, Dean._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                                     April 1_

__

_So I totally just found out that Sam is actually a girl, and that’s why his hair is so long…_

_April Fools! He’s not a girl, but he does need a haircut. I can’t even see his eyes anymore. So I think that I am going to cut it after school today. I’ve done it before but not in a while. I should get a haircut too, mine’s starting to look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo._

_Dad left, and this time he took almost all of his clothes. I wonder when he will be back this time? Maybe he won’t be back before school ends… that would be kind of nice. Then we would get to stay with Uncle Bobby for a long time! He is so much fun._

_Uncle Bobby is letting me help him fix cars now. He gives me certain things to do on the cars, like change the oil. I have changed the oil in six cars now. He says that I am really good at it. While dad is gone, he needs help in the garage and he said that I can help him whenever I want. I’ve also helped change tires, I’ve helped repaint cars that have been in wrecks, and I have switched out windshield wiper blades. Those aren’t very hard, you just have to be strong. You actually have to be strong for a lot of the stuff the mechanics do. I never realized how strong you have to be, but everything is super heavy. If I lift enough tires and stuff maybe then I will be as strong as dad and Uncle Bobby are!_

_Good luck with having to go to court in a few days, I hope that it goes well for your and your dad and your siblings. I know you said that you haven’t heard anything from your mom for a couple of weeks, but has she made contact in this time period since we last talked? If not, that’s ok. Living without a mom actually isn’t that bad. It’s a little weird to get used to at first but it ends up being alright._

_How is your science project going? No, not project, it’s the science fair. Hows the science fair going for you? I bet that you are rocking it on how stars are made and stuff. I bet that most teachers don’t know how those things are made, and you do! I can feel a blue ribbon coming your way! That would be so cool. My best friend is a mad genius when it comes to stars._

_So have fun, good luck, and your shoes are untied._

__**  
**Dean  



	8. Holding Hands and Angel Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's not so chatty in this one, but when he does talk, it has MASSIVE importance for the rest of this book. And I am sorry that this chapter took so long, I moved into college and have been to three parties (even though I am so socially awkward that I wanted to puke) and I started classes as of today. So, hang in there for the ride that is this and how long it takes...

_Dean,                                                                                                                                            May 19_

__

_So with school FINALLY getting out for us, I have some stuff to tell you that I have been holding out on for the past little while. One of them is the fact that I finally opened up the present that mom gave me for my birthday… I didn’t want to but Gabe found it and he said that I had to at least know what it was. That way the next time that I see her I can thank her. But I don’t want to thank her for anything… she ruined our lives. Anyways, the letter said that she was sorry for all that she had done before my birthday, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love me. (bull crap) It went on to say that she would like to make sure that I am happy while she is out of the picture. In the card she put one hundred dollars… I told Michael about about the money and he said that he would hold onto it for me so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I don’t know where he put it but i’ve asked to see it a few times to make sure that Luc hasn’t found it and spent it, so I know that it is still safe. The actual gift is another story…_

_She got me a plush angel with blue eyes. And by plush I mean the outside of it was soft, the rest of it was made of like, lead or something, because it was kind of heavy. The wings have joints in them so that they can be bent in certain ways, but I don’t like it. I asked Gabe what I should do with it, and he said to put it in the closet until mom wants to see it. That way we can just pull it out and show it to her._

_I don’t like it, it’s creepy. It just stares at you and it- I swear that it just moved Dean. Like, I’m not even joking right now._

_Ok, I relocated to another room to finish writing this because I KNOW that that stupid thing was moving. Screw putting it in my closet, it’s going under Luc’s bed!_

_With the court having finally ruled that dad is our sole guardian, mom only gets to have partial custody. And by that, she only gets to have us over for three hours every three weeks. So we think that she is just going to do dinner or something. The time frame to be with her can be longer if we a) have a social worker with us or b) if dad is with us, but I don’t see either of those happening anytime soon. Dad is still super mad about the whole ‘mom-leaving’ thing to even want to go near her. Court was awful because Anna didn’t know if she was supposed to sit with mom or dad so she kept walking across the floor to get to one or the other. She didn’t mean to ask them why they weren’t sitting next to each other._

_Oh crap, Luc found the demented Angel under his bed. Bye!!_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                   Nov. 30_

__

_Christmas is coming up. It’s been almost an entire month without dad. I don’t have much to say in this letter because Uncle Bobby is even starting to get worried that he isn’t home yet. I’m starting to wonder if he will ever be back. I don’t know where he goes and I never know if he is coming back and I know that I shouldn’t be but I am getting scared Castiel._

_I already lost mom… I don’t want to lose dad too. What if he doesn’t come back and I can’t have Sammy? What then? Would Uncle Bobby take us in? I don’t know anymore. Write back soon, I always feel better when I get one of your letters in the mail._

_Take care._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                         August 20_

__

_Mom tried to call again. Michael actually picked up this time and they were on the phone together for a long time. I listened in on his side of the conversation. They were talking about school, how Anna is (like she actually cares, though), and if we are being well taken care of. apparently, her version of “honoring the custody agreement” is a phone call every few weeks. She is getting lazier and lazier as time goes on. But oh well._

_So… dad said that he has this “special friend” that he wants us to meet. That totally means that he has a girlfriend. I wonder if she is pretty. Whenever dad talks about her, his eyes get all starry and he gets a little awkward. I’m tempted to say that he’s infatuated, but that’s a little overkill, I think. I hope that he’s at least being monogamous..._

_So anyways, I have my own congratulations for you on scoring your first kiss! I’m impressed, but not surprised. What with the way that you told me that you practically stalked her for two weeks… Seriously? You followed her to the grocery store? That’s bordering on demented, but hey, who am I to call you anything? After all, I am Air Head to you._

_Speaking of which, I think dad is FINALLY going to let me upgrade my telescope from the one that Michael and Luc got me a while back to this really nice one that I saw at the Hobby store. It has a higher resolution lens and can even take high definition photos of the stars that it focuses on. I am hoping to take a picture of Mars. It’s supposed to present itself in three weeks, and will only be visible for one before the Earth’s shadow falls over that part of the solar system. And I know, the shadow doesn’t affect it THAT much, but it’s enough to make a difference on if you get a high or low res photograph of the space object._

_I already have the details of what this year’s science fair is going to center around. I contacted the school, well I actually went up to the principal on the first day, and asked her when the fair was. I have less than four months to put together a science project! That’s like, zero time! I wonder if dad will let me do the one on if Guinea Pigs are happier if they are set outside at night… yeah, he laughed again. Fine, I’ll do a report on the biological makeup of our bodies and how we are technically all formed of stars. Luc just laughed at that. He walked by as I wrote that down. Well, screw Luc. He got suspended last week anyways, so what does he know?_

_Ugh, I have to go. I have church in the morning._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                April 19_

__

_I have something very important to tell you, and I REALLY hope that nobody else can see this letter as you are reading it. So please, kick Gabe out of your room and go in, turn the lights off, and shut the door. You there? Good…_

_So there is this girl that I’ve been totally falling for the past few months. I took her out to play mini golf and to a track meet that my Uncle was working (cheap stuff, you know). So, she and I have been like, making out and we’ve gotten super close and everything. I don’t love her, but she’s pretty awesome. Anyways, I went out about three days ago and got my first box of condoms… and last night I used them._

_The whole experience was just so amazing, you know? The way that we just, connected, it was awesome. We moved so perfectly and we were just so close, physically and emotionally. So to put it it bluntly… totally not a virgin anymore. Oh yeah, you boy Dean got himself laid for the first time. I am pretty sure that she was a virgin as well, but she never said. I did tell her that I hadn’t before and she was cool with it._

_I’m sorry, I know that you are a church kind of guy, but I couldn’t just tell Sam that I lost my virginity, and dad wouldn’t have listened anyways. So here I am, writing to you about how I lost my virginity, the night after it happened. I also know that some people might think that we are kind of young, but I think, why wait? If we are feeling it then we should do it._

_But apart from losing my V-card, I also was asked by the local middle school to apply for the wrestling team. So I think that I am going to do that, try out for the wrestling team. I would be pretty good, especially considering with how much I actually fight people. But, that’s a different story. No, I can write that now I guess._

_I like to fight. It’s fun, it’s like a blast of energy and it’s just so much fun. It’s- uh, exhilarating! That’s the word that I am looking for here. I don’t expect you to have done that or anything, but have you held hands with anybody yet? You should, it’s awesome._

_Oh, crap. Sam and dad are home. Talk to you later!_

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                        December 12_

__

_Dude, middle school sucks. I know that I have already said that before, but it really does. and Christmas is going to be so hard this year… you know, because dad’s girlfriend walked out on him. I don’t know what’s going on with our family, Dean. Why can’t it just be- be normal? For once? Back in elementary school, before mom, before the divorce, before everything. I want that back._

_There’s this girl in my math class though. She’s really pretty and is super nice, and I think I like her. i just haven’t talked to her yet. Her name is Meg. I think that she is really smart because for our science project, the one that covers the biological impact of waste management, she was in our group and she participated a whole bunch. I think I like her more for her brain than for her looks or anything. You know? Anyways, that is the extent of what my “relationships” are. Oh, and I can’t believe that she said she loved you and then left… that’s rude. You deserve better, especially since that you said that you had already gotten her a christmas present. That’s so cold of her to do._

_So dad doesn’t take us to church anymore. Did I tell you that? Yeah, we stopped going about a months ago… so Michael, since he has his license and we got that old beat up van, takes us to church every Sunday. Well, not Luc, but you know why. I am starting to wonder if my prayers for dad to not have his heart broken are even getting listened to? Because I really thought that God and Jesus were supposed to take into account those who are hurting inside and not ignore their pleas of help. I thought he cared about us, about me? Guess not. Bug oh well, I’m getting used to being forgotten. At least you’re still there for me to talk to._

_Oh crap, Luc came home. One sec- he’s drunk again. I don’t know, nor want to know, where he is getting this stuff. Wait, that’s not just alcohol. He smells funny too. Like smoke? Cigarettes. Dean, Luc is smoking._

_Michael is now yelling at him about it. I can hear them through the walls going at it. And- I have to go. Something was just broken. Bye Dean._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                              December 30_

__

_Is that what you had gotten the girl before? It’s- exquisite Dean! But I can’t, this shouldn’t be something that you give to someone that you don’t know apart from letters. Oh, it glows in the dark? But if I know you as much as I do, you will just send it right back to me, won’t you? Well, in that case only, I will keep it._

_Thank you so much._

 

_Castiel_

 

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                Jan. 4_

__

_To be honest here, I didn’t get that for her. Well, at first I thought that I would give it to her when I saw it but I figured that, after knowing what you are going through, you deserve something to hold onto. And when I saw this, I just felt that it was you. Because even though things are dark for you right now, you keep finding the good things in life to get excited about. Hence the whole ‘glow-in-the-dark’ thing that it has. And the wings I thought were perfect because of church and angels and stuff. You need something like this to keep you happy. So now every time that you feel alone or anything, you can hold onto that and I will be there for you._

_I promise you this, Castiel. I really do. I will always be there for you, just like you are here for me._

_There’s something that I have been meaning to ask for- for well, about a year now… Could we ever trade photos of each other?_

  
_Dean_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The picture is from this etsy shop. I don't own the necklace or anything, I just like this one the most. So credit to the maker of the necklace. https://www.etsy.com/listing/199389731/inspired-by-supernatural-glow-in-the?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=angel%20grace&ref=sr_gallery_30


	9. Electric and Emerald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little bit longer, but I love the reason for it. I couldn't find any pictures for this one, but I think I go into enough detail that you should be able to see what I see. If I don't, tell me and I will add some for you. Enjoy!! (So far this is one of my favorite chapters.)

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                                     January 9_

__

_A picture? As in, of me? Like, sharing a photograph of myself to you and maybe from you to me? Dean, I don’t entirely know about this. I mean, what if it get’s lost in the mail, or it gets ruined by somebody spilling water all over it? There are many things that could go wrong with this particular situation… then again, there are things that could go right. Am I over analyzing this? I feel that I am, but I don’t really care._

_For your birthday I will send you a picture of myself to you, so long as you send one back. Because honestly, I’ve started to wonder the same thing that you are, in that if we should know what the other looks like._

_So I can’t wait to tell you about what happened in class the other day. So since we are in middle school, the eighth graders can be real butts sometimes, right? Yeah. So I was walking through the hall with my giant stack of books and my class stuff and then my backpack on my back, like I do. I was just meandering around, slowly making my way to science, and I tripped over someone. at first it was just like a ‘sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your shoe’ kind of thing. But when I tripped, a couple of my books fell. And of course my arms were full so I couldn’t grab them without setting my other stuff down. But it was the middle of the hallway so why would I do that?_

_An eighth grader came over to me, and I knew he was older because he had just come out of an eighth grade room. But he came over to me, and grabbed my books and put them on top of my stack. So I thanked him because I am a nice person, and he said ‘you’re welcome’ and as I started walking again, he stuck his foot out and I went down… hard._

_So I am currently writing this to you from the hospital because I broke my arm. When I fell, my left arm got trapped under the books that I was carrying so I couldn’t move it out of the way in time, and they landed on it. The doctor said that it’s a clean break, so it won’t take all that long to completely heal. I have a cast on my arm now. It’s black and blue so only silver sharpies work on it. So far Anna has put her name on it, and so has Gabe._

_It really hurts right now and I wish that I could take it off but I can’t, not for about six weeks so that the bone can set and the calcium can re-generate enough that I won’t need the extra support of a plaster cast. I don’t know how I am going to be able to carry around all of my books when I only have one arm that is of any use to me at the current time. Like, how am I supposed to get my backpack and all of my stuff to every class? I can’t use the elevator either because my leg isn’t broken, so I can walk just fine._

_Ugh, this completely sucks, and I wish that I didn’t have a broken arm. The rest of this year is going to be so hard because of it. Like, writing is going to be hard because I can’t hold the paper down as well as I should be able to, and reading is going to be hard because I can’t hold onto my book with my left hand. This is going to suck…_

_Anyways, so because that kid tripped me, the school is going to talk to him and if there are enough witnesses that saw what happened and label it as intentional, then he can get suspended. I’m- I don’t want to say that I am happy that he might be suspended, but I kind of am._

_It’s not the first time that I’ve been tripped in the hallway when I am carrying a lot of things, but this is the first time that it’s been more than a bruise or black eye._

_I have to go now. For your birthday I will send you a picture of me. Until then, have fun with wrestling._

__

_Castiel_

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                             Jan. 12_

__

_They broke your arm? Castiel, that’s not OK. Not even by my standards is that ok. Want me to kick their butts for you? Give me their name and I will hunt them down, and take them out with one blow. I will, I’ve done it before for those who pick on Sam and Garth, and I will do it for you. Nobody pushes around my best friend._

_Ok, by best friend I mean- well, yeah, best friend. Have we ever put a label on our friendship other than when we were a lot younger? What did we call it… oh, favorite friend. That’s what we called it. Uncle Bobby said that it was nice I had a friend and I had told him that you were my favorite because you liked to listen to me and that I did a good job at listening to you, even though I have trouble listening in class. I still do, too._

_Class is getting really hard for me again. I’m doing just fine in math class, but it’s the reading and writing part that is just kicking my butt. I’m trying really hard but the words just are never what I think they are. My teacher says that I should be tested for dyslexia. But I can’t be, I can’t be stupid. I can’t prove my dad right, I have to prove him wrong! He said that I am just a failure because I can’t do anything right. He told me that I am a good-for-nothing piece of trash whose only goal in life is to disappoint him. I know that he was drunk when he was saying that but it still hurt. So I can’t be a disappointment to him, i have to be awesome. And I have to make sure that Sam is even better than me because if dad is mad at ME and he will get violent, then what will he do to little Sammy?_

_I don’t think that it’s wrong that I am a little afraid of my dad, every child should have a healthy respect of fear for their parents, that just how it goes. You respect them and they respect you. At least I hope that’s what it’s supposed to be. I don’t want to have to deal with a truly angry dad. At least not yet, I’m not THAT strong._

_And I can’t wait to get your picture. I will see if I can find a picture of myself. I don't know if I have any recent ones, but I will see what I can find. When I do I will send it to you after you send yours to me. I figure that’s the best way to go, so that I can comment on yours while you comment on mine._

_I can’t wait to get your next letter Castiel._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                        January 24_

__

_Your dad said that to you? Dude, I am so sorry. I wish that there was something that I could do to help. But since I can’t magically teleport down to Kansas, here is what I will tell you. It is not a crime to not be able to read perfectly. It is not a crime to be dyslexic and need help. It just means that you need a little extra time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Dean. I wish that your father could see that. You’re smart, and you deserve to be treated better than you do._

_And my arm is already feeling so much better, thanks for caring so much. The guy- I still don’t know his name- is going to be suspended for a week for intentional harm, and then he will be in detention for two weeks. So hopefully by the time that he gets out of those my arm will be a lot better. But I will still have three weeks in the cast. I wish that you could sign it like a couple of the kids in my class have. That’s just something else that we are going to miss out on I guess. But oh well, because we still get to see the other person’s signature whenever we want._

_I don’t really know what else I can say to you in this letter. There isn’t all that much going on right now. I’ll talk to you when I get your picture. Until then…_

__

_Castiel_

Dean carefully reopened the envelope that the letter had come in, pulling out the picture that he had refused to grab at first. As he pulled it out, it was facedown, with a couple of small words on the back and some numbers. They swam before his eyes as he tried to focus on them.

“Ca-Castiel, s-sev-seventh gra-grade. Sho-scho-school pictu-picture. Hay-happy bird-bithday Dean.” He smiled to himself as he read those few words aloud to himself. He knew that he had messes up a few times, but Castiel said that it was OK that he couldn’t read the best. They both knew that it was nothing to be ashamed of, it was just that dad thought it was. So of course he was the sham in the situation, but he couldn’t just magically make himself a better reader.

He gently flipped over the picture and stopped. Was this really the kid that he had been talking to for all of these years? Could this really be the kid that he had confided so many secrets in? Could this REALLY be THE Castiel? His hair was kind of a dark blonde, darker at the roots than the tips, like it was getting darker as he grew older. It was shaggy, but not long. He had a large smile plastered along his face, which wasn’t tanned, but he didn’t stay inside 24/7, obviously. And against his lightly tanned skin, his eyes stood out like they were on fire, begging for attention. Those would be the eyes that Dean knew he would never forget. Electric blue, they demanded respect, yet still being soft because of the gentle smile that he held. Even at this young of age, the corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled. He wore a beige shirt that had a red collar on it, and there… sitting on top of the shirt for the whole world to see, was Dean’s necklace.

You couldn’t tell very well in the picture that it glowed but there was a slight blue haze that was cast onto his tan shirt. The blue of the necklace matched Castiel’s eyes to a T. The gift couldn’t have been more perfect for his friend. Dean was so excited that he couldn’t even hold it in. He had to show somebody that this was his best friend. That he finally knew what his best friend looked like. So he threw on some shoes, ignoring the fact that they were wearing down and there were holes, and bolted out of the house. Sam was at a friends house, Kevin, so he started running towards Jo’s house. It took a little while because they lived quite a ways from each other. But he barged into the bar anyways, catching his breath quickly. He scared a few of the customers that were there for lunch as he ran wildly through the tables to get to the back room. He was calling out her name along the way.

“Jo! JO! Come here! JO!!” He finally found her upstairs in her room, studying her science. Charlie was there too, surprisingly. Oh duh, science project. He should get on that. Wait, Castiel sent his picture.

“What do you want Dean? And it’s not polite to just barge into a chicks room like this. So what’s got your ass?”

“Well, hello to you too, princess. And I was going to tell you that Castiel sent a picture of himself and I was going to show you guys, but if you won’t be nice…” He let his sentence trail off as he turned out of her room and slowly started walking back towards the stairs. He let a sly smile pass his lips as he heard both girls shout.

“Wait!” He turned back and sauntered into Jo’s room, leaning against the doorframe, the picture held in his left hand. He used it as a small fan, careful to hide the picture from prying eyes.

“So do you actually want to see it, or just catch flies with your big mouths open like that?” Jo flipped him off and got up off of the bed, pushing aside some papers and books. Her long legs still didn’t make her as tall as Dean was, but they were near enough to the same height that he didn’t have to really look down when she pressed herself up against him.

“Show. Us. The picture, Dean.” She slid one wandering hand along the front of his shirt and he knew where it was going so he threw his arm into the air, holding the picture out of the reach of Jo.

“Nice try, only if you ask nicely. And getting into my pants isn’t going to do anything.” He smiled as she snarled. Finally Charlie spoke up.

“Dean, will you show us the picture? We are very curious.” Dean smiled at her and then smirked back at Jo.

“Now that is how you ask nicely. Now, this is Castiel.” He slowly lowered his arm and handed it Jo. “Don’t dent it, this is mine, and I like it.” Jo- carefully- snatched the picture from his outstretched hand, using her womanly touch to hold it by her fingertips.

“Dean, did you know that he’s like, hot? Look at that! He has such a nice smile!” She gazed longingly at the photo before turning and walking to Charlie with it. “Look at this kid.” Charlie took a glance over Jo’s shoulder at the picture and her brown eyes lit up and a smile grew on her face.

“Ok, even I know that this kid is attractive. And have you met me?” Jo came back over to Dean and handed the photo to him. But not before saying something about the necklace that he was wearing.

“Hey, it looks like he has the same necklace as the one that we went out shopping for for Emma. That’s kind of funny.” Dean took the picture back from her and put it in his jacket pocket, careful with the corners.

“Yeah, I saw that too. Hey, I have to go back home and help Sam with his math. Talk to you tomorrow?” Jo nodded at him, returning to the bed with Charlie. They went back to pouring through the books before Dean even got out of the bedroom door. He made his way back down to the bar but before he could exit he was stopped by Ellen.

“Whoa there kiddo. First you come running in here like your ass is on fire, and then you’re smiling like a loon getting out. What’s on your mind?” Ellen over the years had become like a mom to both Dean and Sam, providing food and housing when Bobby nor John could. And it was becoming more frequent that the boys were at the Roadhouse, the bar that Ellen and Jo owned, than with Bobby since he was becoming more distant from John every day. Her scratchy voice was still warm and inviting, and her hair was mousy brown, with just a few strands of grey showing through. And her warm brown eyes could be described as doe-like, if not for their ruthless past of boring holes through anybody that was lying. And Dean was about to get burned by her laser eyes, so he carefully pulled the picture out of his pocket.

“Ellen, this is Castiel. I’ve been his pen-pal for the past four years. He sent a picture of himself to me for my birthday, since it’s today. And, I really wanted to show Jo but she wasn’t very excited. All she said was that he’s cute.” Dean dropped his eyes from Ellen’s when she started looking at the photo. Because he was too busy staring at his feet, he didn’t notice the soft smile Ellen was painting on her face.

“Dean?” He raised his eyes at the sound of her voice. “I think that this,” she motioned to the photograph, “is amazing. Why didn’t you tell me that you were still talking to him?”

“Well, dad didn’t like that I was talking to him. And, well, I didn’t want you to think that I was less of a person because of my choices in writing to Castiel. I’m sorry.” Her jaw dropped a little bit, but when she closed it, she lowered herself to his height.

“Dean, you don’t have to apologize for writing to Castiel. I am just proud of you that you have stuck with something for so long. Four years? That’s awesome! And I would never think that you are less of a person because you are talking to him. That’s silly right there. Even if your father isn’t proud of you for being who you are with Castiel, I am. Don’t let John get you down about talking to him. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking.” Her eyes crinkled as she smiled and Dean couldn’t help himself when he reached forward and pulled her into a tight hug, right there in the middle of the bar. Several nearby patrons nearby ‘aww-ed’ at the moment between the two.

“Thanks Ellen.”

“You’re welcome kiddo.” Dean pulled away from her, a shy smile spreading across his lips.

“Uh, I promised Castiel that I would send him a picture of me in response… did dad ever take photos of me? This is Castiel’s school photo, but I don’t have a copy of mine.” Ellen furrowed her brows in concentration, but Dean could see the sadness in her eyes.

“No, I don’t think he ever did, Dean.” Dean let his mouth form an ‘o’ shape, a silent realization of the situation. “But how about this? How about I take your photo here, at the bar, and then we can send that one to Castiel? That way you’re house won’t be there so that your father can’t get angry.” Dean nodded to her, and she nodded back, standing up.

_Castiel,                                                                                                                            Jan. 29_

__

_You came through on your promise, so I am going to come through on mine. Thank you for the birthday wishes, you were one of about three people who said anything to me today. Not even dad said anything, and Sam still doesn’t know dates all that well about when things are. But that’s ok, because you know._

_So I talked to Ellen some about us. About how we are still talking, because ever since we stopped sending letters to and from her place, I haven’t said anything about you to her. She said that she is so proud of me for continuing with something for so long. That being said, I quit wrestling. It wasn’t fun anymore and I knew most of the stuff that the coach taught us before he taught it._

_Ok, here goes… your picture is hanging up on my wall, right next to my bed, under the lower left corner of my Led Zeppelin poster, because if dad found it he would probably get rid of it. And there are no holes in it, no sticky things on the back, it’s just held up there by a frame that I made out of toothpicks and tape. I refuse to let anything happen to that photo._

_So here is mine. Ellen took my picture outside of the Roadhouse (that’s the bar that she owns, and she lives above it with Jo) so that dad won’t get mad about you having a picture of our house. So again, thank you for the birthday wishes._

__

_Dean_

Castiel pulled the photograph out from the envelope, and noticed that on the back was a small message. And it was not Dean’s handwriting, it was far too clean and precise for that.

‘Castiel, thank you for making my Dean so happy. I haven’t seen him smile in a long time, and when he does, it’s because of you. You sending that picture meant a lot to him since he has so little else in his life that makes him happy. Thank you so much. You’re an angel in disguise. Ellen’

Castiel stared at the neat scrawl and figured that Dean hadn’t known that she wrote anything on it, since he wouldn’t have allowed him to see the sappy message. But he was glad that Dean hadn’t found it, he himself had become a lot happier knowing that Dean was around and would be there for him in his own time of need. He turned over the photo using just the tips of his fingers, and gasped.

“Whoa.” He wasn’t sure what was happening, but butterflies suddenly exploded in his stomach and his heart jumped to this throat. THAT was Dean. Dean Winchester. He has short cropped hair that was lit golden by the sun, but the roots of his hair showed that it was a slightly darker blonde color. You could see the slats of wood of the bar through his hair, as it was kind of spiky.

The Roadhouse itself was large and looming, encompassing most of the picture. It looked almost like an old church, with what appeared to be a steeple, but the entire thing was built of a heavy, dark wood that was obviously splintered. The old windows were foggy and grey, but the shapes of people inside ment that it was full. It seemed to have a porch as well, and the screen door had the wooden part of it painted green, but it too was chipped and splintered.

Dean though, he consistently fit and didn’t fit into the background. His clothing, well what he could see, was a black shirt with what seemed to be a band name- Bon Jovi! Castiel recognized it from Dean mentioning them so many times. Then he had a red and black plaid shirt on over that, and then a thick leather jacket over that. The collar on it was popped up. The style fit in, but the way that the jacket was in perfect condition, and those shirts were clean made them stand out. His skin was nicely tanned, and it may have been partially to the light of the sun that he seemed to glow. He had a wide smile plastered on his face, exposing a set of perfectly white teeth that put even the full moon to shame on how bright they were. But he had to stop when he got to Dean’s eyes.

Green. Emerald, electric, hunter, forest, shamrock green. But mostly emerald. They sparkled and shined and drew you in. Castiel couldn’t help but to bring the photograph closer to his face in order to see the depth of their intensity. As he did so, he noticed something else. Along his nose, cheeks, forehead, and even a few on his ears, Dean was COVERED in freckles. They escaped into his hairline, under the hem of his shirt, everywhere. And his eyes seemed to be freckled too, but that’s called flecked. His green eyes, his emerald green eyes,  were so bright because they were flecked with gold.

“Dude, I’ve been speaking to you for like, a full minute. What are you so wrapped up in?” Gabe stood in the doorway, and Castiel looked up in surprise, pulling the photograph behind him slightly.

“What?” He had lost even that bit of the conversation. Gabe sighed and walked over to his little brother, holding out his hand as he did so.

“Cough it up. What it is?” Castiel looked nervously at the hand, glancing up to Gabe in a silent plea for him to go away. But seeing as his brother wasn’t going to budge any time soon, he sighed.

“Just, don’t bend it or anything. It’s my only copy. Please be careful.” Gabe nodded, his blonde hair flying about his face.

“Ok, I promise.” Slowly Castiel slid the photo into Gabe’s hand, not letting go until Gabe a solid, yet soft, hold on the prized possession. Gabe looked down at it, confused as to what it was. “Who is this? He’s kind of- not now ‘kind of’, he is VERY hot. Who is he and where can I get one?” Castiel blushed a deep crimson, even his ears getting hot.

“Stop it. That’s Dean. For his birthday we traded pictures.” Gabe’s eyes grew wide at the comment, excited about the words.

“Ooh! My baby brother now has the photo of a hot guy, and the hot guy has a photo of my baby brother!! What if he thinks that you are ugly or something? What if he stops writing to you now?” Castiel refused to let tears sting his eyes.

“Why are you being so mean about this? You sound like Luc! Stop!” He reached for the photo but Gabe pulled it out of reach.

“I just want to know why you thought it would be a good idea to let him see you. You are never going to meet anyways, so why bother?” He tossed the picture into the air and walked out of the bedroom. Castiel dove after the photo, not wanting to let it hit the ground. His left arm landed on the floor but the picture didn’t touch it. Hot tears of pain and betrayal rushed from his eyes, and he sat up, cradling his arm in his lap. The tears changed from pain and betrayal to complete sadness… in his right hand, the corner of the picture of was bent from here Castiel had grabbed it. As the tears fell, one landed on Dean’s face, magnifying the eyes that looked straight into the camera. He refused to let himself see a hint of regret in those green and gold eyes.

“I am so sorry Dean. Please forgive me.” Castiel got up, still holding onto his throbbing arm, and placed the photo into the front cover of the nearest book he could get his free hand on- Social Skills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the book that I mention, Social Skills, is about a shy violinist and a closeted football player who fall in love (both are male). I have not read the book, I just found it on 'Goodreads'. If anybody HAS read it, is it good?


	10. Emotions Suck, But These Are OK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. (No it's not, actually) But this is the last chapter where there is immediate back and forth, because after this I will literally be skipping freshman and sophomore year to get to the good stuff. I might add in an in-between chapter later, but for now I really want to get to the good stuff. Thanks for hanging on with me for so long. I've really come to love writing this piece. Not as many people are excited about my cowboy!Dean fic, but that's ok. You like this one.

_Dean,                                                                                                         April 18_

__

_Dude, school's almost out! We only have about a month left before we become eighth graders! That means that I can finally get to class without being picked on. Ever since my arm got out of it’s cast, I have been picked on more minutely. You know how I told you about my black eye? Well it’s starting to fade, and the bruise on my leg is nearly gone as well. So I think that the reign of ‘Beat on Castiel’ is finally drawing to a close from the older kids. Of course, I won’t beat up anybody when I am an eighth grader but at least now I will be gaining some slight respect, at least from a retrospective angle._

_But who knows? Maybe this upcoming school year will be the one where I finally find out how I am supposed to live my life and not be so afraid of everything._

_I think that I am also going to be joining the Journalism Club. I seem to be a decent writer enough to join the club. If I join the club then I can join the newspaper and maybe even the high school newspaper when we get into high school. I think that I have a knack for researching and contemplating hard on intricate subjects that are important to the journalism industry. How cool would that be? To have me become a journalist?!_

_So anyways, with school being nearly out, that means that summer is coming up. Dad wants to take us kids to go to a lake or something and spend some "quality" time together. I don't see why though... we spend enough time together in the house. Maybe I can write something about the importance of keeping the lake habitat clean and healthy for the fish and stuff. That would be cool to do._

_I think I will. Maybe even talk to the Game Wardens about the local environment and wildlife and how they thrive and stuff. The school paper isn’t that hard to get into, at least when you are in middle school. And they always take the eighth graders over the seventh graders because it’s our last year and the last chance to get into the paper._

_Anyways, I have to go now. Luc just walked in and… yeah, he’s drunk again. I’ve got to go and make sure that he gets into the shower. Bye Dean._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                 Sep. 11_

__

_So, the day that I am writing this- September 11- is… ugh, ok, I guess this is going to be a letter where I actually have emotions and shit… uh, stuff. Sorry. I tend to cuss a lot and I’ve done well on not putting it into writing so I am sorry if you are offended by it. Let me know next letter if you don’t want me to to cuss again. But- here’s my life at the moment._

_Dad is gone. He packed all of his things, he took the Impala, and he is gone. I don’t know where he is, Bobby doesn’t know, and Ellen doesn’t know. Sam is worried sick and at this point, I don’t even care if he comes back. He’s not a good father and he doesn’t care about me or Sammy. And He thinks that Sam is some sort of freak because he’s getting awesome grades and he’s doing so well in school. Before he left he pulled Sam off of the soccer team._

_So Sam is all upset about it because, soccer is his life, you know? Like how last year they went to regionals and came in second? Yeah, he loves soccer. But dad pulled him out and told him that he isn’t allowed to play anymore, for some reason that he didn’t tell either him or me of. So, Sam is no longer a soccer nerd._

_So not only is dad gone, Sam is off of the soccer team, but eighth grade is not working out like I expected it to go. Look, I get that it’s the start of the school year, but these teachers don’t need to be so mean about everything. I’m not good in school, I can’t read, math is getting harder and harder, even if I do study… how do they expect me to be perfect in everything?! I can’t stand it anymore! Sam is in elementary school and he gets better grades than me! The kid is nine and he is smarter than I am… it really sucks._

_The teachers don’t understand that I can’t read well and they don’t understand that I am bad at math. I can help Sam with his but that is because his stuff is easy. I can’t do mine because the teachers don’t teach it well. I try my best but my best never seems to be enough for them. I've even gotten help from Ash and Benny, but for some reason they can't seem to make me smart. I wish that I could understand why, but my brain doesn't even work that well._

_So continuing on with why 9/11 is such a crappy day, Bobby told me that he is moving and taking his business with him to Sioux Falls, South Dakota... So, dad is gone, Uncle Bobby is going to be gone, Sam is off of the soccer team, I'm not smart enough for school, and it's 9/11._

_That's all for my writing for today, I guess that I just needed to vent out some frustrations that I had with my life. I'm sorry to unload all of that on you but I needed someone to talk to and you have always been there for me. So, thank you for listening to me just ranting and stuff, it felt really good._

_I'll talk to you later._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                 September 17_

__

_I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to vent to me, I don't mind it at all. I actually appreciate it. I'm sorry that your year so far isn't working out for you. Sometimes teachers just don't understand what is going on in a person's mind and in return don't know how to execute good communication. Their intelligence isn't always on the same level as it should be to be a perceptive teacher._

_I too have a slightly- emotional letter to write to you, and I don't know how you are going to take it because I tried telling Michael and he slapped me and now I have another black eye, and I tried telling dad and I am currently not in my house... I am sitting in the library, the one three miles away that I walked to because they have a vending machine and soft chairs._

_I don't know how I am going to tell you this without ending up crying because I cried telling dad and I cried telling Michael and I don't want to tell anyone else because I am afraid of them doing something to me. So I will be lying to both my father and eldest brother about who I am for the next- well who knows how long?_

_Dad told me that I was going to burn in hell and Michael told me that if I ever presented myself as a different person for what I told him that he would personally see to it that I am never accepted back into the family. And I don’t know about what you would do because we have never discussed anything like this before. I don’t know what I am supposed to do and I don’t want to lose our friendship over something this stupid- it’s not stupid but something so… well it’s important to me, let’s put it that way._

_And I really hope that you can accept me for who I am because I don’t know if I even have yet and to just have one person say that it’s OK to be me would be a miracle in itself… so here goes…_

_I’m gay._

_Wow, that felt really good to say/write. I don’t even know why I told dad in the first place, or even Michael, but I think it’s because I figured that family is supposed to be there for you no matter what, and I was wrong. So I guess I have to turn to friends now for support… well, friend. You are really the only friend that I have left._

_Gabe has his own girlfriend, a girl named Kali, and Luc is a senior in high school, and Michael is in college, and poor little Anna had to hear dad screaming at me when I told him about- well about me. And at school I am still getting bullied and I don’t have anyone to stand up for me, and the only person who ever does is this girl named Meg, but she doesn’t know my name. She keeps calling me Clarence. I don’t understand the reference if there is one._

_I don’t know who else to turn to, and I really hope that you don’t shun me as well but if you do then I will understand. Dean, can you be there for me just this one last time? I’m so scared because I am alone and this is a massive and scary world and I know that I sound like I am eight all over again but you’re my greatest friend, and… and…_

_Is it possible to miss someone that you have never even met in real life? Because that’s how I feel right now. I miss you and I don’t even know how your voice sounds, how you feel when you give a hug, nothing. I miss you and it’s because I literally have nobody else in this world that cares about me. And I want to say that I care about you too but I don’t want you to think that I am in love with you or anything now, because that’s what Michael was scared of. He said that everyone is going to think that I am in love with them and that I can’t show any affection anymore because they might get grossed out._

_I don’t want that to happen between us, and I don’t want to feel alone, but if you can’t comprehend my thoughts or how I am, then OK. We don’t have to talk anymore. Just send one last letter telling me that we can’t talk and I won’t reply. I promise I won’t, but I hope that you don’t send that letter in the first place, because I need someone and I hope that you are that person who will stand by me no matter what I am going though._

_I know that this is a long letter and I know that I am rambling, but I needed to get this off of my chest and out of my system, and I really don’t want to lose you like I am losing my family. And I know that we aren’t family but sometimes I think of you as family because you are here for me so much more often than my own family is._

_Anyways, that’s what my emotional letter is about. And I know that it’s not OK to just up and say something that someone might think is canceling out their own opinions and struggles, but I want you to know that your struggles are valid, and that your pain is very much real. I just figured that now would be a good time- well there is no GOOD time- to tell you about who I am, or who I think I am._

_So please, you don’t have to respond but if you did my life would be a lot happier. Thank you for listening, Dean._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                            Sep. 22_

__

_I would NEVER kick you out of my family. Do you see that? MY FAMILY. Because some old coot a while back (Bobby) told me that ‘family don’t end in blood’, and that extends to those that I don’t know and have never officially met. You are family to me Castiel, and I will protect those that I care about. And it’s not weird that you care about me, because I care about you just as much. We have grown up together, learned to become better people together, made mistakes and fixed problems together. Like you told me, your pain is valid, Castiel. Don’t sell yourself short for what you believe isn’t OK. Your “family” sucks if they think that you need to hide who you are. Well you can be open with me about anything that is going on in your life._

_Michael should have zero say in what goes on in your life. He is out of the house, which means that he can be out of your life. But I’m in your life, and a fairly large part considering what you are telling me, so here is my say._

_I am PROUD of you for being who you are. Never change._

_And who the fuck cares who you like? It should be YOU making those decisions, not your family members. And while, yeah, I get that you may have to hide yourself a little bit with your family, but don’t let their opinions dictate how you live your life. I would never judge you like that, because you are worth SO much to me, Castiel. You are worth everything and you deserve everything, and I will ALWAYS be here for you. And don’t you ever think otherwise because… because you are the only friend I have right now, even including my own “family” and you deserve to have so much more than you do at the moment. We will get through this, I promise. Even if I have to come all the way up to Illinois, I will protect you with my life._

_I heard someone talking about me the other day… they said that despite my tough personality, I tend to take care of the things that I love. That’s why Baby is in such good condition, even after dad beat her up. That’s why Sam is so good in school, because I force him to study even though I don’t. That’s why I have every single one of your letters tucked away, not a single corner bent, and the envelope for each one. They are protected. Sam is protected. Jo is protected. And, goddamnit Castiel, you’re protected._

_I promise you, Castiel. With all of my heart I promise you that it will get better and that your life will flourish and prosper and it can only go up from here. (It had better go up from here, because if it doesn’t… you understand.) Take care, Castiel._

_**  
** Dean_


	11. Planes, Paper, and Perfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter, but the next chapter is where things really do get interesting, I promise. I realize that there isn't all that much going on in this chapter, but I needed you guys to see where Dean sits with the whole auto-mechanic thing and where Castiel sits with the whole journalism career thing.

After Castiel had come out to Dean, things in their lives weren’t ever quite the same. Yeah, they still talked and everything, but the letters got even more personal than they already had been. Castiel, now emerging as a 16 year old, rummaged through the letters in his folder, buying time so that he wouldn’t have to pack. Here’s one from about two months after the ‘I’m gay’ letter was sent.

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                    Nov. 20_

__

_So, you know how you came out to me a few months back? Well, I have to tell you something. And I know that right now you will probably be thinking that I am going to tell you off or something, but honestly, I’m more of asking for help than anything else at this point. Um… how did you know that you were- gay? Was it some sort of little voice in the back of your head? The way that you talked? How about if some other guy just comes up to you and kisses you and you don’t fight it?_

_Because I just- well I just kissed a guy and I don’t know if I liked it or not because it was in the locker room in gym and his lips were so soft but it was a guy! I don’t understand what happened. Did I like it? Did I hate it? I think I liked it and I think I want more but I don’t know._

_Ok… I really liked it. And I know that I don’t want it to be the last time that I kiss a guy. And I don’t know who I want to kiss but now I know that I do. And wow… Castiel, I think I understand why you said that you’re gay. That was nice._

__

The entirety of the letter was comprised of him being unsure of who he was becoming or who he thought that he was. Honestly it was a little sad but also cute at the same time. It was endearing, and Castiel had replied with telling him that he knew he was gay because he couldn’t stop looking at the guys in his class, while everyone else couldn’t stop looking at the opposite gender. So after a few hours of intensive library time, he finally learned about what he was- who he was. It reminded him of the letter a few years back, when he himself told Dean that he was gay. And it wasn’t so much HIS letter that he remembered, but the letter that he received from Dean.

_********************************************************************************_

_He couldn’t believe what he was reading, what he was seeing. To see the amount of love scrawled upon that page, to see the compassion and acceptance in those beautiful words, it nearly made him cry. In fact, it did make him cry- like a baby. He melted. His heart and spirit soared while his body dropped to the ground, clutching to the letter like a lifeline. It was the only letter in his entire collection that had a dent in it, and it had been nearly crushed. Hot tears swelled and rolled down his face, and his body shook with the broken sobs of joy. He cried like a child and it didn’t stop. He knew in that moment that he had found a piece of peace in the world. And all because of a mud-kickball tournament from gym three months back._

_He let himself relive the moment of how the pitcher, Balthazar, had been hit in the stomach by the ball, how he had fallen to his back, how mud had sprayed his arms and legs. He let himself remember how they had all gone back to Castiel’s house to clean up and eat, and how they had decided to take turns showering. He let himself remember how he stood by the bathroom door, listening to Balthazar hum an out-of-tune melody._

_How when he accidentally brushed against the door it had swung open. How he had been delighted to find that fact out. How he had peeked his head inside of the steamed room, the sweaty heat clinging to the hard, wooden door. He let himself remember how he had taken the time to stand and watch Balthazar through the glass doors as he massaged himself with soap, lathering his body in thick suds. He let himself remember the way that he felt the butterflies in his stomach come to life as Balthazar grabbed hold of his dick to wash it off, unknowingly tugging at Castiel’s heart while tugging on his member._

_He let himself remember nearly being caught when Balthazar looked up at the moment the door was pulled closed. And he let himself remember the way that he couldn’t stop smiling, knowing that there was something that he knew that the others didn’t… what Balthazar looked like without clothes on._

_He let himself relive the months of pain and torture of when Balthazar would flirt with the girls in the class, and the disgust of when they flirted back. He let himself remember the jealousy and sickening feeling of how Balthazar’s eyes lit up when they saw a girl smiling at him, and how they dulled and looked away when he spotted Castiel looking at him, the way that he had looked at the girl. To Castiel it wasn’t fair that Balthazar got to flirt with girls and he couldn’t flirt with guys. What was so wrong with that?_

_In the public library that next day, he had researched what those feelings were, why they were there, and how he could get rid of them. That last one didn’t offer up too much information so he couldn’t do anything about it. He just had to let the feelings go and ignore them. But they were hard to ignore when Balthazar had just walked into the library, wearing a tight shirt._

__

Castiel’s mind swung back into place as he clutched at the letter, desperate for something to hold onto in his time of absolute need. He grasped at those words, held them close to his heart, and he fell in love with Dean Winchester's heart.

_******************************************************************************_

Castiel stared at the most recent letter of Dean’s, where he himself wasn’t sure what he liked and didn’t like. And for the sincerity of the letter, Castiel smiled a hopeful smile in the fact of Dean learning who he really is. Castiel placed it onto the nightstand next to his bed and thought over the response that he would give in return, while still packing for his trip.

The journalism team was on a hot streak these past few years, with more than one several-thousand dollars worth of grants to expand the journalism center. And this year, with it being Castiel’s junior year, the journalism department was invited to bring three kids to Germany, Poland, and Austria, to commemorate WW2 veterans and those who tragically lost their lives within the sadistic holding cells that were concentration camps. And Castiel was the lead investigator in the article. But that meant that he would have to leave home for a week, and leave behind Dean. He would be sending out a letter before leaving, letting Dean know that he’s not ignoring him for the next week, he just won’t be there. and that he would be sending the article to him so that he can read it as well. But having to leave the country would be hard. He had had to get a passport and everything, just for the trip. He remembered Dean’s response when he had told him about the opportunity.

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                                       Dec. 19_

__

_How dare you get on one of those flying death traps! Don’t you know how many planes go down a year? ESPECIALLY since you would be going over open water, where there are man eating sharks and sirens and who knows what else is in those fucking waters. And I would rather take the sirens over the plane because- PLANES! They aren’t supposed to stay in the air! They defy the laws of science!_

_Ok, I looked up how planes fly and they still defy the laws of science. I can promise you that. They are too heavy to fly, and they crash, and they burn, and then I would lose you and I can’t lose you… be careful, please._

__

That letter as well had made Castiel all warm on the inside. In fact, a lot of these recent letters had been like that, making him happier than usual. And that was saying alot considering that he had been diagnosed with mild depression after figuring out who he was, before his father knew. So the fact that Dean could make him happy, just through letters, was a miracle in Castiel’s eyes.

__

_*************************************************************************************_

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                      March 19_

__

_I just got back from Europe, and boy do I have a lot to tell you. Number one, jet lag sucks. It’s not OK and it should not exist. Number two, I am very much alive and I am still here for you. I promised you that and now I am delivering. Number three, the article that I wrote won’t just be featured in the school paper, but in the newspaper of the town closest to Auschwitz. Here is the article:_

**Arbeit Macht Frei**

**By: Castiel Novak**

**The quiet was eerie, wrapping it’s long tendrils around your legs, attempting to drag you under the crusted over surface of the frozen ground. The hard and protective exterior to a memory that we hate to remember, but refuse to forget… Auschwitz.**

**Arbeit Macht Frei, Work Makes You Free; the hollowed out echo of these words rings loudly through the desolate camp as it’s large letters are projected to the ground from the metal, and slightly rusted, base that it stands on at the entrance of the, arguably, most notorious concentration camp from World War II. Originally conceived as a place to hold  political protestors, it quickly grew into one of the largest, and deadliest, of concentration camps in europe. Located in southern Poland, it sits right on several railroad tracks so that carting “undesirables” to (and not really from) the camp would be easier.**

**It’s an experience that I would never like to have to deal with again, walking upon those deserted fields, through those half demolished buildings, looking but not seeing; listening but not hearing. With my eyes I saw the ruins of gas chambers and bunks, but I couldn’t possibly see the millions of lost souls who found their demise in this prison. With my ears I heard the mournful cry of a Mourning Dove and the ground shifting underfoot, but I couldn’t possibly hear the broken cries of the sick, injured, and forgotten, their voices lost on the wind that sweeps through these grounds.**

**As I wound my way through the ruins, I couldn’t help but remember the name of the “doctor” that they kept on the grounds, the one who performed heinous acts of torture against those in the camps- Josef Mengele (1911-1979).**

**The cries of those killed still echo through the desolate buildings, calling for help and for liberation which would eventually come in 1945, and would only make a difference to some 7,600- a far cry from the 1.5 million who were killed within those barb-wired walls, and the 60,000 who were moved to new camps earlier in the year, for the fear of the Americans coming and taking their “cattle”.**

**I myself, only being 17, am one of the youngest people ever asked to write an article of the place where, no matter how long it has been, the stench of ash forces it’s way up your nose. To have this honor is truly awe-inspiring, but this is something that has completely destroyed my heart. Walking through here and remembering that it was one single man who did this… it’s terrible. Terrible meaning the story, and amazing at it’s repercussions of the fact that, had Hitler not taken the lives over 11 million people, the world’s current population would be about 1 billion people more. Or that without Mengele’s experiments with plastic surgery, our own medical advanced wouldn’t be so great in such a short amount of time.**

**It’s a little sick to think about but those are the facts. Now, I am not supporting the actions of Hitler, Mengele, or any Nazi, nor am I condoning their “reasonings” for them, but next time that you think of the Holocaust and/or Auschwitz, remember the worldly advances while remembering that we must never forget the 11 million lives lost to one angry and discriminatory man.**

_I was approached by my journalism teacher who had spoken to the local newspaper, and it was arranged that my article would be run in the paper, and possibly distributed throughout other countries in Europe, since the Holocaust did damage everywhere, not just Poland. I was also told that the school would attempt to take another trip somewhere next year, and that they want me to go._

_Our local newspaper will be getting my article as well, and they might run it in the Young Reporters section! Dean, this is so exciting! Can you believe this? Because I really can’t. Ok, I’ve got to go, the dryer just buzzed._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                    March 24_

__

_Dude, that is an AWESOME article! That is some amazing work, and you are extremely talented. i am so proud of you for finding something that you absolutely love to do and that you are fantastic at. I hope it get’s run in the Young Reporters section of the paper, you deserve the recognition._

_I have some awesome news too… I got a job! Well, uncle Bobby showed up a few days ago saying that he was going to buy back his junkyard/repair shop, and that he needed a mechanic on the floor to help him rebuild the cars that people bring in. So he asked me, probably because I work with them anyways for my auto shop class in school, and now I get to learn to be a real mechanic! That mean’s that I get to be paid for taking apart cars and putting them back together._

_There have already been a few cars that I have been working on, since I got the job two days ago, and Bobby is really impressed. But I think that he would be more impressed at the fact that you are having your article run in not just the school’s paper, but newspapers in Europe, and quite possibly in your local paper. Because that just doesn’t happen every day, you know?_

_Have I told you yet that Sam has a little bit of a crush going on? There is this girl named Ruby in his class, and while I don’t really like her (rich parents equals a spoiled child) she is decently nice to him. She came over the other day for a “study session” because their math class is pretty hard. And I kind of like her because she is really smart, like Sam is. But they are in seventh grade, while we are Juinors in high school. They shouldn’t even be looking for a relationship. At least, not serious ones like we are._

_Uh oh- dad’s home… yeah, he’s drunk off his ass. Hey, I have to go and make sure that he doesn’t find Sam or anything sharp. I’ll talk to you as soon as I can._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                 March 29_

__

_Have you ever tried calling social services? They might be able to help you get this whole ‘dad’ situation under control… You shouldn’t have to protect your little brother from you dad every time that he comes home. It’s not OK that YOU are the adult in this situation. You’re 16, you shouldn’t have to!_

_I don’t know if you could tell, but I was yelling in that last paragraph…_

_So I think that I mentioned it in the last letter, but I don’t know if you saw it, but there will be another trip planned for next year for the journalism team. We don’t know where we are going yet, but all we know is that we still have enough money to take another trip somewhere. Maybe not another Europe trip, but somewhere. I am really excited. I am going to write as well as I can this next year so that I can go on this trip with the others._

_And what you said, about rich kids being spoiled? I don’t think that is quite true. I was raised in a household where the income was fairly decent, and I’m not spoiled. None of us were. And I don’t want to harp on you because of your situation, but just because you were raised on a lower income doesn’t automatically mean anything. Granted, you are probably more humble than most of the other kids in the class because you know what it’s like to not really have anything, but don’t assume that kids who have a better income are beneath you. Rich kids don’t always get what they want, Dean. Have you met me? Have I not talked about how my family is so screwed up, or how sometime our “richness” runs out? Please, don’t assume that just because they have some money that they aren’t good enough._

_Sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything but there has been a lot of talk at our school of teacher cuts because the Board of Education deems it that financial cuts need to be made, and I’m getting really nervous about my favorite teachers getting cut._

_I’ll talk to you later Dean._

_**  
** Castiel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I also put a short snippit of Dean's letter to Castiel in there, and just to clarify things if you don't understand, Dean is becoming confused about his own sexuality. If you have any more questions, just ask.


	12. Fell From His Lips In A Whisper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one moves really fast, and jumps around a little bit, so if you have questions, feel free to ask. It's also NOT edited so I am positive there are some mistakes... bonus points for people who help me find them! And I am sorry this took so long, i had some major life issues taking a sh!t on me, so, yeah. Uh, enjoy?

One Year Later

_Dean,                                                                                                                      March 12_

__

_I am coming to Kansas with my school- well, five other kids from the journalism class. We will be coming in about a week, so I hope that you will be getting this in time. And I think that we will be passing through Lawrence at some point, so maybe I can finally meet you?_

_So we are each doing our own project on this trip, and it has to either be an investigative piece or a social piece… technically. I was told (since I have already done on of each this year) that I can do mine on whatever I want to. It’s going to be so much fun! But first I have to find a topic… I still don’t know what I am going to write about, but I am sure that I will figure something out by the time we have to leave for the trip._

_So, I don’t think that we are going to have any time to meet because we will only be down there for two nights- well actually four, but we get there really late at night and then the last night we have to leave super early in the morning. It’s not fair. You know what? I’ve never thought to ask if you had a cell phone or anything… I don’t but I wasn’t sure about you._

_Well, I know that this is a short one but I have to go- dad brought home his latest girlfriend. Can you believe that her name is Lilith? Eww, I know.. Alright, hopefully I will get a new letter from you before I go._

_Until then,_

__

_Castiel_

Four days had gone by since Dean was supposed to receive the letter without a response, and Castiel was leaving the next day. Waiting for Dean’s letter had proven to be pure torture, much like watching grass grow. he had waited by the mailbox everyday, which really isn’t ok, but it hadn’t come. it was nearly a full week since he had put that little red flag up. So caught up in his thoughts on the letter was he, he jumped at the knock at his door.

“Castiel? Hey, didn’t mean to scare you, I just wanted to know if you wanted some help on finding anything else you needed to pack. Maybe things that you didn’t originally consider that I could help you with?” Lilith was a nice enough person, but Castiel didn’t fully trust her. Her ruby red lips and platinum blonde hair and too wide smile sent the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on edge. But it was useful to have a woman (besides his little sister, who wasn’t much help) in the house.

“Yes, please. I’m not entirely sure what I am supposed to pack.” He let himself sigh in relief as she came to sit next to him on the bed, staring with him at the mostly empty suitcase.

“Well, at least you have underwear, those are a good start. But what about socks?” At her suggestion he went to his (no longer his and Gabe’s since his older brother had moved out) dresser to grab a few pairs of socks. he tossed them into the bag and looked up expectantly at his father’s girlfriend.

“Now what?”

“Well, that depends on where you are going. Do you know yet?” Castiel glanced at the itinerary taped next to his star map poster. His eyes landed on the red lines marking the constellation of Apus, the constellation that Dean had carved into a little wooden token all those years ago.

“Hotel by nine, up at 8:30, printing press by 9:45, library at 11, lunch at noon. From there we have the afternoon off but then we are going to a playhouse for dinner, we can wander from the time it gets over until 11. Up by 9, out the door by 10, library at 10:15 until noon, lunch, and then off to the newspaper from 1:30 until 3. We have until 6 to do whatever, and then we are going to something called a Demolition Derby at a nearby fairground. Then bedtime and up by 5, on the road by 6:30 at the latest.” He looked back over to her. She had been nodding along the entire time, figuring out what he needed to bring.

“You will need jeans and a tee for the derby, and your hiking boots because it gets pretty messy. Slacks and a nice shirt for the playhouse. During the days wear nice pants, don’t have to be jeans or slacks, just nice. Wear button up’s during the days so that when you go the newspaper and stuff that you look good. Other than that i think that you are all set. Bring your satchel to carry your stuff, and don’t forget your camera.” As she rattled things off, Castiel rushed around the room to gather them. once they were nicely packed he returned to the bed. Lilith was looking at something on his desk.

“What are you looking at Lilith?” She had locked her eyes on something and as Castiel followed her gaze, he froze. The corner of Dean’s latest letter peeked out from under a spiral on his desk. Lilith was already to it by the time he had called out, “wait.”

“Castiel, what is this? Who is this, ‘Dean’?” Uninvitedly, she began to read. Castiel hung his head in shame- Dean was his, not hers. And that was a private letter.

“He’s my penpal. Have been for, well about ten years now. I don’t like to share our conversations.” He had hoped that last line would be enough to get her to stop reading the letter, but that was to no avail. She read through the letter with precision detail, and he was pretty sure that she was re-reading it by the time that he snapped.

“Please, put that down. His life is not for you, that letter is not for you, those words are not for you! I know that you are new to this family, but let me get one thing straight with you.” He was taller than her, so when he stood and snatched the letter from her hands, she turned white. “If I ever find out that you are reading any of the letter, you will regret ever stepping into my life in the first place. These letters are personal and they are kept away from prying eyes for a reason. Thank you for helping me pack, now get out of my room.” The look that he have her was ice cold, doing it’s best to freeze her where she stood.

“Understood, Castiel. Crystal clear.” The look she returned wasn’t one of understanding though, but one full of vengeance. But she did end up turning and walking out of the room, her blonde hair waving behind her like a salute of goodbye to Castiel.

his mouth hung open as he watched her leave, appalled by her actions. Regaining his senses, he closed the door, returned the letter to his desk and started folding all of his clothes. A quiet knock on the door stirred him from his thoughts.

“Cassie? It’s me.” Anna’s timid voice was one of relief to Castiel’s ears, and he gratefully let her into his room.

“What’s up Anna? You seem a little upset.” Her brown eyes flicked back and forth from Castiel to his open and half filled suitcase. She hid behind her red hair as she sat down next to his bed.

“I don’t want you to go. Because after this trip you will be going to college and then i will have to be stuck here all alone with dad and the girlfriend-of-the-month. And i don’t really like Lilith.” she spoke quickly and quietly, seemingly afraid of being left alone. Castiel slid down next her her, wrapping one arm around her thin shoulders.

“This trip is short and college isn’t for a long time. Besides, you can come visit me in college whenever you want. And, you know what?” he pulled back from Anna to look into her eyes.

“I don’t like Lilith either.” They shared a small smile before they heard their father calling for dinner.

**********************************************************************************

The entirety of the car ride wasn’t that bad. They stopped the van twice so that everyone could get out and stretch their legs, because six high school seniors and two adults is a lot in a large van. So when Mrs. Naomi finally called out that they were there, an audible sigh of relief rose from those who were still awake, Castiel included. The blackness of the outside shielded his eyes from seeing much of the town, so instead he looked upon his fellow classmates.

Balthazar and Hester were still awake while Inias, Rebecca and Ezra were asleep in the far back seat. Once the three were awake they made it up to their hotel rooms. Even stepping so often  they arrived at about 9:45, so they were allowed to walk around town until 11. Castiel decided that he would take the time to figure out what he wanted this piece to be.

Donning a hoodie, his camera, and his satchel, Castiel made his way from the motel to the streets of small town Kansas. Where was their motel? He couldn’t remember what town exactly, he didn’t see the sign as they drove in. Either way the girls went off one direction while the rest of the guys spit up and went other directions. Castiel was left to wander the streets of Kansas alone.

Several ideas passed through his head about his free-write article, but none had a substantial foundation to it that he could build off of. It wasn’t until about 10:30 that something happened that gave him an idea.

On the side of the road, opposite from Castiel, was an obviously homeless man and his young daughter. The cardboard sign that was leaning against his outstretched leg read ‘HOMELESS, HUNGRY, SICK. CHANGE AND PRAYERS PLEASE’. It was heartbreaking. The girl wore tattered jeans and a tanktop and was shivering. Castiel was in the midst of walking towards them with his wallet when a tall and bulky man came up to them from the shadows. His own clothes were slightly dirty and his jeans and boots had holes. Castiel noticed a backpack hanging off of one shoulder. The standing man knelt down and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. He jumped and Castiel heard a quick exchange of words.

“Please, don’t hurt us.”

“I won’t. i came to give some help. You and your daughter, are you sick?”

“She is. It gets so cold out here and there is no place for us to go.”

“Well, I had a friend tell me once that it doesn’t matter who you are, you deserve to be remembered. I don’t have much either. I take care of my little brother since our dad left, but i have a $20 for you.” The kneeling man opened his backpack and pulled out his wallet… it was one on a chain. he handed the homeless man the money and reached for something else inside of his bag. He pulled out a tee-shirt. “And this is for your daughter. She looks very cold.” The homeless man sat stunned, holding the money and shirt in his hands. As the kneeling man got to his feet and started walking away, the homeless man called out to him, standing as well.

“Wait. Thank you son. you have a golden heart. Tell me, how old are you?” The man from the shadows was several inches taller than the homeless man.

“i am 17. And i know what it is like to lose everything. Goodnight.” The taller man walked away then, nodding to another passerby as they made their way past. Castiel started to follow the man- teenager as he was surprised to learn. But before Castiel had a chance to get the guys attention, he had ducked into a darkened alleyway, and Castiel wasn’t about to follow some guy who looked bigger than him into a dark place like that…

So turning away from the alley he started to make his way down the sidewalk. Just as he was about to turn the corner, his shadow was projected to the ground, lit from a warm yellow light from behind. Looking back at the direction he just came from, he saw the front panes of some sort of shop illuminated- a little oddly enough, it was a shop close to the alley where the guy had disappeared to. backtracking just enough to see inside, Castiel’s eyes widened.

Heavy red velvet curtains framed the windows from which the honey-gold light was pouring. And inside was the library from Beauty and the Beast. Ok, not exactly like it but close enough that his heart jumped to his throat. Row upon row, shelf upon shelf, books were overflowing the allotted space into teetering piles on the floor and where the shelves didn’t quite reach the ceiling. There were even a few ladders scattered around to reach the top shelves. There were several chairs surrounding even fewer tables, and none of them matched. And there, sitting in one of the chairs was the guy from earlier. He had one foot up on the table, the other wrapped around the leg of the chair. There was a book in his hands, propped up on the foot on the table, his head was resting against the inside of his knee. And that’s where his freeform article hit him- The Perks of A Good Book.

To make sure that he didn’t lose his motivation, he dug through his satchel to find his camera. Eventually finding it, he put it to his eye, focused the lense, and- CLICK! The flash was on and it startled both himself and the guy inside of the book store. He snapped his head up in surprise and Castiel stopped breathing. he had short, brown hair that was a little spikey, like a hedgehog- and he had those large expressive eyes that were the most beautiful shade of green, and were framed by large black lenses that sat near the edge of his nose. And for a split second the boy looked very familiar as they both stayed still, trying to process the past moment… but how was he familiar? He wasn’t sure. What he was sure about however was that the guy inside just stood up and pulled a knife from his jacket pocket.

“Oh shit- sorry!” He half yelled to the guy inside before taking off at a dead run back towards the hotel. He got within a block of the hotel before having to stop and catch his breath. After standing there for a minute or so, a hand grabbed his shoulder. Whipping around and yelping in fear, he expected to find the guy from the bookstore. What he didn’t expect, and nearly had a heart attack because of it, was Ezra behind him, holding a box of pizza.

“Dude, are you ok? You look like you just saw a ghost. Do you need my inhaler?” Castiel finally caught enough of his breath to respond.

“Thanks, but I don’t need your inhaler. And I figured out what my piece is going to be on I wanted to get to the hotel before I lost my motivation.” Ezra still didn’t look convinced at the fact that Castiel was still clutching his chest, but he removed his hand from Castiel’s shoulder, trusting him.

“Well alright. Let’s get back then.” Castiel nodded in agreement and the two of them went back to the hotel. Castiel only looked over his shoulder twice, and both times he thought he saw a shadow slink back into the darkness.

*************************************************************************

The next day passed fairly quickly, especially since he had his topic already figured out. Library time was easy enough, he asked the librarians for quotes on why they thought that reading was a good thing. And the playhouse that night was amazing- although he felt that he got more compliments on his formal attire and spit shined shoes than the play itself. But that wasn’t a completely bad thing. He had one of the other students take a picture of him before the sun went down. This would be the picture that he planned to mail to Dean.

Dean, the only name that tasted good on his lips right now- and that was also partially because the guy from the library the night before wouldn’t get out of his head. But that couldn’t have been him… Dean doesn’t read, and certainly not with glasses. Nor did Dean seem the type to carry a pocket knife around.

But that picture was enrapturing to him. He loved the contrast of colors, how this rough-and-tumble looking guy would be in such a protected body position and be in such a beautiful place. Even if he couldn’t use this picture because it wasn’t by permission that he had acquired it, he knew that he would be keeping this photo just because of how beautiful it was.

But the following day was what really sent electricity through his veins- the demolition derby. He hadn’t ever been to one before.

“Hey, Hester, what are you wearing to this thing?”

“Becca, I don’t even know what we are supposed to wear. I didn’t bring anything comfy- only slacks and nice shit for the newspaper things.”

“Ezra, what are you wearing?”

“Don’t drag me into your fashion shit, Rebecca. I brought a pair of jeans. That’s it.”

“Oh, ok.” Castiel rolled his eyes at the others. They were so engrossed in the process of getting there that they hadn’t realized that time was slipping away from them. He snorted a laugh when Naomi called that they were leaving in ten minutes and the girls shrieked. It was a little pathetic, but also kind of funny. After all, there would be a ton of cute cowboys at this kind of thing… right? At least that’s what Castiel was hoping for. He had his jeans and his hiking boots, all laced up and everything. He had stuffed a white and blue plaid shirt into his suitcase last minute and now it hung open over a grey tee shirt. He hadn’t bothered to shave- the stubble was nice.

“Hey Cas- you look good- can you help me pick out what to wear?” Hester’s dark head snuck into his doorway. She already had her makeup on and her hair done, but she was standing with her body hidden. As he tried to look at what she was wearing, she ducked her head as the door opened to reveal a pinstripe skirt and a red top.

“Ok, this is the one and only time that I am ever helping anyone- mainly females- on how to dress. So don’t be passing this exchange on to anybody except ourselves. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She smiled brightly at him and they walked into her and Rebecca’s room. He sighed and went to work. A few minutes later and Naomi stuck her head into the room.

“Come on guys, into the van. The Demo Derby starts in half an hour. Let’s get a move on. You are welcome to bring your work stuff and cameras with you. While this is fun and games, inspiration can be found anywhere.” She left the door open as she went to get the other boys.

They all piled into the van, everyone looking semi relaxed, and they headed off to the fairgrounds. It was a short ride, and parking wasn’t that hard to find, but stepping out into dirt and literal shit, he was glad that he had his boots on. He smirked at their grimaces as they walked but said nothing.

The fair was amazing to look at. Since it was still light out, they hadn’t lit anything up yet, but the smells and the sights were overwhelming to his senses. He raised his camera to his eye and snapped a few shots of people. He had gotten really good at photos after taking pictures of stars for so long, and learning how to focus in on them. Children screamed in joy when they got the balloons popped, and in fear when the Tower of Doom fell, it’s gears grinding and whirring away. Something that looked like a giant octopus spun and waved its arms about, and the booths all dinged and chimed at random intervals. A small group of young kids, maybe ten, rushed past the journalists and the respective adults. They carried Cotton Candy, and Castiel spotted an older man happily munching away on the largest Turkey Leg that he had ever seen. Not to mention these weird spiral bread things that were covered in powdered sugar… wow they smelled good.

“Hey, earth to Castiel! We got the tickets, let’s go find a seat.” Balthazar waved the ticket in front of Castiel, drawing his attention away from the booth that was currently selling children’s toys- he was looking at the Chinese Finger Traps.

“Oh, hey thanks. Yeah, it should be starting soon.” They made their way into the grandstand, and found a set of seats about halfway up, with an excellent view of the dirt arena. The arena itself was outside, but the grandstand had a large metal roof over top of the seats, so the sun was mostly blocked out from their eyes. The announcer had just started mumbling things into the microphone when Naomi showed up, holding a few pairs of earplugs out in her hand.

“It gets really loud, and if you aren’t used to it, it can be really harsh. Enjoy the show kids.” She returned to her seat a little farther up the grandstand and let Castiel and Balthazar alone to watch. They put the earplugs in when the first engine revved up in the background. Castiel leaned forward in anticipation as the first car entered the arena. It was completely destroyed, with the hood and trunk smashed in,and was spray painted with red and yellow stripes. A little tag on the top of the car boasted a large '97'. The next one to come in was just as destroyed, but this one was painted bright purple. It was number '18b'. An orange 333, a red 71, and a black 666 came rolling in.

"What are the rules to this?" Castiel turned to Balthazar as the cars were circling each other, but the other boy just ended up shrugging and motioning to the cars which had now stilled. Castiel turned back just in time to see the firefighters that were positioned around the edge of the ring raise and wave their green flags. Castiel was very glad that he had earplugs. The roar of all of the engines together was deafening, and he gave kudos to those that weren’t wearing any earplugs. There were even kids younger than he was that didn’t have any. He eventually learned that each round was called a “heat”, and that after each heat a winner is declared.

Six more heats went by, and the sun had set low enough that he couldn’t see out past the brightly lit arena. The announcer called the final heat in, the winners of the previous rounds, in a match for the overall winner of the derby, and the top three who would be going home with money. Castiel pulled his earplugs out, not wanting to miss a single moment of what the announcer was saying. He introduced the cars into the arena, from the last heats winner to the first one’s.

“Alright ladies and gentle-folk, here are the winners of the heats. The last heat was yellow car 80R4. Then we have blue 69. Here is last years grand champion, F555, the kind of pink one. This is green 01, and then we have the purple d1n0, and yes folks, that was the number assigned to the car when it was registered. Into the arena next is the other yellow-gold one, 72. Then the winner of heat one, the black 666. Here we go, they are all in… and they are off!” The announcer's voice cut out from the drone of the engines. The kicked the dust up under their tires. And for Castiel, the heat ended all too quickly, what with two of the cars catching on fire, and another losing two tires.

“Alright! That’s the heat! Now this has to be one of my favorite heats I have ever seen, because we have two senior drivers, and one senior in high school driving. Alright- third place goes to… The Purple Dino; Chase Weathers!” A massive cheer went up through the stands as the man crawled out from his car and waved to the crowd. He took off his helmet to nod at everyone and accept the medal of third place. “Second place is one of the senior drivers, last years grand champion, F555; this is Jacoby Gail!” Another massive roar went through the crowd as he too climbed out and stood next to his car. he shook hands with Chase and was handed his own small trophy in recognition.

“Now, the guy who won first place, he’s my favorite. You see, this guy not only makes money by fixing cars as a mechanic, working for his uncle, but he makes money destroying cars in Demo Derbys. And then he makes money selling the parts he can’t use out of his uncle’s scrap yard. This kid has it made-” The stands were already cheering as the guy from the black 666 climbed out of his car, and instead of going to the ground, he climbed all the way up to the roof of his car. “That’s right ladies and gentleman, our very own homegrown, Dean Winchester!” Castiel’s jaw dropped as- Dean- took off his helmet and waved to the crowd, a massive grin spread across his face. Castiel didn’t register the way that the people around him stood and cheered for Dean, he didn’t see the way that Balthazar looked down at him and realized what had just happened. What he did see was a little dark haired girl dart out from the crowds, tight jeans on her skinny legs, her black hair flowing, and the way that she climbed up next to Dean on the car, and he pulled her into his arms and gave her a nice big kiss on her ruby red lips.

Castiel didn’t move as everyone around him started to leave. That was his Dean… He didn’t move until Balthazar shook his shoulder, gaining his attention.

“What? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” Castiel looked up into Balthazar’s light blue eyes as he stood above him.

“I said that if we leave now, we might be able to meet some of the racers. I bet you would like that.” His smile was warm and comforting and Castiel looked down at the nearly empty arena before taking Balthazar’s outstretched hand.

“Yes please.” Together they made their way out of the grandstands and into the flood of people. They headed straight for the derby racers towards the back of the lot. They walked close, Castiel leaning on Balth for support because of fear and nerves. And there is was, the black 666. And there he was- Dean Winchester, sitting on the hood of his destroyed car. In almost slow motion, the crowd parted between them.

“Dean.” The name fell from his lips in almost a whisper, yet they echoed when they hit the ground, and his Dean looked up. And those green eyes, that dark hair, that surprised look- Castiel already had it memorized. Those were the same emerald eyes from the picture the other night, and from the only true picture he had of Dean, the one of him in front of the Roadhouse. Dean’s own mouth hung slack as he saw who was in front of him. And green met blue for the first time. The air was thick with excitement and anticipation. Dean stood from the car, slowly, carefully, and they each took a step towards the other.


	13. You're My Castiel...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang... I cranked this one out like no other! So again, it's not edited but I am sure that you can forgive me, considering jut how quickly that I wrote this next part. I guess I really like ending on cliff hangers, because that's what I did again. Well, I hope that y'all enjoy!

The final groan of the engine died down, and the silence that had ceased to exist for a few minutes came rushing back, a flood that swept him away. With both hands still on the steering wheel, he held his breath as he listened to Paul, the announcer.

“Alright! That’s the heat! Now this has to be one of my favorite heats I have ever seen, because we have two senior drivers, and one senior in high school driving. Alright- third place goes to… The Purple Dino; Chase Weathers!” He mentally applauded the man, he had fought a fair but dirty race. The vibrations of the crowd soared through him. Chase would receive $5,000 in third place prize winnings.

“Congrats Chase, we can drink later to your victory.” He mumbled under his breath, and the heat rose up inside of his helmet. He shook his head to clear out the little bit of fog. But that’s what he got for using an old helmet in this race, poor ventilation.

“Second place is one of the senior drivers, last years grand champion, F555; this is Jacoby Gail!” Dean nodded in agreement that he was placed accordingly. He watched through the non-existent windshield as the two men shook hands. The voices didn’t carry, nor should they even be heard since he still had his earplugs in. He had to remember to give his thanks to Jacoby for reminding him about tire balance and how it changes in thicker dirt like the arena had today. He would be getting $10,000 in prize money.

“Now, the guy who won first place, he’s my favorite. You see, this guy not only makes money by fixing cars as a mechanic, working for his uncle, but he makes money destroying cars in Demo Derbys.” Shit, that was him. “And then he makes money selling the parts he can’t use out of his uncle’s scrap yard. This kid has it made-” Paul's voice was drowned out as he unclipped his restraints and climbed through the driver's side window frame to get on top of his car. Still with his helmet on he threw his fists into the air, yelling inside of his helmet for joy at having just won $15,000 in prize money, and a substantially sized trophy to go alongside the others. The idea’s of where this money was going to go were already flooding his mind. _Rent, I can pay rent. And my water bill… I can send Sam to summer camp. I can get us real food- Lisa?_ He removed his helmet and tucked it under one arm, his other reaching down to scoop up Lisa and help her up onto the hood of his prize winning car.

“Dean, you won!” She grabbed at the collar of his racing gear, pulling him in for a long, hard kiss. Her red lips would leave a stain on his. And when she finally let him go he pulled back from her a little bit. He was hoping for a hug, not one of her kisses.

“Lisa, what are you doing here? I thought that you went to Vegas with your family.” he wiped at the beads of sweat on his brow with the back of his arm.

“Silly! Dad is going to let me fly down there on my own tonight. My flight leaves in two hours, so I have to kiss and run. But I was not going to miss you getting qualified for next year’s run. I wanted to see you win.”

“See me win? Lisa, I told you a week ago, I am not in a relationship with you. Or with anyone. Stop forcing yourself upon me.”

“Upon? Well, ok. Just remember that you owe me a few hundred bucks for prom.” She hopped off of the car, dark hair swinging as she stalked away. He called after her.

“I didn’t even want to go! That was your dad’s money!” But to no avail did his words reach her, and she walked out of the fairgrounds, and away from his sad look. But he had no time to think about any of her antics, the tractors were in the arena clearing away the cars. He had ended up popping a tire and blowing something in his engine. So it still ran, but he was pretty sure that his steering was shot. He climbed back into the cab of his precious car, Baby 2.0 he called her, and let the tractor give him the initial push to get out of the arena. Once he was moving he was able to drive her all the way back to his pit, parking her fairly decently.

He climbed out of her once again, but this time landed on the ground, not on the roof of his car. Placing his helmet in her back seat, he stripped his racing jumper off and placed it with the helmet. Standing in only his boxers and a tee shirt, he shimmied into the jeans that were laying on his cooler, and grabbed his goodluck charm from the center console of Baby 2.0. He had put in a fortified steel case where the center console was and given it massive hinges and an even bigger lock. Covering it with insulation and leather, he had a pretty nice rig set up to take care of a necklace that his little brother had given him all those years ago. He wondered if he had ever told Cas about Sammy getting him this necklace as he slipped it over his head.

He walked around to the front of his car and sat on the side that was nearly parallel with the ground… it made a good bench after a hard race. He had just pulled the earplugs from his ears when he heard the faintest whisper of his name. He turned his head to the left and saw the creep from the other night standing and staring at him. Like in one of those cheesy romance movies that Lisa always liked to watch, the crowd parted between them, and the guy stepped away from his friend, lips parted, eyes wide. He couldn’t see what he truly looked like because of the shadows that were thrown on his face, but he knew that this was the dude who had followed him and taken a picture of him, and then ran off. Trying not to make any sudden movements, he stood from his car, and took a step towards him. Then another. And another. They grew faster and as he approached the (not as short as he thought he was) guy, reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his knife, flipping it open.

“You! You’re the creep who stalked me! What the hell dude?” The other guy was just about as tall as him, which was an accomplishment considering that he was six foot one. But he didn’t move, just stood there with his jaw hanging open… it made him look really stupid. “Are you not going to do anything, or explain yourself as to why you fucking followed me and then fucking took a picture of me and then fucking took off? What the hell asshole?” But his mind went blank when the other guy took one last step towards him and let the light pool on his face. Those were the most intense blue eyes he had ever seen, and why did he recognize them?

“Dean. Dean Winchester.” The name fell from those plush lips like a prayer, and he stood stunned. The other guy reached into the top of his shirt, _what the hell?_ , and pulled out a thick black leather cord. Dangling off the well worn cord was a little wooden token. He held the token out to him on an outstretched hand, and Dean cautiously leaned a little farther in and grabbed it. Still warily keeping an eye on the creep, he held the token up into the light, and his knife dropped to the ground.

“No- I gave this to- no-” His eyes danced from the token to the- to him, and back again. Those lips that once hung open now spread wide into a smile that was far more broken than it needed to be for a guy like him. Both sets of eyes watered as the token was caressed in his calloused hands, clutched to his chest like a lifeline. “Cas.” There was still a decent amount of space between the two, but it was gone in an instant as the two boys, these two little Elementary school pen pals, rushed into the others arms.There they stood, clinging to the other in an embrace that made others who were milling about look away.

“I found you. Dean, I found you.” Hot breath trickled down his back but he didn’t care, this was his Castiel.

“Castiel. Oh my God, Castiel. I got your last letter but didn’t have time to reply. I didn’t know that you were going to be here. Castiel.” A few hoots and hollers went up from some of the other racers in the back lot, as the two had yet to let go from their embrace. Castiel smelled like honey, and a little bit of dirt, and like a motel, but he smelled like Castiel. He smelled like how a best friend should smell. And here he was, in the flesh, wearing a plaid shirt and jeans and wearing a smile that looked like it hurt it was so big. He felt two drops of hot wet on his shoulder, and realized that Castiel was crying. But that’s ok, because at the same moment a single tear leaked from his own eye and landed on Castiel’s back. They stood for a moment longer before pulling away. Castiel tried to hide that he wiped a tear from his eye, but he laughed as he looked at Dean.

“You’re taller than I imagined you would be.” He let out a soft chuckle, and Dean did the same.

“I could say the same for you, Cas. You- you’re really here. I really just hugged you.”

“I really just hugged you, too!” They each let out another huff of a laugh and dried their eyes completely. “You dropped your knife. You should get that before some steps on it.” Castiel motioned to the ground and Dean was amazed by his long fingers and arms. He wasn’t strong looking, but he was wiry, the way that he had gripped him tight was enough to tell. Dean nodded and bent to pick it up, conscious of how his knees popped a little bit on the way down. But that tends to happen when-

“You’re bowlegged.” Dean looked back up to Castiel as he wiped the blade on his jean’s, cleaning off the dirt that had been lodged in the joint.

“Yeah. You have long fingers.” He stood back up, closed his blade, and stuck it back into his back pocket.

“Yeah.” They just kind of stopped and stared at each other for a second, seemingly memorizing each little detail that they could of the other. They startled when someone from behind cleared their throat.

“Hey, sorry to break up this little eye-sex party or whatever is going on, but I am Balthazar, Castiel’s classmate and science partner.” He extended a hand between the two of them, and Dean, apparently being a gentleman, took it quickly before returning to face Castiel. They ignored the way that Balthazar rolled his ice blue eyes and walked away. The two of them stood another moment longer before another guy walked up behind Dean and offered him a beer.

“Hey, Dean, who is this kid?” Castiel looked at the newcomer and eyed the jean vest with no sleeves, the out-of-control mullet hair, and the three cans of beer he had in his hands. Dean turned to look at him and offered a small, disgusted smile.

“Ash, you know I hate canned beer. You can have all of that. And this,” he turned back to Castiel whose eyes had grown wide in recognition, “is Castiel Novak. Cas, this is one of my best pals, Ash. I’m sure you remember him from the letters.” Ash got a very surprised look on his face at that.

“What? You mentioned me and didn’t mention to me that I was mentioned? Rude.” At that he retracted the hand that was offering a beer to Dean and opened it, and drank it on one gulp.

“That was impressive.” Castiel motioned to the now empty can that Ash was about to crush on his thigh.

“Thanks Cas. Say, is it true that Dean sent you a bird a while back? Because I loved that bird… he was pretty cool.”

“Yeah. It was a Blue Jay. I still have him actually. Over the years he has lost his legs but other than that, he’s doing well. Did you help Dean pick it out or something? if you did, I would like to thank you for the gift.” Dean looked over at Castiel, and was amazed by the sincere politeness that he was showing to this random kid, who was obviously underage, chug a beer in just a few seconds.

“I did actually. He spent the entire day looking for something to give you. I thought it was going to be your birthday or something, but oh well. Hey Dean, I came over here to tell you that Bobby showed up. He’s looking for a spare fan and fan belt. The one that he had shot on the way down. Also his radiator is kind of screwed up, and he doesn’t have any tools with him. That’s what he gets for bringing the Soccer-Mom Van.” Ash nodded a quick goodbye to Castiel and patted Dean on the arm before walking away. Dean turned back to Castiel and was slightly shocked to see him- well, shocked.

“What?”

“Bobby? As in, your uncle Bobby who pretty much raised you?” Dean shyly nodded and his own smile grew as the one on Castiel’s face pretty much exploded.

“Would you like to meet him? He’s a little gruff on the outside, but really he’s a big teddy bear.” Dean paused for half a second, and then continued. “But don’t tell him I told you that. He likes having the rough reputation as a hard assed son of a bitch. Uh, sorry for the language.” He quickly added as he noticed Castiel shy away from the harsh words. But he waved it off with those amazingly long fingers of his.

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s how you talk, so it’s ok. But yes please, I would love to meet him.” Castiel nodded in excitement and Dean reached out to take his friend’s hand, but stopped himself. This wasn’t a shit-show romantic piece of shit. This was real life, and this was the real Castiel Novak to whom he had been speaking with for just under a decade. He would not hold his hand. So with his outstretched hand he patted Castiel on the shoulder. He turned and started walking, fully aware that his face was slightly pink and that his ears were hot. _That was smooth, Winchester._

They made their way across the field of derby cars and landed up back behind them where the pit crews and drivers cars were. The cars that weren’t destroyed. Dean could hear Bobby before he could see him. “You plasted hunk of plastic. I ought to have thrown you out a half decade ago- that is not beer, Ash, that is piss in a can. Get that out of my face. Does anyone have a 9/16 socket wrench?”

“I do Bobby. In back of Baby.” The old fart hit his head on the hood of the van as he was startled by his voice. He rubbed at the top of his head, over his hat, and proceeded to mumble a few choice words that Castiel would have truly cringed at. Speaking of, where was he? He turned in a complete circle to figure out where the kid had gone before hearing something off behind an old Chevy.

“See, I told you.”

“Shut up, hold him still.”

“Um, that’s mine.” Dean’s voice startled the two men who had cornered poor Castiel up against the side of the Chevy truck. He had the height advantage, and the muscle advantage, and he was pretty sure he even had the smarts advantage on these two bozos. He motioned to Castiel who was doing his best to keep his head up, and keep the blood from dripping onto his shirt from where it dripped out of his nose. The two men looked at each other, and then back at the younger man. Granted that these guys were maybe only 22, 23, they didn’t look that much older than Dean. The one with the blond hair spoke up first.

“Look man, we were just having a little bit of fun.”

“Yeah, we saw this kid a few nights ago and we followed him for a few blocks, but then he met up with a buddy so we gave up the chase. But here he is now. We just wanted to scare him a little bit.”

“Yeah, just scare him.” The large, dark haired one echoed the more lithe blond. Hard head couldn’t even think for himself, the poor thing.

“Well, scaring doesn’t lead to a bloody nose. Now back off.” He didn’t even have to do anything for the guys to back away like the cowards they were. Dean stepped up to Castiel, offering him a hand. There was no weirdness as Castiel took it and was lead away from the darkened corner of the lot. They made their way back to Bobby, hands having dropped after Dean was sure that Castiel was alright, and found him digging through the red tool kit that Dean kept in the back of his car.

“There you are ya idjit. Come grab this oil line and hold it out of the way for m- who’s that you got with ya?” Bobby was looking over the tool kit, his dark eyes all seeing to everything going on around him. He looked straight at Castiel, unsure of the kid who had a dirty rag pressed up against his nose. Dean had to admit, following his Uncle’s gaze, that Castiel did look out of place. He jean’s were too clean, his shirt too new, his boots too un-scuffed. But he didn’t care.

“Bobby, do you remember way back when I was about 9, we got pen-pals in third grade. And the one I had, dad wouldn’t let me write very much or anything, so I had the letters sent to your place and Ellen’s place and stuff?” Bobby nodded, still curious as to what was going on. “Well, this is my pen-pal. He’s down for a school trip.” He motioned to Castiel, who was now just dabbing at his nose a little bit.

"What did you do to the kid?" Bobby didn't even acknowledge Castiel other than 'the kid', and even thought that irked Dean to the fullest extent, he had to answer his uncle.

"Couple of drunk guy thought he was pretty. They didn't do anything though." He rubbed at the back of his neck as he explained- that habit needed to go away. Bobby nodded in understanding and stood up from the toolbox, wiping his hands on his jeans. He extended one slightly black hand to Castiel who took it quickly.

"It's a pleasure to meet you sir. The honor is all mine. I have heard so much about you." They parted hands pretty quickly and Castiel continued to smile. Bobby's gruff look didn't change as he looked from Castiel to Dean.

"I like this kid, he has manners. Keep him around." He turned back to the tool box, grabbed a wrench and an old rag and sucked into the hood of the car. Dean let the heat escape from his face from the compliment of Castiel being good before turning back to said good person.

“So, uh, Bobby likes you. I think you can stick around.” A shy smile escaped from the corner of his lips and Castiel grinned in recognition as to what just happened. But Dean watched as that smile began to falter in luminance. “What’s up?”

“I go home tomorrow, in the morning. And it’s already late. How can we catch up on so much in so little time?” Those big blue eyes of his cast themselves to the ground, and Dean was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth to speak but Bobby beat him to it.

“Boy, I can take care of your car. Take my wallet, there’s about forty bucks in there, and go have a nice night.” Dean turned towards the man who he had once called dad (that only lasted about three weeks), and his jaw dropped.

“Really?” He couldn’t believe it. Bobby was one of the stingiest people he knew, and that says a lot considering that John Winchester was his father. So for him to offer the cash in his wallet, Dean didn’t know how to respond. Of course, he didn’t show any emotion to the proposition because he was a man- but this was fucking awesome.

“Yeah, I mean it boy. You two need to catch up and we ain’t got all night. Now scram, before I change my mind.” Bobby went back under the hood of his car and Dean took the opportunity to nail him with a quick hug before reaching inside of the car to grab the man’s wallet, pulling out two twenties.

“Thanks!” He called over his shoulder as he turned to walk with Castiel. They ended up finding the Turkey Leg place and got a massive leg to share. They wandered around the fair for a little bit, trying to find an empty picnic table. They finally found one by the ferris wheel and sat down. A part of the turkey leg was already gone, their fingers greasy from the hot meat.

“So, remind me again of why you are even in Kansas?”

“I’m here with my journalism class. My teacher has friends down here in the newspaper so we got to go to a printing press, and go to the newspaper and shadow a reporter for a few hours. We essentially came down here to do a research report while learning how to report and about what goes into the processes of creating an effectively sound news article.” Dean sat back, fully aware of just how smart this kid was. He had been holding back in his letters.

“That’s pretty awesome. I didn’t realize that you were so into the whole, journalism thing. Well, you did get to go to Germany to Auschwitz-”

“Poland. That particular concentration camp was, is, located in southern Poland. But I don’t need to explain that to you. Apologies. Please, continue.” Castiel ripped off another chunk of meat and started to nibble on it.

“It’s fine. But I know that you got to go there and write that paper. Why journalism though? I never asked you why you didn’t follow your heart to become an asto-astronic- uh, stargazer. Why switch into an indoor career?” Castiel sucked at some juice on his thumb before answering.

“Well, I still love the stars. I’ve taken several astronomy classes over the years, and even managed to get into a college level course for it. But I figured out that I was really good at reading, and writing. I could read fast, comprehend what I was reading, and then I was able to fully articulate the premise of the composition in such a way that everyone around me would be able to see it the way that I do. I learned that I am really good at writing. I was eventually told by my freshman year journalism teacher, to whom i still have contact, that the way that I write is very personalized… like i am talking to a friend. And that’s when it hit me. I learned to write so well because of you.” They locked eyes for a moment before Castiel took a breath and continued. “I learned to write so well because of our letters, because of our constant talking, because of the fact that we never gave up on each other just because our home lives were shit. you writing to me gave me the opportunity to become a better writer, and I took that opportunity and ran with it. And now here we are. And that leads me into my question… since when have you been into Demolition Derby’s?” Castiel finished his small rant, and the way that he was able to transition so effortlessly from one subject to another slightly started Dean, but he caught up quickly.

“Uh, a few months ago. Back when Bobby came back to Lawrence, you know, after that year or two up in South Dakota, he let me start working. I started with just doing oil changes and then I learned how to stabilize the engine mount, and how to fix the steering components, and my love for cars grew. Then he added a junk yard to the back of his shop and started selling off extra parts, and cars that he couldn’t fix and people wouldn’t buy. So I got into the junk business and the mechanic business.

“And about six months ago, we had this guy come into the shop. He’s an old racing legend, Vic Hendrickson. Now, I was in total awe that he was in our little shop, and he had with him an old Chrysler Imperial, and he said he wanted it made into a demo derby car. He was tired of racing on tracks, at least that’s what he told us. So, we hollowed it out, put in steel reinforcements, tripled the size of the roll bar over the top of the car, and sent him on his way with power brakes.Turns out that he, and both my uncle and I, are the reason that Chrysler’s are now banned from the derby ring because it was too indestructible.

“We were now referenced for other drivers, and they came to us to make their cars better for the ring. And, after a month of making car after car a winning one at the derby, Bobby told me that it was my time to race. So we got me a good little Ford LTD Crown Victoria. We gutted that thing and made her so badass that we were told that we had to get a more destructible car for the next race. We smoked the legends and turned them into dust.

“I got better, the cars got better, and in less than three months i had made over sixty grand in prizes. Today was my biggest win ever.” Again they locked eyes and shared a smile.

“Well, that’s awesome! Good for you! do you know what you are going to do with the prize money? Maybe get a new car to destroy?” Dean huffed out a laugh, causing Castiel’s well meaning smile to fall.

“Yeah, no. I’ve got to pay rent, and pay for my water bill, and turn the heat back on because it’s still kind of cold down here and Sammy got sick. So, I have to pay for some meds for him, and then maybe get him some new clothes, the child grows so fast. And then I have to make sure that I put a decent chunk into his college bank account- sorry. This is boring. I have a lot of things to get before I can even think about a new car. But we will be set for a little while.” Dean looked away from those piercing blue eyes, which for a second flashed purple from the lights of the ride behind them.

“No, I get it. You have a lot on your mind. How is Sam doing? I haven’t heard that much about him lately. Is he OK?”

“Yeah, he’s doing well. He’s looking into colleges already. Did I ever tell you that he saw To Kill A Mockingbird and instantly wanted to become a lawyer?” Castiel shook his head no. “Well, he did. He saw the dad get all badass in the courtroom and fell in love. Shit, if I didn’t know any better I would have thought that he had a crush on him. Not that that’s a bad thing, but that guy is dead now… so, eww.”

“That would be considered necrophilia.” Castiel jumped in quickly, and then shut his mouth quickly when he realized that he had cut off Dean again. “I am sorry, I keep cutting you off. That is rude of me.”

“No, it’s fine. I actually really like seeing you get all excited over this stuff. It’s… refreshing.” Dean let a small smile escape as Castiel ducked his head, hiding his own grin. Dean took the moment to wonder if Castiel had ever had anyone say that it’s OK for him to rant about things that he likes… he wasn’t sure with the way that he stopped himself so often and apologized for knowing so much about things. When Castiel raised his head again, he started talking.

“It’s rare for anyone to accept my peculiarity so easily. I’m afraid that you happen to be one of the only others from outside my journalism class who doesn’t scorn or shun me for my behaviors and actions. I appreciate that, and I thank you for your acceptance.” Dean nodded in reply, unsure of what to say to something like that. So he just cleared his throat.

“Uh, so why were you taking a picture of me the other night? It was a little creepy and i would like to know why.” He picked at the turkey leg which had sufficiently been eaten to the bone. Grease stained his fingers and he wiped them on his jeans, aware that Castiel was watching.

“I was trying ot find ideas for my research project. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do so I was walking around. Then I saw the interaction between you, but I didn’t know it was you, and the homeless guy and his daughter. And I thought that it was interesting how such a strong looking guy who obviously had some troubles of his own, would take the time out of his day, the money from his wallet, and the shirt from his backpack, and give it to people that he, I assumed, didn’t know. And then I saw you in the bookshop with your leg on the table and your reading glasses on- you wear reading glasses?” Castiel waited until Dean nodded, and then resumed. “Well i saw you and it came to me… reading is fundamental to all aspects to society, but how can it affect our immediate behaviors? So that’s what my research project has been about. The benefits of reading, and how it can affect your mental health and your mental stability, all the while increasing our IQ and giving you reason to learn, and also providing a safe place for people who have nowhere else safe to go.” Dean watched as Castiel’s voice trailed off at the end a little bit, but he wasn’t concerned for that fact, because it wasn’t him that he was looking at when he finished the sentence. Dean turned to look behind him at who Castiel was looking at-

“Castiel Novak, you didn’t show up for when the van was supposed to leave. Do you know how worried we all were? And when Balthazar told us that you had run off with some guy- I thought that you were dead!” She wore jeans that hugged long legs, and a suit jacket that had a little bit of dirt on it. Her dark hair was tied in a bun at the base of her neck, and her dark eyes were close enough to shooting lasers that Dean was afraid for Castiel. She stalked over to the table, turning her back on Dean as best he could.

“Look, ma’am,” he stood from the table and saw that he was quite a bit taller than her. “I’ve known Castiel for nearly a decade now, so I’m not just ‘some guy’ as his friend said. I just wanted to catch up with him.” The woman, supposedly Castiel’s teacher, turned to face him, her face dark. She wa just about to speak when Castiel stood up and put himself between them.

“Naomi, do you remember me telling you about how I’ve had a penpal for the past nine years? This is him… this is Dean Winchester.” As she realized what Castiel had just said, her gaze softened.

“So I have you to thank for my Castiel becoming the top writer in the school?” She tilted her head a little bit to the side.

“Yeah, I suppose so. And, I’ll let him go if you need, but I can also give him a ride back to the motel that y’all are staying in if need be. I have my car here, and I am legal to drive. I’m 18 now, so I can take him.” Naomi looked between the two of them, looked at how Dean already cared so much for her charge, and how Castiel’s face lit up when Dean said that he would drive him back to the motel. “I just want to get to know him.” Naomi took a moment to consider the situation, and finally she nodded her head.

“i want him back before midnight, because that’s when I am going to be passing out. So you have a few hours to talk and catch up.” She turned to Castiel who was already beaming. “Be safe, and you have my number, right?”

“Yeah, yeah I do. Thank you so much Naomi!” He wrapped her in a hug and she was too stunned to hug back. When he finally let go, Dean watched as Naomi nodded again, and walked away from the two six foot tall boys that had somehow managed to stand side by side. Castiel was still grinning when he turned to Dean. “So who was that girl that you kissed?”


	14. Dirt Roads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Am. SOO. Mean.
> 
> I'm sorry for the ending.

Castiel let his grin spread wider as he watched Dean flounder a little bit at the proposed question that still hung in the air. And he actually chuckled as he saw Dean’s ears turn pink.

“How about we walk and talk? We finished the turkey leg, let’s go find something to do.” Dean made the offer quickly and proceeded to scoop up the discarded bone from the table. Castiel followed Dean as he made his way to a trashcan, depositing the bone within.

“The question still stands Dean. I want to know who that girl was… she was pretty cute.” They made their way from the ferris wheel and started towards the booths. Dean shoved his hands into his pockets, but pulled them out quickly, holding the wooden token out in front of him.

“Uh, this is yours. Sorry, I completely forgot that I still had it.” But instead of handing it back right away, he took a closer inspection of it. “I remember searching for something that I could get you. Something that went along with a constellation. I searched the library for hours and hours. So when I finally found the Apus story, the bird of the sky, I fell in love. So I went out with Ash, used the money that I had been saving for a few months of washing cars and mowing lawns, and bought that little bird for you. Then I found the wooden token in the arts and crafts section. I brought it home and carved the stars into it with my dad’s pocket knife. I got in so much trouble for taking it without permission. But I still had to put a hole in the top so that I could get the piece of leather through. Dad had taken his knife back so I used a sharp rock, and I didn’t sleep the night before I sent that so that it would have a hole in it.” He ran his thumb over the face of the token before handing it back to Castiel. “And the girl…” Castiel looked up at the way that his voice dropped.

“Her name is Lisa Braeden. She’s a girl that I’ve gone out with a few times. But, I don’t like her. I can’t stand her, actually.” Dean shoved his hands back into his pockets, and Castiel became insanely curious as to why he would just stop right there with the story. But then again, he seemed like the kind of guy that didn’t do therapy sessions that he had done for a few years.

“Why don’t you like her? Is she mean? Does she not like Sam? What happened?” He tried not to push too hard on the topic, but he only had one night with Dean and he wanted every juicy secret that there was to know. They stopped walking by the Mega Slide. A few screams went up as kids went down it on flour sacks. Dean waited until a break in the noise to talk.

“I had her over one night, and we were about to… well… yeah. And as I was brushing my teeth, she thought it was OK to go through my things. She found the letters that you had sent to me. And she sat down and started reading… right from the very beginning. I told her that what she did was an invasion of privacy and that I wanted her out, but she didn’t buy it. She told me that it was ‘cute’ that I had a penpal, and that made me an even better person. But I told her that what she had read was not for anyone other than me, and those who I chose to share it with, and even then that was only Bobby and Ellen.

“What I didn’t know when she left my house, is that she took the first letter. She photocopied it, brought the original back to my house by telling Sam that ‘she had forgot something before’, and then showed me at school the next day the 200 copies that she had made. She told me that if I didn’t break up with her until after prom that she wouldn’t hang them up. So I didn’t. I survived her manipulations and went to prom with her. Of course, being the rich girl that she is, her daddy paid for everything. And the day after prom, I ended it with her. That was about two weeks ago, and she still thinks that we are together. It’s all a little confusing, but I’m getting it worked out.” Castiel was engrossed by the story, positively disgusted by her actions against him.

“That’s terrible, Dean. I wish she hadn’t done that.”

“Yeah, well me too. But the thing is, she did. And she still has all of the letters that she copied, and she still holds them over my head. I ended up telling her that I don’t care anymore, that I had no reason to be embarrassed about writing letters to you, but she told me that she would find a way to get a more personal letter. So I still have to be like, super nice to her, but I don’t have to be worried about the first letter anymore.

“And more than one person knows that I’m bi, but it’s still not really something that I am really comfortable with.” Dean dropped his head and studied his laces. Castiel, suddenly concerned, placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Why aren’t you OK with people knowing who you are? It’s not something to be ashamed of.” Dean looked back up, but his emerald eyes were brimming with tears. He blinked them back as best as he could.”

“Because you were the first person that I told, and you were so accepting about everything that I decided to tell Bobby and Ellen. And Bobby, well, he didn’t take it so well. He took it better then dad would have taken it, but still. And when Ellen found out, she was very concerned about everything else other than me being a quote-en-quote fag. Suddenly my schooling was on the line because teachers would accept me, my health was on the line because of STD’s, my safety was on the line because “people are cruel”. And yeah, the fact that she took it well at all is awesome but she over reacted to much that I don’t want to tell anyone else.” Castiel watched in amazement as Dean talked, mesmerized by his voice and the way that he partially talked with his hands. Having removed his hand from Dean’s shoulder a little bit ago, Castiel took a half step closer to the slightly taller boy.

“Well, I hope you know that no matter what, you will always be awesome and will always be accepted by me.” The smile that Dean gave Castiel was close to heartbreaking. Obviously, love hadn’t been a big part of his life. But that really needed to change, and quite quickly. So instead of letting Dean get all emotional about not being loved and all of that, Castiel pulled him to the nearest booth- darts.

“Hey there boys! The rules are simple, pop three balloons and you get a prize. If you get all the same color ones, you get one of the giant prizes up above. Three bucks for five darts. Come on and play!” The man behind the booth was far too cheery for wearing a horrible interpretation of a clown’s costume. Castiel looked at Dean and they both smiled.

“I’ll go first.” Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out a five, handing it to the guy. He got two dollars back and a small handful of multicolored darts. He ended up hitting only two balloons, one red, one white.

“Well, that was a nice try kid. Maybe next time.” He ended up turning towards Dean with a wicked smirk on his splotchy red face. “How about you? Want to try to win a little teddy bear for your date?” That small comment caused Castiel to spook a little bit, and Dean to puff out his chest like an annoyed lion. Castiel thought he actually heard him growl.

“Give me three darts. Only three.” Dean’s voice had dropped nearly a full octave as he spoke, and the man behind the booth straightened his back in slight fear.

“Whatever kid, I’ll give you three.” Dean handed him a five, got two dollars back and three darts. Dean his own evil smirk on his face, turned to wink at Castiel. Turning back to the board, he threw the first dart- it hit a green balloon, and popped, spilling confetti. The silly grin on the booth man’s face faltered a little bit. Dean threw the second one- it hit a green balloon, and it popped, spilling more confetti. Now the man behind the counter had lost his grin and was near to scowling. Castiel on the other hand could barely contain his excitement for Dean. Speaking of which, Dean threw the third dart… it hit a green balloon, and spilled confetti.

“Confetti! It’s a parade!” Castiel jumped into the air, a massive smile spread on his face. He looked at Dean in awe and saw that he was watching him, a shy grin painted onto his face. Castiel regained control of himself. “What?” Dean just chuckled and turned towards the man behind the booth.

“So, uh, my _date_  gets to choose one of the _big_ prizes, right?” Too tall to lean down onto the booths counter, Dean just dropped a hand into his pocket, the other motioning to Castiel as he spoke. The guy behind the counter, now furious, all but growled out his answer.

“Yes. Your date _does_. What would you like?” He turned his sweaty face to Castiel who looked up at the animals hanging from the top of the booth. There was a large tiger with big green eyes.

“That one.” He pointed to the tiger, which was sitting kind of like a dog sits. The booth guy pulled out a long metal rod and cut the cord from which the tiger was hanging, and caught it mid-air. He handed it to Castiel. The tiger was easily four foot tall, and wider than both he and Dean put together.

“Enjoy your night.” The man spoke through clenched teeth. As the duo turned from the booth, Castiel saw Dean look behind them really quickly, and then sling an arm over his shoulder, pulling him in close.

“We will.” They walked away from the booth, Castiel holding the tiger in his left arm, the right side of his body pressed against Dean’s. They made their way past a few other booths before Dean finally dropped his arm, letting Castiel free. They had stopped outside of a Funnel Cake booth.

“What was that about? The whole arm thing?” Castiel asked him, glancing up to see what was on the menu here. Funnel Cakes, Lemonade, that’s about it. Dean reached into his jacket pocket and produced another ten dollar bill. He walked up to the window, effectively ignoring Castiel, and asked the woman inside for a funnel cake. When he turned back towards Castiel he had an answer on the tip of his tongue. And he was just about to spill the beans when a shrill voice cut into the conversation.

“Dean!” They both jumped a little bit as a slight blonde woman, literally, jumped into Dean’s arms.

“Jo?! What are you doing here? I thought you worked tonight?” Dean put her down- right in between them. Jo shook out her hair and cocked her hip to the side. Why did the name Jo sound so familiar?

“Mom let me off early so that I could get a funnel cake. I told her that she knows how to make them but she doesn’t do them justice.”

“You’re Jo Harvelle.” Jo turned around to Castiel, whose voice was filled with wonder.

“Yeah, and you are…?” She let her voice trail off, leaving him to fill in the blank.

“Oh. Pardon my impoliteness. I’m Castiel. Pleasure.” Dean stood back at the sudden politeness, but Jo’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.  Her large smile quickly took over her face, making her eyes crinkle in the corners.

“You- you’re Castiel?! The real Castiel? The one that Dean drones on and on about when we are drunk, Castiel? The one that Dean sent a picture to and got a picture in reply, Castiel? Third grade, Castiel?” The questions came in quick-fire speed and he didn’t really have time to register all of them.

“That was an exceedingly high amount of questions in a very condensed time frame. Yes, I am the Castiel that has been writing to our mutual friend Dean for the past nine, nearly ten years. Yes I am the Castiel that Dean sent a picture to and I sent a picture to him. I am that Castiel. The one and only, actually.” He grinned a little bit as she dropped the over excited smile and replaced it with a more relaxed one.

“Well, that’s awesome. Dude, it’s so cool to finally get to meet you and everything. Dean wouldn’t let me near his letters so I have no clue what you are like other than that you are like, insanely smart and are completely- oof!” She knocked to the side as Dean rammed her in the side with his arm.

“Jo, please, shut your face. He’s only here for the night and i kind of want to be a little greedy and get to know him and catch up with him. I get that you are in love with the idea of him, but you have to contend with me for the real thing.” He looked down at the girl, sending a soft glare her way. She ducked her head, and Castiel couldn’t tell if the pink on her cheeks was from her blushing or if the carnival lights had put the pink there.

“Right, sorry Dean. Castiel. Uh, I’ll catch up with you later Dean.” She waved to the two of them, a little downput, but she walked away with a smile. Dean called after her quickly before she got too far away.

“Ash is still in the pit as far as I know, if you want to catch up to him.” Jo nodded in reply and set off towards the derby pit. Dean turned back to Castiel and got a little shock at the smirk on his face. “What?”

“You want to be a little ‘greedy’?” Castiel tried to hide the laugh that was threatening to break through to the surface. Dean ran a hand up the back of his neck, tugging on the hairs at the base of his head.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I want to make sure that I know everything about you before you leave and there isn’t much time left and I don’t get to be greedy very often.” His words flew fairly quickly from his mouth, and Castiel noted again at how Dean hinted at not getting his life the way that he wants it.

“You keep saying things like that. That you don’t get the things that you want, that life isn’t going the way that you planned, that you have to take care of Sam, that you don’t get to be greedy. Ar-are you OK?” Dean, frozen by the question, looked to Castiel with a blank expression. But that blank canvas slowly gained some emotion- concern. “I’ve told you a lot about me, and I haven’t gotten a lot in reply.” The taller boy released his hand from his neck and shoved it into his pocket-

“Funnel cake, dear.” The lady behind the counter called out to them, holding what looked like breaded spaghetti with a glob of powdered sugar on top. Dean pulled his hand out from his pocket and took it from her, grabbing some napkins with it.

“Let’s go sit down and I’ll tell you.” They silently made their way to the nearest table and sat down, shooing away some lazily droning flies from the area and setting the tiger down next to them. They both began to eat and Castiel was pleasantly surprised at how amazingly delicious, and unhealthy, this was. He waited expectantly for Dean to talk.

“Well, I told you that mom died when I was little right?”

“Yeah. You said that you figured out that people dress in sheets as ghosts because that’s what they put on her when they pulled her from the house.”

“Yeah. Well, because of mom dying, dad got really into alcohol. I mentioned that a few times when he came home drunk, or left me at Bobby’s. About three years ago, I found out where he was running off to for such long periods of time… he had another woman, and had a kid with her. I have a half brother named Adam. Dad had been running off to see them  every few months, and apparently had promised her money and a good life. That’s why we never had food on the table. All of his money went to her and his bastard son. Bobby ended up leaving because he was so disappointed in dad, He took his auto shop with him and went to South Dakota. Dad was P.O.’d and told Bobby that one of them would have to end up coming back for Sam and I. Bobby didn’t, so dad had to.

“Sam and I ended up having to fend for ourselves most of the time. Well- I fended for us, Sam just thought that dad was still going on trips. I worked as much as I could. I did odd jobs for neighbors, fixing fences, mowing lawns, even walking dogs. I house sat- and may or may not have taken food from them to feed Sam. But that’s beside the point. For nearly two years I took care of Sam- walked him to school every day, fed him, made sure that he showered, even kept up on paying bills and stuff. I had stopped going to school. And ever since Bobby got back, I have been working for him part time, and going to school. I still pay for most of Sam’s stuff, but Bobby helps a bit now, too. Dad’s been gone for a long time, and I’m done trying to find him.

“I gave up everything when dad left us. i gave up my education to that Sam would have one. I gave up my life so that Sam could have clothes. I gave up most of my meals so that he would have a full stomach when he went to bed. I became a dad and I shouldn’t have had to.

“So there’s my sob story. That’s why I want to be a little greedy and keep you all to myself for right now. It’s rare that I get anything that’s all for me. Especially friends.” Silence ensued as best as it could, what with the whirring and grinding of the rides and the screaming of children and the bells and whistles of the booths. They sat together on that picnic table for what felt like eternity before Castiel spoke, his hands now covered in grease and powdered sugar.

“Why didn’t you tell me about all of that, Dean? I could have helped you. I could have loaned you some money or sent you food- I could have helped.”

“You had your own problems to deal with, I wasn’t going to throw mine onto the pile.” He picked at the remains of the funnel cake, of which they had been eating while Dean talked. Castiel sat stunned.

“You have a heart of gold, Dean Winchester. Whoever get’s it is going to be the richest person in the world.” The words that rolled off of his tongue were soft, gentle, and true. And they caused Dean to look up slowly, as if unsure of the compliment. He didn’t even answer but with a smile, and that’s all that Castiel needed.

They got up and tossed the now empty plate away and walked off towards a ticket stand, their shoulders brushing as they walked and Castiel still cuddling the big tiger. They paid for thirty tickets and pointedly wandered off towards the direction of the fastest ride there was. Small conversations were exchanged as they walked and waited in line, and when they each gave three tickets to the ride operator, he told them, “you two have fun up there.” Dean and Castiel didn’t argue with him and made their way to a car. It was one of those octopus ones where the cars spin individually while the ride itself spins and tilts. And neither one of them lost their snacks as they went through the ride.

“How about the bumper cars?”

“Don’t you think that you would have a slightly unfair advantage in bumper cars?”

“No. I drive real cars. These just kind of float on air.”

“You’re still driving.”

“But you can’t control these things to save your life…”

“Fine. I want the red one.”

The line for the bumper cars took a long time, but it was well worth the wait. Because of the high population of people in line, they all had to shift together pretty tightly. And Castiel ended up having to lean up against Dean when a group of larger ladies were told that they wouldn’t fit in the cars, so they made their way back down the line. Castiel smiled up to Dean as they passed- they were pretty much flushed together. And both blushed as the person behind them cleared their throat, signaling to move forward.

Castiel totally took Dean down in bumper cars. But he was pretty sure that Dean just let him win. They went on a few more rides, and each with only two tickets left, went to get in line at the ferris wheel.

“I don’t see why we have to do this, Cas. It’s not OK for those things to be moving when they are up so high.”

“They are fully suspended and are perfectly safe, Dean.”

“I don’t think so. They are moving and they are not staying still…”

“And it’s all part of the fun!”

“That does not look like fun.”

“Dean, this is one of two rides that takes only two tickets. The other one is one that we already went on. Besides, ferris wheels are tradition to go on at these things.”

“Cas- I- no…”

“Dean Winchester, are you afraid of heights?”

“Pfft- what?! No! I’m terrified of them.”

“Would you go on it if I held you hand?”

“Probably.”

“Then give me your hand.” They both relaxed as Castiel threaded his long, soft fingers through Dean’s well calloused ones. They pressed the sides of their bodies together as they stood, and kept their hands connected as they handed their last tickets to the machine operator. They held hands as they got into a carriage with an older man and woman. Castiel set the tiger outside of the ride.

“Why, aren’t you two just the cutest couple.” The old woman smiled at them, tilting her head to show that they were adorable. Castiel replied.

“We actually aren’t together. But, he’s terrified of heights. But I wanted to go on this so he came with me.” Castiel smiled at Dean, and although he was tapping his leg at 200 miles an hour, he smiled back.

“Well, to me, that’s what makes a couple. Sacrificing what you are scared of to be with the one that you care about. That’s what makes them work. You grow and change for the other.” The man still had some brown in his hair, compared to the all white that his wife had. They shared a smile and the carriage swayed back and forth as the ferris wheel began to turn. Dean actually groaned and dropped his head to his knees. Castiel still held his hand, but used to other to coax Dean into his chest, rubbing his shoulder as the ride stopped again, letting another couple of people get off and more to get on. Dean lifted his head a little bit, turning it towards the man and woman.

“Well, I don’t know how long this ride is going to last, but I like you guys. What you are saying is true. And, Cas?” He lifted his head fully now, pointedly not looking outside of the carriage.

“Yeah?”

“When we get back to solid ground, first I will puke, and secondly, I am making sure that you never feel alone again. Just one condition…”

“Shoot.”

“You NEVER make me get on one of these death traps again.” He forced out a small smile, one that made the one on Castiel’s face grow massive.

“Deal.” The rest of the ferris wheel ride went fairly smoothly, with Dean only having to hum a few verses of Metallica the entire ride. They never let go of the others hand. The woman and man finally gave their names to the duo.

“I’m Matilda, by the way. And this is my husband, Harvey. So, how long have the ‘not couple’ known each other?” Her voice was as smooth as silk, and was a calm distraction for the two of them as they rode- ok, a distraction for Dean, and a conversationalist for Castiel.

“We have known each other for nearly a decade, but in actuality, we only met a few hours ago.” Castiel stated, keeping a hand on Dean’s shoulder as reassurance.

“Oh? That’s- would you mind running that by me again, dear?”

“Of course! My apologies for being so vague! We’ve been pen-pals since third grade and now we are both seniors in high school. And I live in Illinois, while he lives here in Kansas. I came here as part of a class trip, and I met up with him by accident. And we’ve just been catching up on life and everything since meeting. It’s- it’s been a really good night.”

“Yeah, it is. I have in fact learned that for as smart and as kind as Castiel here is, he is mean… forcing me into this death swing.”

“Death swing? Really Dean? i happen to think that this is very safe compared to the derby cars that you drive for a living.”

“Derby cars are side cash, I am a mechanic by trade.”

“Then you should know that the suspension on this ‘contraption’ is practically fail-safe, and that the only way that you are going to die is if Matilda here whips out a blade and uses your blood for a demonic sacrifice.” The carriage went silent after that last comment, and Castiel looked shyly over at matilda and Harvey, both of whom had their lips pursed in an attempt to hide their smile.

“That’s very kind of you to think that I am strong enough to kill a boy either one of your sizes, but I haven’t been able to do that for a few years now.” Again, silence. But when she and Harvey cracked a smile, the entire carriage burst to laughing. “You two fight like an old married couple. You will be very happy together. I hope that you get to continue to be friends.”

“Me too.” Dean looked over to Castiel, a goofy grin spread across his face. It didn't take much longer for their ride to end, and when they got off, Dean and Castiel remained with their hands joined between them. They gave a final wave to Harvey and Matilda before heading back to the pit where Dean's car was waiting to take Castiel home... well, back to the motel. They walked slowly, savoring every step that they took. And they ignored the pointed looks from not only adults, but teenagers alike.

"Freaking hetero's." Dean mumbled under his breath as they got passed by a man and woman, also holding hands, giving them a cruel glare. Castiel, sighing his discontent with the statement, replied.

"You're half hetero you nut."

"Bi is not half hetero, I'm just not completely gay. I fall on the gay spectrum- but you were joking and I am making a massive deal out of this, aren't I?" Dean dropped his head and Castiel gently rubbed his shoulder.

"You aren't used to it, are you? Being out like this with another guy? I know, it's weird. People give you mean looks. Just wait until they start yelling slurs as you are walking down the street. So-called friends, teachers, strangers. It hurts, but you get used to it." Castiel tried to remain positive, but just mentioning those few things that people have done brought back some pretty harsh memories... being shoved into lockers, being tripped in the hallway, having bones snap and muscles tear... yeah, life hadn't been all that fun for Castiel. But he pushed those memories aside as Dean pulled him over to the gate of the pit- they had walked quite a distance. Castiel looked into Dean's green eyes, his perfect emerald eyes, and was instantly carried away when Dean rushed into his space, wrapping him in a hug that was far more than just a ‘hello’ kind of hug. This was a ‘I’m sorry’ hug.

“Cas… I’m not used to it, and you shouldn’t have to be. Life sucks sometimes, but now that we at least have each other, It’s going to be alright.” They remained embraced for a decent time, and when Dean finally pulled away, he wasted no time in taking Castiel by the hand to lead him back to the pit, which was now mostly cleared out. A lot of the cars would be pulled out in the morning, so the desolate landscape outlined by the sharp edges of the destroyed cars was a beautiful oxymoron to life.

“Dean? Where are we going? Slow down!” Dean had nearly gone into a sprint, and every once in awhile he would look back at Castiel with this stupid grin on his face. He was practically dragging Castiel behind him as they made their way to the depths of the car lot. “Dean!” And not so long after that final word escaped from his lips, Castiel was pulled to a stop- right in front of a non-destroyed car.

“Castiel, meet Baby. She is my 1967 Chevy Impala, original rims but a new paintjob. She runs on a V8 327 4 barrel, 275bhp engine, with a two speed auto transmission. She’s my pride and joy in life, and now, you get to ride in her!” The excitement that dripped from Dean’s voice was beautiful; just the fact that he loved this car so much to be able to tell everything about her with a smile on his face was refreshing to his solemn personality.

“So, I _get_ to ride in her?” Castiel made a quick poke at the word choice and was met head on with a hard answer.

“No. You don’t just get to. You get the _privilege_ to ride in her. Because she is a classic in near perfect condition, and I have restored her time and time again because of dad messing her up- she is mine, and you will respect her much like you would treat your mother with respect when she gets mad at you-” Dean stopped himself when he realized what he had just said, but Castiel just waved it off with a quick movement of his hand.

“I’ll be nice to her. Come on, we should get going. I have to be back to the motel soon.” He dropped Dean’s hand and made his way to the other side of the beautiful car. Even in the dim lighting way back here he could tell that she was a powerful muscle car, that she had some get up and go to her. And just as he was about to grab the door handle, the engine roared to life, effectively making him jump out of his skin. The window rolled down as he just stood outside.

“Dude, come on! I thought you said that you didn’t have all night to just do whatever. If we had all night I could think of a lot better things to do than go to a motel- actually, no I couldn’t. Get in!” The window rolled back up and Castiel opened the door. A soon as he sat down and got it closed, Dean flipped on the radio, Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages blared through the speakers.

“Ow! Turn that down!” Castiel slammed his hands over his ears, trying to drone out the overly loud music. Dean turned the dial down, letting Castiel remove his hands from his ears. They sat happily, just letting the music fill them, as Dean shifted into reverse and backed out of the parking space. He pulled out onto the road and made his way into town.

“So, Cas, we still have a little bit of time before we have to get you back to the motel, so I figured that we would take the long way back. You know, go through town, I’ll show you what’s what, maybe even take you on a dirt road. Have you ever been on a dirt road?” Dean flicked on his brights as they began down the desolate road, and he looked over to see Castiel shaking his head.

“If I have, I don’t remember it.” Dean sighed in disappointment at that, and Castiel chuckled in reply.

“Dude, you are so deprived. Alright, we are going to drive through town, I am going to show you what is what, and then we are going to take the long way back to the motel… dirt roads.” As they made their way out of the fairground limit and onto a more populated road, he turned off his brights and made his way through the slow line of cars into town. They passed house after house, each with a little fence and yard and 2.5 kids. Dean would every once and awhile point out a house that someone he knew lived in. Like the dark red house was Ash’s house, and the yellow one was where Benny lived until he was 13. And the big white one was where Charlie lived for a few years while her parents were still- well, he didn’t want to talk about it. Castiel nodded in understanding and left it at that. They turned onto main street and Castiel was taken at awe at the sight. The store fronts were all old-looking, however maintained spectacularly. Suspended from the rooftops, across the street, were golden lights that twinkled slowly, illuminating the street in a warm glow. Dean drove slowly, turning down the music, rolling down the windows so that the cool night air could blow through the cab of the car.

“So, over there is Dave’s Hardware. Dad used to take me and Sammy there to search for some car parts. And on the left is Elephan’s Toy Shoppe, and it’s a toy place. I used to take Sam there after school so that he could use the little tables and chairs to do homework. That was my first job actually. I would get a few dollars every time I helped the manager clean up the store, or take kids to the bathroom.” The shop, while dark, was a light brown with a red trim on it.

“Oh, and next to it is Mac’s, it’s a burger joint where I learned how to cook. And on the right is George and Georgina’s Pharmacy. And then there is the craft store run by sweet little Margaret May. She’s such a nice woman. And then over on the other side of the street is the alley that _some creeper_ nearly followed me up, and then on the other side of the alley is- that’s The Nook. That’s the bookstore where you can donate used books and stuff.” Dean pulled up outside of The Nook… it was dark now, those heavy red drapes hiding the beautiful secret stack of books inside. “The owner likes me, her name is Bela. She always told me that when I went in there to study that I would start mumbling out loud, reading the books or questions to myself. I told her a little bit about what was happening in my life, what with dad and everything, and she gave me a key. She told me that whenever I didn’t feel safe going home or anything that I can stay there. That’s what I was doing when you took a picture of me. Sam was at his friends, and I didn’t feel like paying for an extra day of heat or electricity. I was actually going to respond to your letter that night, but didn’t get a chance because some creep stalked me and took my photo.” Castiel sat back in the seat, slightly embarrassed about the situation.

“I’ll give the photo back to you. It’s in my room right now, but I’ll give it to you if you want to come inside.”

“Sure… maybe. Let’s get you on a dirt road first.” Dean chuckled a little bit and Castiel let out his air. Dean checked over his shoulder and pulled out onto the nearly empty street. They went past the motel and out into the farm area back behind the town. As they neared a dirt road about ten minutes later, Dean slowed down.

“What are you doing?” Castiel glanced over to Dean, checking to see what he was doing. Nothing, he had just slowed down.

“Dirt roads are dangerous getting onto if you are going too fast. So I have to slow down.” Dean glanced at his speedometer, and so did Castiel. They were slowing down from 60 to 50 to 40 and down to 35.

“How fast were we going Dean?”

“Not very. Only about 75.”

“ _Not very?_ Yeah, 75 is kind of fast Dean.”

“For you, for me it’s just the right speed. Speaking of right speed, we are now-” _thunk_ “-on a dirt road!” Dean kept the speed pretty slow as they went over a line of bumps. _Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunk-_

“What were those?” Castiel asked as they cleared the bumps.

“Washboards. Happens because of wind and over-use on a road.” Castiel looked into the mirror behind them and noticed the massive amounts of dust they were kicking up. When he looked back forward Dean had flipped on his brights again. The barren landscape was lit, all of its nothingness illuminated in the bright lights.

“This feels really weird…” The car, even though Dean’s hands were straight on the wheel, was being pulled to the right.

“Yeah, that’s sand traps. They grab your tires and pull you in. But you don’t want to be, so you have to fight it. And don’t ever get stuck in a ditch because you are screwed if you do that. Us mechanics make a lot of money off of people who get stuck in ditches.” Castiel nodded in understanding.

**************************************************************************

He watched as Castiel nodded, seemingly understanding all of this backwoods talk that he was going on about. And up ahead a car turned onto the road, facing their direction. He was still a ways off so Dean kept his brights on.

“Hey Cas, how are your siblings? You never talk about them anymore.” Dean turned to look at the boy who was staring wishfully out of the window. When presented with the question, he hung his head a little bit. Dean was just about to say that he didn’t have to talk about them, but Castiel looked up.

“Well, Michael moved to California to- well, he was tired of us. Gabe, after he graduated, took all the money that he had saved over the past few years and decided to go to culinary school. Anna is doing really well in school, keeping her grades up and everything.” It went all too quick and all too quiet. That’s when Dean noticed that he left out a sibling.

“What about Luc?”

“Lucifer is currently in prison. He was caught transporting drugs for a cartel, and then when he got out on bond he went to a hotel and killed like, 10 people. So we don’t talk about him. At least not anymore.” The car grew silent after that, only a small trickle of AC/DC dripping from the speakers and the crunch of tires on the road making any noise. Another car turned onto the road a ways in front of them, but not enough for him to turn his brights off. They were still probably a mile or so off, and both cars were moving slowly.

“I’m sorry- you didn’t have to answer-”

“Yeah I did. I don’t talk about it at all, and I needed to. I’m glad that I told you.” A small smile danced across his lips. They let Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap play through, and then when the next song came on, Dean gasped and turned the radio up far too loud, but who cares.

“Dead or Alive! Dude! This song rocks!” Castiel had to agree, mostly because this song was pretty dang good, but also because Dean was now singing along to the song and it was overall quite the entertainment to watch him.

_It’s all the same, only the names will change_

Dean turned off his brights as the other car came over a hill, they turned their brights off too.

 

_Everyday, it seems we’re wastin’ away_

When two cars come at each other that have their lights on, there is a sliver of darkness between where the two sets of lights meet.

_Another place, where the faces are so cold_

Dean turned to look at Castiel, his eyes bright and his smile wide. His singing was only slightly off-key but Castiel didn’t mind. His wasn’t all that good either.

_I drive all night just to get back home_

In that sliver of darkness between the two cars, Dean didn’t see the doe jump out in front of his car. He couldn’t brake, and Castiel braced for the impact as he saw the quick flash of white on the tail.

_I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride_

The car rammed into the poor animal. The boys were thrown against their seat belts and Castiel’s arms kept him from hitting the dash. Dean hadn’t been able to get his hands up in time- they went through the steering wheel.

_I’m wanted, dead or alive_

The other car swerved to a stop in front of them, and the lady jumped out to try and help them out of the car. Castiel raised his weary head, but Dean didn’t move. Castiel touched his shoulder.

_Wanted, dead or alive_

“DEAN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. If you are wondering about the tiger, he will show up again. But there is a reason that I left him at the ferris wheel.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry.


	15. Let's Make It Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am very sorry that this took FOREVER for me to get out to you guys. I've- I've had a lot of personal stuff going on. School is killing me, my anxiety is slightly under control, but my depression... it's bad. So, this is the crap you get after waiting for so long. I will try to get the next chapter out to you as soon as I can. I will give you one hint for the next chapter though... It's going to contain the article that Cas wrote about how reading is more than fundamental. I've been researching this topic since the beginning of the fic, knowing that it would correlate somehow. 
> 
> So there you go. It's not edited, duh, so mistakes are going to be found. I'll try to update as soon as I can.
> 
> Oh! One thing... could I get just some positive thoughts? It's hard to supply my own these days.

There was an annoying beeping to his right, and an annoying mumbling sound to his left, and an annoying whirring above him, and wow… life was really annoying. And his head really hurt, that was annoying. Like, why couldn’t he just not have a headache. And tried to rub his temple but his arm wouldn’t move. Why wouldn’t it move. He let out a low moan in annoyance, because that was the only emotion that he could feel at the moment.

“Dean?” The mumbling was replaced by his name, spoken through a low voice. A voice that was gentle, silken, and rocky all at the same time. Dean moaned in reply, turning his head towards the voice. The voice then called out again, but this time a little louder. “Nurse, I think that he is waking up.” He felt something grab onto his left hand, soft, caressing, and woven between his fingers.

“Why I do believe that you are right, Castiel. Let’s make sure that he is all the way awake before we try anything, alright?” There was no reply to that, but all of a sudden he was blinded by someone lifting his eyelids and shining a bright light into his eyes. He moaned again, this time in frustration.

“Cas.” The word rolled off his tongue quietly, and he was unsure of his voice. It was dry, raspy, but the sigh he heard in reply was well worth it.

“You’re awake.” The thing that gripped his hand held on tighter, and it must have been a hand. He cracked open his eyes, blinking back the bright light that threatened to blind him. He tried again, and again, and each time it was easier to open them and keep them open. And finally, when he was able to retain details of his surroundings, he locked eyes with-

“Sapphire.” Those eyes were the bluest blue to ever blue. Small crinkles appeared on the edge of those eyes, and from there he could see a smile, a shock of black hair, and- it was his Castiel. There was a cut on his forehead with a little bandaid over it, but other than that, he looked ok.

“Hey, Dean.” That soft woman’s voice sounded again, and Dean looked for the source. She was red-headed with a sharp smile. “You have quite a few medications going through you right now, so things might seem a little silly. How are you feeling?” Dean watched her lips move, they had been painted a soft brown color. She had a few strands of hair that had fallen out of her bun, but that didn’t really concern him. He was far too busy looking down her shirt as she leaned over to check his vitals. He only giggled in reply. He could see Castiel out of the corner of his eye look up at the nurse in concern.

“Is he OK?” She stood back up, making Dean look away.

“Like I said, it’s just the medications. He’s been put on a few different things, and that last one we put him on to wake up him did a little bit of a number on him. He will be OK, I promise. he just has to get over this little bubble of… well, not-him, before he will truly understand what is going on. It won’t take longer than twenty minutes or so.” She nodded a little bit and motioned to the teen who was now trying to lick his nose.

“Well, OK. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.”

“I sure will dear. I’ll leave you with him while I go check on a few other patients.” She jotted down a few more things in a folder before sticking her pen in her pocket and walking out of the door. Dean looked back up to Castiel.

“You look dead, Dean. I’m just glad that you aren’t. Do you remember what happened?” Castiel used his free hand to run it through his already messy hair before placing it back in his lap. Dean followed his hand and then looked at their conjoined hands, and then saw the bedsheets. They were stiff, a light blue color, striped. He hated striped sheets.

“Hospital?” Castiel nodded.

“Yeah, we are in the hospital. You have been out for a few hours. It’s nearly three a.m. Dean.” The words that his friend were speaking were starting to make more sense to him, he was able to comprehend more and more as the seconds ticked by.

“Car crash. Headlights.” He attempted to lift his hands again and was pleased to see that they responded this time. He picked up his right hand and noticed that he couldn’t really bend it. “What-?”

“You have a cast on that arm, and three IV’s, that’s why you can’t move it. But this hand,” Castiel squeezed the hand that he was holding, “only got dislocated.” Castiel unthreaded his fingers from Dean’s hand to let him look at the damages himself.

“Cas? Are- are you OK?” There was that comprehensive thought process again. He had begun to miss it, and he was far more concerned about his friend than of himself.

“Yeah, I’m Ok.” Castiel let a small smile out and reached up to brush back a stray hair from Dean’s forehead. His skin tingled where they had made contact. He leaned into the touch a little bit, and Castiel drew back.

“What?” Dean looked up at Castiel, his eyes were wide and brimmed with tears. “What’s up?” He quieted his voice to sooth the dark haired kid.

“Dean, you were unconscious for nearly four hours. They weren’t sure when you were going to wake up, and when you do, you only care about others. you should be worried about yourself.” Castiel’s voice cracked as he spoke, trying to hold back his emotions. But Dean would have none of that.

“Hey now, I worry about others because that is my job. It’s my job to take care of Sammy, it’s my job to take care of Jo, and it’s my job to take care of you. That’s why I am here, Cas, to make sure that the ones that I love are OK.” He paused, calculating the words that he had just said. “I uh, didn’t- uhm…”

“It’s alright Dean. I understand. You care so much. But sometimes, Dean, you have to care about yourself before you can care about others. That’s the way of the world. And no,” he held up a hand to Dean who tried to speak, “it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s healthy.” Dean grimaced as he tried to sit up, but his head swam so he laid back down.

“It’s just- if I start caring about myself then...how am I going to pay these hospital bills?” Cas was taken aback at the quick question. He shook his head in a silent answer before opening his mouth.

“D-do you not have insurance?”

“No…” He let the word linger in the air, letting its weight settle around them. “I don’t. I don’t have money, insurance, I have to go home.” He tried getting up again, and as he looked down at the bed he noticed something terrible… his entire right leg was in a plaster cast, ankle to thigh. “Cas?” Castiel solemnly looked down, avoiding Dean’s eyes as best as he could, so Dean asked again. “Cas? What is that?”

“Your leg, because it was on the gas pedal, it took the blunt of the hit when we crashed. You fractured your femur, your thigh bone. That cast is going to be on there for a while.” As he explained, he tried to not notice that Dean’s emerald eyes were filling with tears, threatening to fall. But before he could, the nurse came in again.

“Castiel, dear, your teacher is in the lobby. And Dean, your uncle is here.” She checked the machines on the side of the bed quickly before leaving, motioning for Castiel to follow. He squeezed dean’s hand before standing and following the nurse. As he made his way to the lobby, he saw Naomi and she instantly ran up to him, enveloping him in a large hug.

“Oh Castiel! I thought I told you to be careful! Look at you, all tattered and bruised. What happened to that friend of yours? The one from the derby?” She held him at arm’s length, her large brown eyes still a little unfocused from having to get up so early in the morning.

“Dean took the brunt of the hit. The deer-”

“The deer?!” naomi squaked quite loudly, sending one of the waiting patients in the lobby to hush her.

“Yes, a deer. It was on Dean’s side. I never did get a look at the car, but I’m pretty sure that it’s done for. Naomi?” He looked down at her, now noticing that she was wearing pajamas.

“Yes, Castiel?”

“Can I stay here with him? I think that he would be better, calmer, if I could stay here and help him. Just for one more night. Please.” His voice had gone quiet as he was begging her, turning back into the little kid that had sent the first letter… the one that talked too much. “He would do well with the company, and I don’t think that he’s going to even attempt to stay in that bed unless he has someone here, and his uncle isn’t going to be able to do much because he will have to take care of Dean’s younger brother, and-”

“Castiel. Shut up.” So blatantly confused by the harsh words coming from the usually placid teacher, he instantly shut his mouth. “You’ve been here all night. The bus leaves in a few hours. I will let you stay here until the bus leaves, and then we are picking you up on the ride back. Who do you trust to pack your bags for you?” The breath that Castiel let out was strong enough to cause the loose strands of Naomi’s hair to blow back.

“Thank you.” He gave her one last hug and turned to walk away but stopped himself. “And uh, Balthazar. Make sure that he didn’t bring any animals into the motel. They would end up in my bag.” Naomi nodded and gave one last look of remorse to Castiel before turning and walking out of the door. He made his way back to Dean’s room, but stopped short when he heard Bobby and him talking.

“Boy, you know that I am willing to pay for this. After all-”

“After all, you have a store to upkeep, you have a life to live, and you have alcohol to buy. This is my problem, not yours.”

“Not my problem? Boy, you are the problem. And because you are the problem, yu are my problem. So suck it up and accept the money.”

“No! I don’t take donations!”

“That didn’t stop you last year when you went to the food bank on Christmas to get an actual meal for you and Sam. What happened to coming over?”

“Your girlfriend had a creep in her house, and by happenstance, you ‘accidentally’ shoved him into a wood-chipper. I wasn’t coming over to you and her going at it like rabbits.”

“Now you listen here boy-”

“Bobby, just accept it. I am not taking your charity money. I will find a way to do this on my own.” There was a dramatic sigh from one of them, and then the sounds of heavy bootsteps headed out into the hallway. Castiel didn’t have time to turn or pretend that he wasn’t listening, hell, he didn’t have time to move as he was nearly bulldozed by Bobby. No words were exchanged as Bobby gave him a hard look, and then proceeded down the hall and presumably out of the building. Castiel, taking a moment to gather himself, walked into the hospital room.

“Dean? How are you feeling?” His eyes were closed, and he was breathing slower than he had been earlier. Not to mention that his once tanned skin was looking a little chalky.

“Just peachy, Cas.” A small set of footsteps were heard behind them, and Castiel turned to see the doctor.

“Hey there you two. I just wanted to fill Dean in on some details about what has happened. It’s been an exciting half hour since he woke up.” She gave a small smile to the two of them, Dean’s eyes fluttering closed as he turned his head to the ceiling. Castiel nodded, inviting her to speak.

“Dean, you have been unconscious for a few hours, seeing as we found you at about eleven-thirty, and it now being about three in the morning. You have sustained a clean break to your femur, your thigh bone, and that will have to be in a cast for, quite a while. Not to mention that you will have to attend physical therapy as soon as the cast is off, to regain muscle.

“You have also sustained a minor concussion, and a fracture to your arm, hence the current cast on that as well. As far as medical tests, we have had to run a CT scan, and we ran an MRI. Other than the concussion, you have no major, nor minor, craneal abrasions other than a few scratches. The CT scan showed no internal bleeding, and your spine, while having gotten jarred from the wreck, is perfectly fine. Overall, you are going to feel sore, and your back might hurt. Not to mention, you have whiplash.” She turned to Castiel after that, seeing as how Dean was now flat out ignoring her. “Your boyfriend is very stubborn.”

“I- uh- we- not- i’m- not- Dean’s not-” Spluttering for words, the poor doctor turned beet red at the miscommunication.

“Oh! My, I didn’t mean to- you just seemed so close! I apologize!” She gripped the clipboard with all of her might, her face flushed. Castiel, while still a little nervous, just laughed.

“It’s alright, we’ve been friends for as long as we can remember, so I do suppose that it is probable that we do seem closer than some friends.” The doctor let out a soft chuckle. He put a hand on her elbow, earning a concerned glance, and lowering his voice so that she wouldn’t hear. “May I speak to you, in private?” She nodded, following Castiel out of the room.

“What can I help you with?” Castiel looked down at the floor, studying the specks of gold in its white surface.

“Uh, Dean. He can’t afford all of this. I don’t think that he has insurance. I don’t think that he is going to be able to pay for any of this. May I ask, what is the cost of all of this?” He looked up at her with big eyes, doing his best to get an answer from her.

“Castiel, there are protocols that I must follow, one of which is that anyone outside of immediate family isn’t to know any information.”

“But, I’m the closest to family he has. He only has a little brother. His father is gone, the man who was in here earlier isn’t even related to him by blood, and godammit, family don’t end in blood.” He knew that he was too fired up for how short of a conversation this was, but he was determined to get an answer. The shock on her face must have proved that.

“The only thing that I can tell you, while still following protocols, is that this is going to be expensive. The MRI and CT alone are a lot of money, and then the hospital visit itself, the drugs, the PT, it’s all going to add up. However, there are certain ways that we can help reduce the cost of the visit. And for those, I will be talking to him.” She nodded curtly at him before turning on her heel and walking away. Castiel sighed, and looked down at the door, which behind was his best friend, lying helpless with one leg in the air, and one arm in a sling. He placed his hand on the handle, and stepped inside. Those next few hours until the van came were the shortest in his life.

**********************************************************************************************

_Castiel,                                                                                                                                     April 3_

__

_My leg still feels like hell, and I can’t really move my right arm. Sammy is all kinds of concerned about me, and is doing his very best to find a way to make me feel better. He tried to make me soup last night, and he burned it… How do you ever burn soup? I don’t know, but now he does._

_So, I got another bill in the mail. They keep coming, and I am quickly running out of money, and since I can’t work, I can’t replace it. I don’t know what to do anymore. And Bobby keeps offering information and keeps trying his best to help me, but I don’t want help. You know how I am, I am just about as stubborn about not having people help me as I am about you wanting to take me on that ferris wheel._

_Oh, by the way. Jo found the tiger that we had left behind. She called up the fairgrounds and was able to track the movement of the bugger. Turns out that the staff actually keep those items for themselves until someone claims them. I have him here, with me. I really like this tiger. Oddly enough, not very many people look for lost stuffed tigers after being hit by a deer- ok, after hitting a deer._

_Speaking of which, baby is going to be alright. Bobby finally found all of her parts along the road. So now I can start fixing her up! I can hear you groaning through the letter, Cas. Let me get some time under the hood and then I will feel better. Besides time under a hood means more money. And I know what you are thinking right now- ‘Dean, yo have a broken leg and a fractured arm, you are going to kill yourself climbing through the car. Leave it to Bobby!’ But… Cas!_

_This is my life, my ambition, and you are several hours away so you can’t do anything anyways. So I totally am going to start fixing her up. Did I ever tell you about her? Well, other than the basics of that dad bought it off of some guy who had completely destroyed it._

_So Baby, my 1967 Chevy Impala. Dad bought it off of some guy after had been hit by a semi. It was actually him and his two sons. They all survived, fortunately. So dad took her in, and started fixing her. She was the first car I learned anything on. Well, anything other than how to change oil and tires. Sam and I, we practically grew up in that car. Dad would always take us to different places when I was little. And when I got into about third grade, when I met you, that was when dad started- he started drinking really badly. I didn’t know about it at first, but what does a child like that know about grown-up things?_

_Sammy, he shoved a little army man into the ashtray when we were going down to a museum. And then I shoved some legos, the red and blue kind, into the air vents. It’s funny because even now when you turn on the air you can hear them rattling. I’m sure you heard them. And I am sure you thought I just didn’t take care of my car at all. But I do. So much so that dad, after he has wrecked it a few time when driving drunk or whatever, I’ve rebuilt it. Even putting the legos and army man back because those aren’t flaws, they are memories._

_And my favorite memory from that car so far, is the fact that you got to ride in it. Even if it was only for a little while. But in that short time, you got to see my life. Because I leave everything in that car. I lose the tough act, I lose the loneliness, I lose myself in her… but now she’s lost. She’s destroyed because of the stupid deer in the road._

_So as far as medical goes, I am actually having Jo write this because my arm is still sore. My leg, well, it’s slowly getting better. Still can’t put any weight on it, but I was given crutches to get around. Stairs are a bitch to navigate, but oh well. There is a couch, bathroom, and kitchen on one level, so I am all set. However, the shower bathroom is still upstairs. Sam tried to carry me up there to get me to shower… yeah, that didn’t work. He practically threw me down the stairs when we got about four steps up. He is not touching me for a while. If I want to get clean, I am going to take a sponge bath- maybe I will have him help with that, give him some payback for dropping me on my bad leg on a set of stairs… I’m thinking about it._

_Anyways! I can’t help but think that, well, sometimes things are meant to happen. And, honestly, I don’t know if we are. I mean, you live in Illinois, and I live here in Kansas. I’m a mechanic that never graduated high school and you are going to get a journalism degree in a four year college. We are so different, how can we possibly make this work? How have we made it work? You know, us being friends and all. We have different groups of friends, and we have different ambitions, and you- you are a genius and I am here, in a cast, having someone with legible handwriting write this letter for me, because I couldn’t see a deer. And I just don’t know-_

_Castiel? This is Jo. I slapped Dean and he now has duct tape on his mouth because he wouldn’t shut up about how you two aren’t meant for eachother and all of this shit. And pardon my french, but I don’t censor myself in letters. Dean has no clue what the fuck he is talking about, you two are about as perfect for each other as hamburger is with a bun and bacon. So, yeah, you two are completely opposite, but opposites attract. So, you need to know that Dean is currently ripping the tape off of his mouth, and that you guys are always going to be best friends._

_Sorry about that Cas. I’m back. I cannot believe that she hijacked my letter and I am still having her write it for me. Whatever. Uh, I agree with what she said. I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and if you want me to mail the tiger to you I can._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                   April 7_

__

_Keep the tiger, I already have the bird to remind me of you. So now you need something to remind you of me. As for what Jo said, I agree that this can work. Opposites attract, and we are just about as opposite as burgers without BBQ sauce and bacon. Yeah, I totally stole that from you guys._

_Let’s make this work._

_**  
**Cas_


	16. The Perks Of Being A Bookworm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I knocked this out in less than three hours., including having the distraction of a roommate who was watching American Horror Story at a super loud volume. She is currently asleep, and I don't care that I am typing at 11:40 at night. I am posting this before midnight.
> 
> So!! As I am sure a lot of you know, there is a SPN con in Denver, Colorado, USA this year, this upcoming weekend. I will be attending!! Let me know if you or any of your friends are going to be there, I would love to meet so many of you!!
> 
> Message me on my Tumblr or down in the comments section of this chapter, and hopefully we will at some point, be able to meet up at SPN Denver Con!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have to work on editing, I'm just lazy, but usually do it on the way. I'll get back to it later

_Cas,                                                                                                                                                          April 10_

__

_I don’t get how we are going to make this work though. I mean- I don’t want to have to always drive up to see you or have you take field-trips down here to see me. I want this to work. And I am sure that we will figure this out, but right now I am on so many medications that I don’t know what I am really talking about._

_So I am finally out of my sling, which means that I can write again. However, my handwriting has not improved any, so I apologize. Not that I can really help it, so…_

_Uh, I don’t really know what to talk about now. My brain is just kind of fuzzy. Oh! How is your article coming? Shouldn’t it be done by now? And you totally have permission to use that photo of me. I don’t think that I ever did get to see it, but I don’t care anymore. I just want you to get a good grade on it. So, tell me about that. And then we can go from there._

__

_Dean_

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                       April 15_

__

_I know that we are going to make this work. Somehow, some way, we are going to make our friendship work… or, whatever this is. Wow, I really hope that I didn’t just like, destroy everything by suggesting that. But I am very glad that you are at least taking your medicine. And I know what we can talk about, but I won’t bring it up right now._

_But my article? I finished it! It’s all edited and everything. Naomi allowed me a few extra days to work on it, you know, because of the accident. But it’s all done, and I am so excited. She let me make it as long as I really wanted it to be, so of course, it’s a massive text. It’s going to be published to the school paper, and then Naomi said that we would send it into the local paper and see if we could sell the material. If we can do that then I will get all of the money, and I will have my name known at the paper. It’s really rare for someone to get their name into the paper at such a young age, and for it to be an actual article that was researched and everything! So, here it is. Feel free to judge me as hard as you want. I will take every word in stride._

_So, do your damage…_

**The Perks Of Being A Bookworm**

**By: Castiel Novak**

**Being a bookworm is a title that most everybody of the world finds unappealing. After all, you literally sit behind a desk and read all books from all over the world. History books for the history buffs, sci-fi books for the Lord Of The Rings nerds (like myself), and biographies for those who love to read the famous last words of people of our past. For instance… “I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.” -Thomas Hobbes; author.**

**That’s really what I see fitting for a self proclaimed bookworm. Each book is a voyage to a new place, a great leap into a place unknown, a new adventure that awaits each and every one of us. But reading isn’t just about the adventure, although it is a massive part of it.**

**We all know that reading is fundamental, heck, that’s been shoved down our throats since we knew what the words fundamental meant! But it’s more than just learning how to cite sources and take notes. It’s about learning who you are. And believe it or not, reading actually changes who you are as a person.**

**Reading increases your mental stimulation, enhancing your active brain power. Of course, reading makes you smarter. Then again, apparently so does playing Beethoven for babies. But is that true? I mean, you have all read that somewhere, right? Weather it is on the internet, or had it relayed to you by your parents, or maybe Beethoven told you that himself. However, that is unlikely… his last words were, “Plaudite, amici, commedia finita est.” That translates into, “Friends applaud, the comedy is over.”**

**But the comedy isn’t over, not when you read. Because you can always reread the books, relive the lives of your hero’s, and relive the adventures. The story isn’t over when the book is done, it’s over when you close the pages for the last time, when you don’t open the cover again. Reading also causes an increase in vocabulary expansion. Did you know that the synonym for synonym is ‘poecilonym’? Or that a ‘vagitus’ is by far the most beautiful sound in the entire world to new mothers? A ‘vagitus’ is the sound of a newborn baby’s cry. Just by reading this article you have already learned several new and interesting words, haven’t you? I know you have, because I had to look those up myself.**

**Books improve our mental capacity to the point where it positively affects our day to day life as well: memory improvement, stronger analytical thinking skills, and improved focus and concentration. Not to mention better writing skills. Now, I realize that in most articles that you will read, the journalists don’t talk about themselves, but oh well. Here goes.**

**I got into journalism because I’ve had a penpal for the past 10 years. When I first started talking to them, I was only 9 years old. I didn’t know how to write or how to use big words, and my penpal was worse at reading and writing than I am. But look where we are today! Those last three skills that I mentioned, the memory, thinking, and focus skills, are what he improved in the most, while my writing skills dramatically improved. He’s dyslexic, and yet he drives stock cars for a living, can tell you the make, model, and year of every car in every arena that he walks into, and you would never know that he had trouble paying attention in class for how smart he is with cars. Myself on the other hand, can write 8,000+ words in a very short amount of time, and be able to multitask by having to keep track of where my little sister is, and make sure that I feed her on time.**

**And that’s where my penpal comes back into play. He has his own little brother to take care of. He feeds, clothes, and shelters him to the best of his ability. These emotional traits are linked with being Emotionally Intelligent peoples, many factors contribute directly to having a strong reading basis.**

**They are very curious about people- hence, they don’t like to talk about themselves so much as learn about you. And i think that I know more about his little brother than I know about him.**

**They don’t seek perfection- probably because they know that perfection isn’t possible in life; not even in books do you find someone who is perfect. And my penpal, nor myself, are anywhere close to perfect… but we are making it work.**

**They can easily disconnect from the world- usually by burying their nose in a good book. After all how often can you go through life and not need time for yourself?**

**They don’t let ANYONE limit their joys in life- because why would you listen to someone telling you that you can’t be yourself when yourself is the only thing that you can be? And the only thing that you can be is true to yourself. So when you don’t want to be yourself, go pick up a book. Become Christopher McDougall and run with the fastest people on earth. Become Frodo Baggins and trek to Mordor with a ring that makes you invisible. Become someone who you want to be, but always stay true to yourself.**

**Emotionally intelligent people are hard to come by. So to have one as my best friend, who also pushes himself further by making himself read books that hurt his brain by trying to read them (Vonnegut), all in the hopes that we can be on the same level, intellectually.**

**Reading brings people closer together, for as solitary of an act as it is. Have you ever read Harry Potter and just had to gush to someone else about how Draco really isn’t the bad guy, he was just forced into bad decisions? Or are you on the other side of the story and say that it was his own fault that he was such an evil child. His parents didn’t raise him right, you know. Now go fight about that with the girl to the left.**

**Reading isn’t just fundamental for those who are young for teaching them how to count or to identify colors. Reading is fundamental for adults who require alone time, for those who are unable to process the world around them in large chunks at a time. It’s a buffer for many people, and a conversation starter for others. “Oh! You’re reading ‘For Whom The Bell Tolls’? I just started ‘The Only Thing That Counts’ myself. Isn’t Hemmingway an amazing author?”**

**Reading in a marathon sport, and in some cases, is the only release that real, physically demanding athletes get. At least I think- I don’t usually socialize with the jocks, I have my head buried in books and letters.**

**So no, reading isn’t just something that is for school, although you should read your school books. It’s something fun that keeps you intellectually intact and keeps you on your toes, even as you are sitting. You can travel to Middle Earth and then to Saudi Arabia in a manner of seconds- or, as long as it takes you to open up a new book.**

**Being a bookworm is something that you should never be ashamed of, and should embrace. Because who knows, you might just find your best friend through letters in the mail.**

**(Photo courtesy of D. Winchester)**

_Here is it… please don’t hate me._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                                                    April 19_

__

_Never change. Please, never change._

__

_Dean_

Castiel noticed that as he read Dean’s very short letter to him that there were a few erase marks right before he signed his name. He looked closer at the paper, even holding it up to the light as he tried to figure out what Dean had written. When he finally did figure it out, the paper fluttered to the ground in a flurry of lost words, and a lack of emotion.

There couldn’t be any way that those words were there on purpose. Sam must have written them and then Dean just erased them- but Sam isn’t allowed to read the letters, he knew better than to go snooping through Dean’s things. Besides, he was probably at the bookstore when he wrote this. So why would Sam be there?

No, there was absolutely no way that those words were there. Oh but they were, and that was Dean’s terrible handwriting. Those were his sloppy letters, and as much as he had tried to erase them, they hadn’t gone away completely. And honestly, Castiel was happy they they were still there. He just wished that they hadn’t been erased- that way he could ask Dean if he really meant it or not.

He bent to pick up the paper, cradling it between his fingers like the last petal from the Beast’s rose from the Enchanted Castle. And yes, that was a Disney reference because his brain was too melted and in shock to do anything else at the moment than to revert back to his childhood like state of mind. Plus, it was like a fairy tale to see those words printed (even though erased) from the page.

 **  
** _Please, never change. I love you the way you are._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sources for where I found my information:
> 
> http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/10-benefits-reading-why-you-should-read-everyday.html
> 
> http://time.com/3838524/emotional-intelligence-signs/?xid=emailshare
> 
> http://www.kokogiak.com/logolepsy/ow_v.html


	17. Ask Bobby, Not Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter kind of took a downward turn. I am sorry, but my mind has been wandering lately and it's been hard to focus on things a little bit. I'm not entirely sure where this is headed, so please, give me ideas in the comments below of what you think I should do! I just might pick one and go from there!
> 
> For anyone who wants to know about my Supernatural Con experience, I will tell you a select few things. "God" checked me out and said I looked REALLY good in a corset, "Lucifer" complimented my hair, and "Sam Winchester" told me he loved me because I got him candy. Apart from that, I almost died because "Henry Winchester" complimented my hat and then we talked for a little bit and he has REALLY pretty eyes.

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                                                 April 20_

__

_What else is there to talk about? You mentioned that there was something else that we could talk about… what was that? Because I totally forgot to mention it in the last letter and I just reread it, and I am very concerned._

_I, too, know something that we can talk about! How about that picture that you took of me in the bookstore. You know, with my leg on the desk, and my head tucked into my arm, I don’t look very comfortable. So, why that picture? Why that scene? What about it was so amazing to you that you had to take a photo of it? I just don’t understand._

_Ok, last letter until you reply._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                       April 24_

__

_Haha, I can’t believe that you actually sent two letters in a row, you usually hate just sending the one!_

_Starting with the picture topic. It’s kind of a long story, so buckle up. We had just gotten to Lawrence at about 9 that night. We were told that we could walk around and explore a little bit, so I took off with my camera and my satchel in order to find inspiration for a news story that I could write about and research. That was when I saw a remarkable feat happen… You see, there was this homeless man and his daughter. They were sitting on the side of the road, and there was a cardboard sign leaning against his foot. I really should have taken a picture, but I wasn’t really feeling that a homeless man and his daughter were the basis for a hard hitting research piece of literature. I was just about to go and drop some money off with this man when someone else came out of nowhere._

_This guy obviously wasn’t that perfectly well-off either. He had on shoes that had holes in them, and he looked like he knew how to fend for himself. He looked the type to get into a fight at the drop of a pin. Their conversation was brief, and I listened in a little bit. It was quiet, and sound carried well. The homeless man explained the situation, and the new man explained his own situation before handing him the paper contents of his wallet. This new man then gave the daughter his extra shirt before heading back to wherever it was that he was headed in the first place. I tried to follow, to get a quote about what I just witnessed, but he disappeared in a darkened alleyway._

_As I was starting to head back to the motel, the lights behind me lit up the street, and I turned to see this magnificent bookstore lit up like a candy shop. I found the golden glow of the lights addicting, and then I saw the heavy velvet drapes. And then- I saw you. This man who had just given another man, whom (I assume he didn’t know) the contents of his wallet, and then went into the most unlikely place that you would ever find a rough-and-tumble kind of guy. When I saw the image, I fell in love with the story, the characters, you yourself were a book that was just begging to be read. And I had to capture the moment of this bad-ass looking dude, who also happened to look lost in life, find an immediate comfort in the pages of a book. You were the reason I did my paper on bookworms._

_So that’s that on the whole, followed you to the bookstore thing. Now, onto the other thing that I wanted to talk to you about._

_Your medical bills. I’ve noticed you talking about them. And, I am so sorry, but I was there when you and Bobby were fighting about the bills in the hospital. And I want to do something for you. I want to be able to help you pay for the medical expenses. I feel like I caused some of the damage, and I am so sorry about that. I want to help._

_I’ve contacted the hospital and have set up an account within hospital guidelines that nobody can access my information, but I am able to make donations to whichever “charity” case I would like. This will help you pay for the bills, and you can’t do anything about it. You have the right to keep people from donating, but only to a certain point. After a time, if you are unable to pay your medical expenses, you become a charity case. And Dean, you are nearly there._

_Why can’t you just use the money that Bobby has offered? He seems to have enough to help you out. Why not use the money that you won in the derby while I was there? Why can’t you just accept the help from those who actually give a damn about you?!_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas, __                                        April 29_

__

_Really?! Cas! How could you listen in on that? That- this is MY life, NOT yours. And I don’t want your money! I refuse to take it from you, I don’t give a damn if it’s “charity”. My family is not a charity case. And for the record, that derby money is already gone. half of it went into Sam’s college fund, part of it went into our food savings, I paid off our electricity and water bills because they were about to be shut off, and the rest of the money is going to go to Sam as a birthday gift. BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT._

_I refuse to take your money because I don’t need it. I am doing just fine on my own!_

_People don’t give a damn about me. I am the good for nothing who barely graduated high school, who is paying out of pocket for my brothers education, and who is getting along just fine._

_Now, if you don’t mind, I would love it if you would stop meddling in my life!_

_What the hell is wrong with you Castiel?_

__

_Dean_

 

_**  
** _ _Dean, ___                   May_ 2_ __**  
**

__

_Tell your brother happy birthday for me._

_And it’s because I care about you that I did that. It’s because I care about you, and your family, what little of it you have left. I thought that we could be helpful to each other, Dean. I figured that you wouldn’t mind all too terribly much if I did something good for you, because I know that you care about me as well. Why else would you let me into your life?_

_Let Sam know that he has a gift from me in the mail._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas, ___                               _     May 5_

__

_Sam says thank you for the books. He didn’t have those ones yet, and he is really excited to read Catcher In The Rye._

_And I only let you in because you forced your way in._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean, ___                                         May_ 8_

__

_You’re the one who kept writing to me. It wasn’t my fault that you continued to write, to tell me about your life. So suck it up. Deal with the fact that people fucking care about your sorry ass._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas, ___                                         _   May 13_

__

_Such harsh language there, Cas._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean, ___                                         _   May 17_

__

_You’re one to talk…_

__

_Cas_

__**  
  
**

_Cas, ___                                         _   July 21_

__

_Please tell me that you are still there? That you still care about everything? I- I give in. Ok? There, I give up. I used the money. I ran out of my own money and couldn’t pay the bills. I even had to shut off the water. Sam has been showering at Bobby’s place, and I’ve been showering at the garage._

_I got the cast taken off, and that means that I had to get more X-rays, so that means more money._

_You aren’t the only person to set up an account for people like- well, like me. Those of us who can’t pay for these sort of things. And Cas, I can’t tell you ‘thank you’ or ‘I’m sorry’ enough. I can’t pay for these, and so many people are helping._

_I need the help._

_But really, now I’m concerned as to how you are helping pay for the MRI’s, CT scans, all of these stupid things. I know that your dad wouldn’t help. Please Castiel, tell me._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean, ___                                         _    July 26_

__

_It’s my life, and I choose to help. You want help? Ask Bobby._

_**  
**Novak_


	18. I'm Tired of Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little more touchy-feely than I am used to writing, but here you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason that it turned a little more soft is because I have several readers who are gaining comfort from my writing to distract themselves from the terror that is overtaking their country. Anyone who is in Paris, I am sending you good thoughts. I hope that this latest chapter will help you out a little bit. 
> 
> You know how I am with editing... meh...

_Cas,                                                                                                                                         August 1_

__

_Please, don’t pull that ‘Novak’ shit on me. I know that you actually do care about me, I just don’t know how to care about other people. Ok? There, I said it. I don’t know how to let people care about me because I don’t know how to care about other people. Sure, I fix Sammy dinner and make sure that he does his homework, but I don’t know how to show actual affection. that’s why every girl that I have ever been with has either run away crying or have become empty inside.I guess I just suck out their emotion and add it to my own bottomless pit of non-emotion. So there, that is why I guess I can’t let you do these things for me. But I am actually trying here Cas. I really and truly am._

_I am trying to be a better person here. I have accepted the money, I have used it for what it was supposed to be used for, I even talked to Bobby about how to be a good person. See? I am following your advice and making myself out to be a good person, both in your eyes AND in mine. So please, Castiel, help me._

_I care about you, and about Sam, and Bobby, Baby and Jo, Ellen, As, I CARE!_

_Just, please, don’t leave me. I’ve been left enough in my life, I don’t need you walking out on me as well._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                       August 4_

__

_Do you see how you ALWAYS turn everything back towards you? “I don’t-”, “I need-”, “I want-... you are so selfish, all of the time! Why am I still even writing to you? You don’t deserve it! Great, it’s awesome to know that you “care” about these people, and great that you “care” about me, but you don’t really. Now you are just saying these things to make me feel sorry for you._

_You shouldn’t be saying sorry to me- ok, well, yeah, you should, but you should be telling yourself sorry. You should be telling yourself sorry that you have to stoop down to these pathetic levels of groveling at my feet to try to make yourself feel better about being such a shitty person._

_I’ve had enough of you whining and bitching about everything in your life.Your mom died and your dad’s gone, and poor uncle Bobby has to hear you whine and gripe about everything in your sorry life. Complain to your car Dean, I am so sick and tired of hearing about your pathetic life._

__

_Novak_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                         August 9_

__

_MY sorry life?! What about you? All you can ever talk about is your dad’s newest hookup, our your little sister’s latest science fair screw up. What about the fact that you fucking called me DYSLEXIC in your news article? What about that? You know that I’m not, so why would you say that? I could always go and tell the world about how you forced me to do something completely terrifying for me, and then tried to show me off to the public for your own amusement and joy?_

_Am I your puppet? Are you the stringmaster, turning me to dance at every flick of your wrist? What about how your life sucks so much because your father wanted you to become a doctor, and you wanted to be an astronomer, so you made both of yourself unhappy by becoming a journalist. So really, Cas, are you happy? Do you put smiley-faces at the end of your messages, and hug people when you see them? Do you hold hands with every guy who doesn’t run away in fear? Because I am pretty sure that THAT is what happened at the fairgrounds._

_So don’t be saying that I gripe and complain so much when you are so not-confidant about yourself that you actually have to hold on to someone else to stand up straight. So pull yourself together, get over yourself, and deal with it._

__

_Dean_

__**  
  
**

_Dean,                                                                                                                            August 14_

__

_Oh that is SO not fair to bring up. ANY of those points._

_Yeah, it wasn’t fair for me to call you dyslexic, I know that. But how else was I supposed to explain that you can’t quite read as well as other people because words get mixed up for you, but you AREN’T dyslexic…?Yeah, I had a word count to maintain. So I am sorry if I hurt your feelings on that._

_And what the ever-living hell do you mean in that I put smiley-faces on everything? I don’t, in fact, I hate them. Emoji’s in general are weird and they creep me out a little bit._

_Why would I hold onto you when I can stand up just fine on my own? I am an adult Dean, why just so happened to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. I don’t need to lean on you or anyone to be strong. Social anxiety sucks, but I deal with it. Do you deal with yours?_

_I very much am happy. Because I got to meet my best friend, because I got to find out who the person that I have slowly fallen for looks like. Do you see that? I have fallen for you, because I know just how good of a person you can be. I also know that you erased the “I Love You” from that letter a few months back. I didn’t say thing because I didn’t want to ruin anything, but I just want to save this- whatever this is. I want to preserve the friendship, to save us. Because, I can’t go on without having this. And I am tired of fighting for what I think is right. I bet that you are also tired for trying to fight for what you think is right. Not to mention that you have to fight to keep food on the table and heat in your house, and keep clothes on his ever growing back._

_I’m tired of fighting, and I need this._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Castiel,                                                                                                                            August 20_

__

_I’m tired too. I gripe and whine and bitch, yeah, and I am sorry. I am tired of fighting too. This whole yelling-through-paper thing is getting old, and my hand keeps cramping. So yeah, I call a truce. Cas… I’m sorry._

_I need us…  I need you. You keep me right, and if you keep me right then I don’t ever want to be wrong. God, I am so tired of this Castiel._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                           August 25_

__

_You keep me right too. And Dean, I am- I’m sorry for saying those things. I can’t say that I didn’t mean them, because I absolutely did, but at least I know that what I said was totally wrong. And while your place may not have been much better off, you were right in that the yelling thing needs to stop. I don’t ever want to have to be angry with you, even though you had a right to be very angry with me._

_Uhm, as for the medical bills thing, I know I never answered that. That’s part of my savings account. Mom and dad, when I was really little, they started a savings account for all of the kids. Every time I got a job and had extra money (from mowing the lawn, painting fences, walking dogs, etc.) I put the money in there. And it grew and grew, and that’s how I am helping you pay for all of this. I have over half a million in savings._

_And I’m not trying to rub that in your face or anything, because I know how hard you are working to keep money in your pocket and be able to put food on the table, I just didn’t want you to worry about me. Besides, I checked in with the hospital and it looks like I am not the only one helping you pay for your bills. You can donate money to people who need it, and it turns out people really like your story of having to provide as a single father to your younger brother. You haven’t even really spent very much of my money. Almost everything in that account is from what other people have given you. People you don’t know. They care about the boy who has nothing, so they are giving you everything._

_You do know that is how fairy tales start, right? You’re like a fairy tale, what with people caring so much about the people that they don’t know. It’s sweet, really._

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                                         August 30_

__

_It’s not sweet, and I am no fairy tale. I am a warrior!_

__

_And, thank you for finally explaining the money thing to me. It was really getting on my nerves that I didn’t know where the money was coming from. But I do know that I would like to thank you again for giving me the money in the first place._

_And don’t worry about telling me about the amount of money that you have. You’re just trying to get the point across that you are trying to help and that you have the resources to do so._

_But no, I am not a fairy tale._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                                     September 3_

__

_You fucking look like Rapunzel. Ok, at least the whole green-eyes thing. But- nope… you look like her._

_She’s a fairy tale, Dean. So that does mean that you are one. Besides, you are strong and independent, and you would totally beat someone up with a frying pan if you had the chance. Oh, how is Sam enjoying school? School started just a few weeks ago, right?_

__

_Castiel_

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                            September 7_

__

_If I could draw well enough to flip you off, I would. So in replacement, all I can do is draw this… :P_

_See? It’s sticking its tongue out at you!_

_Ok, seriously though. Sam is already doing really well. High school is treating him well. He has the highest marks of anyone else in his class- I know because I had Ash look into it. That kid is a fucking genius when it comes to cracking firewalls and shit. But yeah, he’s doing well. He made friends with this one kid who is a little socially awkward, but is also really smart._

_Dude, I swear that Sam is growing everyday! I nearly have to give him my own pants because he is almost too tall for his own good. I swear to you Cas, he is going to be taller than us one day. I know it! I bet that at his graduation, he is going to look like giants standing over us._

_Well, I guess that’s what we get when dad was 6’2, and Bobby says that mom was at least 5’7- I guess I come from a tall family._

_Anyways, I have to go. I know this was short but Sam just said that he needs to get two tickets for homecoming, and I think he has a crush on someone! I’ll talk to you later Cas, I am really glad that we got through our- whatever this was. Differences? Yeah, that works. Anyways, I have to help him pick out a suit!_

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                             September 12_

__

_Are you saying that you see us being together at his graduation, four years into the future? And yeah, holy shit he is going to be tall._

_Dean? I would love to be there with you at his graduation. You know that he is going to be valedictorian. He is already smart enough. Just keep him on the right track and I bet that he can do it._

_Wish him luck at Homecoming- I never got to go to those dances. I never had any girl or guy to ask, and even then, fewer friends to go with as a group. I went to senior prom “stag”, but that wasn’t fun. Don’t let his life be like that._

_As for me, I do have something to tell you. The “:P” is an emoji, and you totally just used it. I personally hate them, and the only reason that that last letter isn’t burning is because you wrote it. So the reason that I want to burn it is the reason that I want to keep it._

_I need these letters to keep my sanity. Ok, so LAST thing, I promise. I have kept every letter you have ever sent. They are in order from the first one that I received, all the way until last week’s. So saying that I care about them, and about you, is an understatement._

_I’ll talk to you later, Dean._

_**  
**Cas_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who liked the Rapunzel input thing? You know, because Jensen totally has her eyes, and he would SO beat people up with a frying pan... Can we ask the writers to let him do that?


	19. See You Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little less formal with the way that it was written, what with it being in like, three different styles, but I thought that I should change it up a little bit. I hope that you guys enjoy it. I know that I actually do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt that this chapter gets to be a little gooey, which I am not a fan of, but I must admit that I did a bang-up job on this piece. I have just been rocking out chapters like none other! So, yeah, this chapter tugs at the heartstrings a little bit. I'm not really sorry that so much of this is about Sam, but you will understand why he has been such a big player to the game these past few chapters. I am almost sure that you have figured it out anyways, but here you go. I hope you see what I am throwing out there for you guys. I like it, and I hope that you do too.
> 
> You know my editing style, so you if you see anything major that's amiss, let me know!

*Four years later*

“So, Dean and I are still talking, but with me here in school, it’s been a little harder to keep on top of talking. I plan on going to his little brother’s graduation. It’s only in about a month or so.” Castiel looked over his wire framed glasses at the two people across from him, kids from his english class that had joined him in the library. Of course, they had to sit down right when he was in the middle of his latest letter to Dean, making sure he knew that Sam would be seeing him on graduation day. He wiggled his pen between his pointer finger and thumb, tapping the end on the paper. His satchel sat next to him on the empty chair to his left, where Dean’s letter sat in a plastic sheet cover. The girl spoke up first.

“Ok, so I get that you had this falling out over the period of a few months, but why did you ever forgive him? He sounds like a total douche to me.” She glanced to the guy on her right, his blonde hair fell into his eyes.

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” He swirled the coffee in his mug, the sound of it swishing sending Castiel into slight panic mode for fear of a drop landing on his paper.

“Well, yeah, he is. But he is my douche, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Carding the fingers of his left hand through his hair, he took a quick glance out of the window to see that the sun was finally starting to set.

“Why didn’t you ever switch to texting, or emails? Handwriting is so much harder. Not saying that you don’t have pretty handwriting, because you do, but why?” Austin, that was his name, looked down at the paper in confusion. Castiel looked back over at them and realized that they were all copies of one another. Each was dressed semi-formally, Sydney in a skirt and a nice top, Austin in nice jeans and a button up. Why did they all have to be such sticklers about making good impressions?

“Because it’s- it’s become a sentimental act for myself. And for Dean, as far as I know. It’s how we started writing, way back in third grade. I like it because I type all of my other papers for our professors, and it’s nice to just get back to the roots of life. Like, how I learned early on how to write in cursive, and it’s how I’ve been writing to him since I was able to make it legible. It’s also calming- come on, you guys are journalists! You know what it’s like to just hold a pen in your hand and write forever and ever. It’s freeing!”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense, Castiel. So what- if I may ask, is this latest letter about?” Sydney was quite inquisitive, and that was a good trait for an investigative reporter, but not when it came to the personal affects of others. She peered down her hook nose to the letter. At first, Castiel slid his arm over the page, hiding it from her prying eyes, but eventually he let up. Afterall, this letter wasn’t all that personal. At least, not yet.

_“Dean,                                                                                                                                              April 20_

__

_I can’t believe that little Sammy is already graduating! It feels just like yesterday that he got that participation medal in soccer- when he was just about the height of our knees! Wow, I feel like his big brother. Then again I should be worrying about Anna graduating, and not Sam. No- she already graduated, what am I saying? Oh well, I am just so excited!_

_Of course I will be there! I wouldn’t miss Sam being valedictorian for anything! I will find a way to get out of classes for that day, hell, maybe even for a few days so that I can spend some time with you guys. If he is really as tall as you say he is, he is going to be MASSIVE compared to me. I never did get to meet him when we met- did he get your bowlegs or are you the only one to get those? I’m just curious…_

_So hey, what should I get him as a graduation present? Considering that he was accepted to both Stanford and Harvard on a full ride for law, what does a lowly journalist get the future lawyer for his brother who will probably end up knocking someone important out because they didn’t like the work you did on their car? Because let’s face it, that would totally happen._

_And by the way, don’t tell Jo I said this, but I saw the picture you sent of her kill… she’s not a very good shot. That was a messy kill, you could have done better with a little knife-_

“That’s all I have of this letter so far. Sam graduates in almost exactly one month, and I am so going to get there. I will see him walk down that aisle and deliver his valedictorian speech. I feel responsible for the kid somehow.” He leaned back in his chair, although it wasn’t really suited for relaxation. He set the paper down on the table, close enough to him that he could grab it from either set of their grubby hands. He had gotten quite picky about who could touch his paper, especially if their hands weren’t clean. No, it wasn’t OCD, it was just- Dean deserved the best.

“I think that it’s pretty awesome that you are still in contact with him, he sounds like an awesome guy. And congrats to his brother for doing so well in life. That’s a major accomplishment.”

“I know, Syd. Even I didn’t graduate as valedictorian, didn’t even make salutatorian. But oh well, Sam deserves it. And Dean deserves the joy of having something awesome like this happen in his life.”

“Well it’s cool that you are there for him for everything. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to keep up a conversation with someone for more than an hour before I get bored.”

“Well that’s because you have a thick skull, Austin.”

“Oh shut it Syd-”

“Guys? Hey, I need to finish this letter and then I have to get to studying. I have a major test tomorrow in my creative writing class. Thanks for the support and for listening, but I really need to focus here.” He tried to give the duo a warm smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. They did however get the hint and stood from the table, saying a quick ‘goodbye’ before wandering off to another corner of the room to bother someone else. He sighed in relief as he was once again surrounded by the quiet. He bent his head back over his paper and continued writing.

_So yeah, you could have done better. Anyways, I just wanted to make sure you knew that I am proud of you. You got Sammy all this way. You are the reason that he even went to school, and now he is graduating as valedictorian to his class- the highest grade point average above all of his peers, not to mention that he was very involved with student council and debate (that one was a given though… haha). He’s done so much good in this world, and it’s all because of you._

_I can’t wait to see you again. Four years, it’s been about four years since we have seen each other. That’s crazy to think about. Is it weird to say that I miss you even though we talk every week?_

_Oh hey, I have a major test tomorrow. I have to get to studying. Can’t wait to hear what Sam says about the fact that I am going to be there. Or is that going to be a surprise? You know what? I don’t care, it’s up to you if you tell him that I am coming or not._

_I will see you in a month! Tell me what to get him!_

__

_Cas_

__

He carefully folded the letter and placed it into the awaiting envelope that he had in his bag. He carefully licked it closed, wrote down the long memorized address of Dean’s apartment and set it aside. It was almost 10 at night before he got out of the library and managed to drop the letter into the mailbox outside of his dorm room.

And it was the usual few days later that he got the return letter.

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                               April 25_

__

_I am going to let it be a surprise for him to see you. I am sure that he is going to tackle you when he figures out who you are though. THAT would be both funny and painful to watch. Speaking of painful, yeah- Jo’s shot to that buck was poor and messy. Thanks for the confidence that I could do better with less._

_As for what Sam wants as graduation gifts, I already got him the big thing that he wanted. A rolex watch- that hurt like hell to buy, had to give up dinner for three weeks in order to pay for it in time. But it was SO worth it, and it’s only going to get better when I see his face when he gets it. He would also like something like the book-bag that you have. What is that called? I don’t know, but I know that he was looking at them last time we went to Barnes-And-Noble. But those are even the cheap ones and I don’t think that I would be able to get that on top of the watch. But mostly he would just like some extra money so that he can run off as soon as he gets out of high school so that he can go to his fancy college-of-choice. That’s going to be hard, having to say goodbye to him. I won’t have anyone but Bobby to talk to. And you of course, but that’s a little different. It’s not the same talking through letters as it is face-to-face._

_I’ll talk to you soon._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                            April 29_

__

_That day that I wrote that last letter to you, I was sitting in the library here at UC, there was a duo, a guy and a girl, who asked if it would have been easier to just call each other or email. I told them that we still wrote because it was the nostalgia that kept us going with the handwriting the letters thing. But I do understand why they asked, just the same as I understand that you are unsure as to how you are going to survive with Sam going away to college. And besides, if he goes to Harvard, he will be closer to me, which means that you can visit him and just stay here with me. That would be pretty easy to do, I would think._

_I got him his gift, by the way. I won’t tell you what it is, even though I bet that you already know what I got him, huh? Yeah, but I am still not going to write it and I won’t ever say if you are wrong or right in your guess. So it’s better to not guess… That took a lot of work to say. Oh well, I don’t have a word count to meet with these letters. So that means that I can ramble as much as I want._

_I told my professors that I will be taking a few days away from school to spend with my family, as my little brother is graduating from high school and that I need to be there to support him and my family. He doesn’t know my family at all so I’m not really lying all that much… because you guys kind of are my family. Even though I have only met you once and have yet to meet my “little brother”. It still totally worked though. I just have to remind my professors about it the day before I go so that I can get the makeup work that I need for the classes. I am going to have quite a bit of homework to do as makeup, but it is so going to be worth it. I will be heading down there the night before, getting a hotel, and then I will be meeting you there at the event center. How big did you say his graduating class was? About 450 students, I think that’s what you said. I don’t have that letter right beside me so I can’t tell you exactly but I do know that I am fairly close._

_I have to run, just remembered that I need to study for my Lit class. I’ll catch you later!_

__

_Cas_

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                        May 3_

__

_You are going to be spending a night in a hotel, when you could just be with me and- oh. Ok, that makes sense, especially if you just wanted to make sure that it was a surprise for him that you come to the graduation. Ok, I get it._

_So- this is really happening. i’ll give you directions at the end of this letter of a nearby hotel and of the convention center. And only just stay the one night at the hotel, you are going to be staying at my place the rest of the time that you are here. How long are you staying here, Cas? One more night? Two? I need to know so that I can figure out what to do with the garage and Bobby. I know that sounds kind of mean, but if you are going to be here, I really want to just have time with you, with Bobby, maybe you will even get to meet Ellen and Jo and all of them! Dude, that would be awesome._

_So anyways, I don’t really have much else to say because by the time you send the next letter you will be on your way down here. So I will tell you this. Dress semi-formal to the graduation, and I am guessing that we are going to go to a bunny-food place for his dinner, so it would be wise to eat a little something before hand. Um, don’t forget underwear, they are kind of important. And it shouldn’t be cold or anything, but bring a light jacket just in case. And I really feel like a parent at this particular moment, but bring your toothbrush- smelly breath does not go over well for health-junkie Sam._

_Ok, I really need to stop writing before I start wearing dresses and calling myself Deanna. I’ll see you soon Cas! Man, I am excited._

_By the way, the ceremony starts at about 10:30 am, so get there early._

__

_Dean_

__

_Dean,                                                                                                                                        May 8_

__

_So, it’s not quite time for me to head out yet, I do still have a few more days. But thank you for the caring advice, it’s sweet to see this caring side of you. I usually only get to read the “rough-and-tumble”  Dean, never the “overly-concerned-parent” Dean. I would say it’s cute but I feel like you would end up punching me as soon as I got out of my car to greet you guys._

_And I would love to be able to officially meet Jo, other than her just like, running up out of nowhere and tackling us. That was a bit of a shocker when she just started bombarding me with questions. Maybe I will get to see her non fangirl side. And I believe that it would be an honor to meet Ellen and everyone else in your family. They seem very close to me even though you guys do live so far away. I hope that we all get to sit next to each other at the graduation ceremony. That would be amazing. The entire extended, if not related, family._

_Dude, did I ever tell you that at my graduation, there was a kid that I had never seen before, that nearly fell off the stage because he was shaking so badly? Yeah, that was pretty funny to see. I am pretty sure that the entire stage was shaking right along with him. It was a little pathetic, but oh well. I can’t change the past._

_Speaking of which, who would have thought that we would end up here? I literally watched Sam grow up. From the first few letters where I only really learned his name and that he was a messy child, all the way to when he went to prom with the most popular girl in the school, the fact that he and Jessica are STILL together, and that he is now going to be graduating as valedictorian of his class. I feel old Dean, and I didn’t even see him, just read about it. Thinking back, you told me quite a bit about him. Like the way he was so into soccer, and that one time when we were in middle school and he shoved a noodle up his nose, and his teacher had to call you in order to figure out how to get it out because he wouldn’t let anyone but the “Hunter” take it out. Or how about his first homecoming? That was at the end of our last massive fight. He took that girl Ruby, right? I wasn’t too fond of her, at least not in the way that you portrayed her. Or his first official kiss when he was a sophomore- that was… Meg. Yeah._

_But I am glad that he has Jess to call his own. Maybe they will even go to school together, maybe start a life._

_Hey Dean? Have you ever thought about starting a life? Like, finding someone you really care about, putting a ring on their finger, and having them call you theirs for the rest of your lives? Maybe even starting a family, having a kid, getting a dog. A white picket fence and a little house with a lawn… do you ever think about stuff like that? Because I know that I do, and as much as I want it, I don’t see a future for me. The only people who get me are other journalists, and I don’t understand them as much as they get me. Why are they SO antisocial? I get that I can be a bit of a recluse, but it would be cool to have people to go out with sometimes. Someone to come home to, but still be able to go out with them- I must be feeling really lonely here at UC. Why am I talking about starting a family? Probably because I am 24 and feel like my entire life has been studying, tests, sleep, and the studying some more. I want to live, have a life with someone I love. Someone who gets me, who knows my every thought and emotion even better than I do._

_Ok, well, can you believe it? I have a math test in the morning. I don’t get why journalists have to take math. We never do anything that has to involve numbers, unless it is statistics about politicians, but I don’t plan on being a political reporter. That is too boring, even for me. So yeah, I have to go. See you soon. I am really excited too!_

__

_Cas_

__

_Cas,                                                                                                                        May 11_

__

_I’ve been thinking about a family too. I know that I am good with kids, after all, I have been a parent since I was about 5. So yeah, I have thought about it. Maybe not the white picket fence thing, but someone sturdy. Four walls, a good roof, I don’t even care if it’s an apartment. I want someone to call mine, and to be called someone’s. I want someone to go home to also. I want a family where I can just be myself, and have them accept my flaws and imperfections. God knows I have enough of them… But yeah, Cas, I feel the same way._

_I have a question… and I hope that you don’t get offended or anything by it, but I am insanely curious. If there were nobody else in the world that knew you better, if there was nobody else that you would trust with you life… would you ever think of us getting together? Because, think about it. We already know our major flaws of the other. We know what irks us, what makes us excited. We know what makes us fall in and out of love. We know exactly who the other is, and we accept the other for who he is. It’s just that we know each other so well already that we wouldn’t even have to try to be comfortable- we just, are._

_And I think that I would be OK with it. And I am not saying that you are a last resort or anything, because you could never be someone’s last choice, but, honestly. I wouldn’t mind spending a long time with you. Granted, having a life outside of letters in the mail is a little different, but I would be willing to give it a shot._

_Man, I really hope that I didn’t just blow our friendship or anything with that. Because I don’t want our friendship to end. It’s come close to that a few times, and I have always gotten really depressed because of it. And I just hope that at some point, some way, that we could just learn what it’s like to live with each others company._

_Sam just asked me what tie he should wear to graduation. I have to go help him. See you soon._

__

_Dean_

  
And indeed he would see him soon. Because on the day that the letter arrived in the mail was the day that Castiel packed up his little car and headed out. Of course, he didn’t drive off without opening and reading the letter first. Determination set itself upon his face, and as he began the long drive to Lawrence, Kansas, he knew exactly what he would do when he saw Dean. But first, Heat Of The Moment by Asia had just come on. And that was an awesome song to rock out to on his way to see his favorite person in the entire world.


	20. Letters In The Mail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grand finale of Letters In The Mail.
> 
> I have to say that I fell in love with this as I was writing it. This may not be the ending that you wanted, but I felt that it was right. There may or may not be an epilogue in the future concerning our boys as they become adults, but don't count on it.
> 
> This is officially my longest work, and I love it more than anything in the world. I wish you guys the best with your own school careers and college/university lives. I hope that you all find someone that you can share everything with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that it's over. I've spent months on this and I can't believe that I wrote every single word of this. This chapter is at least double what all the other ones are (give or take a few thousand words). I hope you guys liked this as much as I did. I know for a fact that my FrenchFans did. Feel free to talk to me whenever, girls. I'll miss talking to you on a constant basis. 
> 
> Please don't hate me for ending this. I hate myself enough for ending it, but every good thing must come to an end. I am content with how this turned out. Have a wonderful time going back and reading it all as one long book now. I know that I will.
> 
> I'll miss you all. Until the next fic, that is.

The motel was a little dingy, but it was clean enough for just a single night. It was a little dingy and he wasn’t sure if he could trust the bedsheets, but it wasn’t all that bad. Besides, it was only two minutes away from the place where Sam would be graduating. So the drive wouldn’t be hard, but finding parking would be horrible. So he settled in for the night, thoroughly shaking out the sheets before crawling into the bed. He lay his weary head to rest as the long journey finally caught up to him, enveloping his body in sleep.

The morning came far too quickly for Castiel, those stupid birds screaming outside of his window. Ugh, the mornings were always the worst. He was just about to pull the covers over his head when he remembered what today was. Sam was graduating. But more importantly- today he was going to get to see Dean again. That was enough incentive to cause him to literally throw the covers off of his bed and for him to hop almost across the room. He shed his current clothes of a pair of sweatpants and an old tee shirt so that he could dig through his bag to find what he was going to wear to the graduation. A pair of pressed black slacks, a blue button up shirt (he rolled the sleeves up to his elbows), and a black blazer that he would take, but probably wouldn’t need. He pulled on a pair of black socks and then slipped into some nice black shoes. Was this too formal? Well, Dean said to dress nicely because they would be going somewhere nice after they were done. Either way he would have his bag with him so that if he needed to change he could.

Castiel was just about to walk out of the door so that he could head over to the center early for a good parking spot, but caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror- yikes! Wait, he couldn’t even see. Where were his glasses? He grabbed them out of his bag and slipped them on, and yeah, his hair was a mess. But seeing as how he needed to get to the center so that he could watch Sam get his diploma, he didn’t have time more than to just run his fingers through it quickly before he had to leave. But never mind that, he needed to get going. He slung his duffel over his shoulder and left the motel, returning the key of his room to the front desk as he made his way out to his ‘78 Lincoln Continental Mark V- and even though it was an awkward mustard yellow color, was it overall pretty nice. It ran decently, but it was nowhere near the Impala. His got him from point A to point B though, and that’s really all that mattered. He tossed his duffel into the trunk and climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Really? They are playing Cherry Pie? Ugh, seriously, they need to update their songs.” He switched the radio off, then thought about it and turned it back on. That was a pretty good song. It was just finishing up as he pulled out onto the highway. For Those About To Rock began pouring out of the speakers as he merged into the right lane and exited onto 57th. It was less than a mile to the event center and he was there in no time, head banging along to AC/DC as he pulled into a parking space. Already there were dozes of cars, but he was pretty sure that he had the oldest car in the lot. Wait- not anymore. He was just getting out of his lemon car when he heard a familiar roar behind him. He didn’t even have to look to know that was the Impala. It wasn’t only the massively loud engine that gave it away, but the fact that he could hear the sweet melodies of Bad Luck wafting out from the speakers. And it cut off quickly, just in time for Castiel to hear-

“Cas? Cas!” He turned around and nearly ran into Dean, whose arms were extended in a waiting hug, to which he quickly fell into.

“Dean.” It was less of an acknowledgement than a sigh of relief. He was here. “Four years. Four very long years.” They simply held each other as more cars filed past and found spots. They heard someone wolf-whistle at them and they broke apart, chuckling at the hilarity of the situation.

“I- Cas, you’re actually here! I didn’t expect you to not come, I just didn’t think that life was real these past few months talking about you coming here again. What about school? You talked to your professors, right? Don’t be getting in trouble because of me-”

“Dean. Everything is sorted out. Now relax, it’s not me that you should be worrying about.” Castiel all but smacked up upside the head for completely ignoring his brother and focusing on him instead. But Dean’s green eyes swam with confusion as he looked at Castiel blankly. “Sam.” Dean still looked lost. “Dude, it’s your brother’s graduation day, and I don’t think that he would be very happy if you completely ignored him on the greatest day of his life so far to converse with me in a parking lot that is quickly filling.” Dean’s mouth fell into an ‘o’ shape and he nodded.

“Hey, when did you get glasses?” He went to poke at them but Castiel gently swatted his hand away.

“They are for reading and driving. My eyesight has gotten a little blurry as of late. I think that’s why I’ve been squinting so much.”

“I even noticed you squinting all those years ago at the carnival. I didn’t realize that you eyesight was so bad.”

“Well, it’s not bad but it’s not that good. Either way, we need to get going so that we can find seats. How many do we have to save?” They locked their respective cars, Dean chuckling at Castiel’s Continental, and then they headed inside together. He held up a hand to count out how many would be here.

“Well, there’s two of us, and then Ellen and Jo, that’s four. Bobby should be coming, so five. Yeah, just the five of us.” They made their way inside of the event center and meandered through the hallway, trying to figure out where would be the best shot for pictures. The found a set of seats right near the stage but back far enough that they could get good pictures of the event.

“Come on, let’s go grab those before anyone else does. Have you texted Jo or anyone to tell them that we have seats?” They carefully watched their steps for the stairs were petty steep. They slid into the seats, one at each end of the section that they were saving.

“Uh, no. Should I?” Castiel gave him a ‘well, duh’ look and nodded. He took the moment to look over Dean properly. He hadn’t been able to do that since he was so busy with trying to make sure that Dean was breathing and focusing on placing one foot in front of the other without falling flat on his pretty little face. His hair was longer. Not shaggy, but about an inch longer than when he had last seen him. He had on clean black jeans and a black tee. Over the tee, he had a maroon button up that was only halfway buttoned, and hung open at the top. He had his black boots on but they had been polished to a shine. Castiel would bet that he had just used some grease from a car or something to make them shiny. He was wearing a watch. It was fairly nice, but Castiel spotted a large scratch across the face that stated that it was used and slightly older. He had gotten tanner. Not only was the golden hue of his skin being shown off, but Castiel could really see his freckles that were splattered across his face, and neck, and arms-

“You getting an eyeful there, Cas?” He looked up quickly and met the emerald eyes that he had missed for so long.

“Just taking in the fact that this is real. You’ve changed a little bit. Your hair is longer.” Silence.

“Yeah. I let it grow out a little bit. But it’s still not as long as Sam’s. It’s pretty impressive.” Silence.

“Nice. So is he really taller than you? That doesn’t seem possible, because you’re taller than me and that mean’s that he is like, way taller than me. If he’s way taller than me, than he must be massive compared to Bobby. Because I’m a little taller than him an-”

“Castiel?” He paused his talking, looking back up to his pen-pal. There was a happy little smile that had spread itself upon his face.

“Yeah?” Castiel tilted his head to the side as Dean made his way close to him, nearly invading his personal space.

“I missed you.” He ducked his head, trying to hide the small blush that had crept up his neck. And Castiel’s reply was swallowed by a cheer as the graduating class began its entrance into the arena.

“I missed you too, Dean.”

“Dean! Castiel? Hey there kids.” The gruff voice behind Castiel caused him to jump a little bit, but that was just Bobby. He turned to see the older man, who now had a few more grey hairs to his name than the last time they had met. “It’s good to see you again, boy. Welcome back.” They shook hands briefly and Bobby slid into his seat. “Ellen and Jo should be here any second. They were right behind me, but stopped to say ‘hi’ to Jess’ parents.” The kids were still filing in, but Sam was nowhere to be seen.

“Well your name is at the end of the alphabet, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see that he is one of the last to come in.”

“Well, he told me the the valedictorian and the salad-torian and the poet and all of them come in last.” Castiel glanced at the man next to him. He had a few wrinkles around his eyes.

“Salad-torian? Do you mean the salutatorian?”

“Yeah! That! All of them come in after everyone else. I don’t know why, but they do. I guess they also get to sit at the front of the stage with the teachers and them. They are super important. Sam is super important.” Dean was nearly bouncing in place, and Castiel threaded his fingers through Dean’s to help him calm down and focus. Dean looked at him quickly, his eyes whispering a quick ‘thanks’ before turning back to the crowd.

“Dean-o! And Cas! Hey mom, this is Castiel Novak. Do you remember that kid that Dean has been sending letters to for the past 14 years? Yeah, this is him. This is the pen-pal that Dean fell in lo-”

“Ellen, Castiel. Castiel, this is my surrogate mother, Ellen Harvelle. She raised me just as much as Bobby did.” Castiel dropped Dean’s hand to take Ellen’s. It was soft, but there were callouses that were years old. She was a hardworking woman, he could tell that right away.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ellen. I know enough about you that I can formally thank you for steering Dean onto the right path. It meant a lot to me that he had a mother figure in his life.”

“Why, boy, aren’t you just the sweetest thing. It was my pleasure to help him become a man.” She had a voice that was whiskey filled, and Castiel couldn’t be sure if he could smell whiskey or if that was just his imagination. Her brown hair had a few streaks of grey in it, but it didn’t make her look old, it made her look slightly intimidating. Kind of like she could beat you up with love. That was how he would describe her. And Jo looked as amazing as ever. She had on a black dress that showed off a little more back than he would have chosen, but who was he to judge Dean’s “sister”?

“Oh look! There he is!” Castiel couldn’t tell at first who Dean was pointing at, as the last line of kids that filed through the door were all wearing yellow robes instead of black.

“Which one is he?” Castiel scooted closer to Dean to try to follow his line of sight.

“The super tall one with the long hair. HEY, BITCH!” Several parents surrounding them gave them a cold look, and Castiel couldn’t help but join them. But one of the kids looked up, and Castiel knew right away. while they didn’t look completely alike, he could tell that Sam was Dean’s brother. Maybe it was the overly large smile that painted itself on his face as he saw the group of people cheering for him.

The beginning of the ceremony went on for a while, with the teachers having to give their speeches and the school district people had to talk. It was much like his own graduation. The class poet went next, and then the class song was sung by the choir. And then the time came. Castiel could tell that Sam about to speak because his left arm went numb by Dean punching it a few times in a row to gain his attention to the stage- it was already there, so again, Castiel took hold of Dean’s hand.  When he laced their fingers together, it was as though he had never left. He felt home.

“Hello. I am Sam Winchester, this year’s valedictorian. Now, I could be up here to tell you about how life is just starting for us, and how we have our entire future ahead of us to plan everything. But I don’t tend to lie about those things. So, let’s start again.

“Our lives have not been easy these past four years. You see, our teachers have each given us at least two hours of homework, or at least to spend two hours on it to study. Now multiply that two hours by six, maybe seven classes. They also expected us to get eight hours of sleep every night and to participate in extracurricular activities. Don’t forget to join an arts class. We are expected to perform at a top notch ability while our social lives are non-existent.

“But the school boards don’t account for our social lives. They don’t account for if our family is broken. They don’t account for if we have a job. They don’t account for us falling in love. Nor do they account for bullies and tormentors, deaths or births, and they certainly don’t account for those students who don’t have a home.” Dean’s hand had grown tighter around Castiel’s… this speech was about his family and he was not going to cry. So Castiel ignored the way that his green eyes were misting over. And he tried not to wipe at his own eyes getting a little watery. This was his brother too, after all. “They account for the privileged, the families who are whole, who have money… they account for those who are sane.

“It’s almost beautiful that we hang ourselves with our graduation cords. Or cut ourselves with our diplomas. We burn ourselves with our transcript.

“But our lives aren’t beautiful. They are messy, and diseased, and eroding away beneath us. Yet here we stand… atop the rubble of our lives. We stand on the grades we earned. We stand on this stage facing our loved ones, just to show that we have earned a piece of paper.

“Our grades are all over the board. They are ‘D’s and ‘A’s. They are ‘accepted’ and ‘declined’. They are good and bad- our grades aren’t that different from who we are as people.”

“You see, those who are privileged, they tend to do better in school. Those who are underprivileged, they tend to be worse off. But high school- these high school students who I face at this moment, we never let our backgrounds define us.

“Like myself- I stand here as valedictorian to the 2015 graduating class. But my life is far from perfect. I no longer have biological parents. My brother raised me, and he is only four years older than myself. He gave up his life so that I may have one. I will be the first in my family to attend a four year college, let alone college at all. I grew up not always having heat, or electricity, or even food on the table. I grew up learning how to fight to get what I wanted because things were never given to me. And now? Now I have been offered a full ride scholarship to bother Stanford and Harvard Law schools. Our history doesn’t dictate our future, nor should our perceived future dictate our present.

“Our teachers don’t account for us being better than we were expected to be. They don’t account for us winning science fairs and being at the top of our class when we weren’t even expected to graduate. And this is because we didn’t let our past define us. We didn’t let sex, gender, class, looks, intelligence, or even our families define who we want to be, who we are going to be.

“No, our lives haven’t been easy. We have been overworked from day one, and yet we sit here as proof that they can’t destroy us with their mountains of work. High school students are resilient, we are courageous to stand up to our teachers, look them in the eye after being handed a pile of homework and say ‘thank you’.

“So I would like you all to look at your family members at this moment, and take a few seconds to make eye contact, let them know that they are the reason you are here today. That you fought for this diploma tooth-and-nail.” It was at this moment that Sam looked up from his paper to find Dean. They held eye contact for a moment before Sam looked down at his joined hand with Castiel’s. He smiled even larger and nodded his approval before turning back to his speech. “You see, our teachers can’t keep us down. Our parents can’t choose who we are going to be. And under no circumstance should you ever feel inferior for the amazing fact that we have done it. We have graduated high school. Thank you.” Sam walked away from the podium to the uproarious applause from not only the students, but from the parents as well.

The rest of the speeches seemed to fly by to Castiel. And soon enough, the graduating class was walking across stage. Castiel pulled out his camera, ready to take lots of pictures of Sam as he made his way across the stage.

“Ansem Weber.” Applause, and Castiel’s hand nearly popped off as Dean squeezed it. Sam was two people away. “Ava Wilson.” Dean let go of Castiel’s hand to stand up, getting ready for Sam. Castiel set the camera up to his eye, quickly focusing it. “Samuel Winchester.” Castiel nearly lost focus as Dean began screaming in his ear, cheering for Sam and he made his way across the stage. Castiel snapped photo after photo, and it was only when he was standing next to the principal that he noticed just how tall “his” little brother was. He was at least a full head taller than him. That was pretty impressive. Dean didn’t sit down until Sam was safely in his seat at the back of the arena. And when he finally did sit, Castiel couldn’t help but hear Dean mutter “bitch” under his breath one last time. But he didn’t say anything. He knew that he and Dean were different, this just must have been another little thing that Dean did when he was nervous or something.

As the ceremony came to a close, the students were asked to stand, place the tassels to the left side of their hats, and then were officially recognized as graduated students. They watched as Sam tossed his hat. It flew about three feet higher than everyone else's, and that’s just because he was so much taller than everyone. It was pretty funny in fact. Castiel snapped a few more pictures of that moment for their little family. But his camera was nearly knocked out of his hand when Dean turned to him, grabbing onto his shoulders tightly with both hands.

“What, Dean?” He looked positively scared to death.

“I didn’t take photos… Sam is going to kill me!” Castiel chuckled and held up his camera between them.

“I got plenty. I took photos, Dean. You are not going to die. It was your job to cheer for him. You’re his brother. It’s OK.” Dean took a breath and looked at the large camera that was being held up to his nose. He nodded, smiling in relief. They took some time to look through the photos as people around them flooded out of the center to meet their students.

“Cas, you know that you rock, right? That you absolutely rock.” Castiel smiled wider and bent back over the camera to show Dean a few more photos that he snapped of Sam. He didn’t realize just how close their heads (and faces were) until Ellen beside them cleared her throat, indicating that they should get going. They looked up, and brushed noses as they did so. Looking around, the arena was nearly empty. So they stood and packed their things. They quickly made their way from the center to meet up with Sam, who Castiel spotted awkwardly standing on his own by a door.

“Dean!” Sam saw Dean pushing through the crowd and the slammed into each other, wrapping the other in a hug that would surely pop the head off of anybody else they did that to. They stayed like that for a moment before Dean pulled away. “I’m proud of us, Sammy.” Castiel watched in awe as Sam stood to his full height, not that he had to duck that much to reach Dean, but there was an obvious height difference.

“Wow, Dean, you really are the short one.” He couldn’t help it, those words just kind of fell out of his mouth. He watched as Sam looked over at him.

“You’re- you’re Castiel.” Castiel shrunk into his skin a little bit as Sam ditched his “big” brother to come over to him, wrapping him up in a massive hug as well. Castiel stood for a moment, and then returned it. “Thank you for coming.” They released and Sam went and made his rounds with Ellen, Bobby and finally, Jo. During the time that Sam was talking to the extended family, Dean sidled up next to Castiel.

“So, that totally just happened.” He looked up at his younger brother as he saw his girlfriend Jessica. “That really was an amazing speech he made. I am so proud of him.” Castiel took one step closer to his pen-pal, their shoulder brushing as a large group of people hurried past.

“I’m proud of him too. And I’m proud of you, Dean.” Dean glanced at him, confusion swimming across his face.

“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.” Castiel sent him an incredulous look, shutting him up fairly quickly.

“Are you kidding me? I have fourteen years of letters that say otherwise, Dean. You raised Sam from a baby. You know as fully as I do that John didn’t raise that boy. You were his parent, his protector, his brother, his everything, for his entire life. You raised him. You made him into the man that he is today. You should give yourself every piece of credit for who Sam is today.” The look that Dean gave him was so full of emotion that he nearly couldn’t contain it. His eyes had begun to water again. And before he knew it, Castiel was enveloped in the kind of hug that Sam had gotten not a few minutes ago. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle, he Dean had wrapped his own arms around Castiel’s shoulders. They broke apart regretfully as Castiel mentioned that they should get pictures done.

“Yeah, yeah you’re right.” They followed their small group of family out to the courtyard where a bunch of others were taking photos. First they set Sam up on his own, and then Dean and Sam, and then Ellen, Bobby and Sam. From there it was Sam, Dean and Jo. And then everyone. Jess walked over after a minute and insisted that Sam and her just get one picture together. One turned into three, and five, and finally Jess’ parents began to look for her. Her father came up to Castiel and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Would you like me to take a photo so that you can get in there with your family?” They were about the same height, Castiel maybe an inch taller than him.

“Oh no thank you, I’m not really a part of their family.” Dean chose that exact moment to show up.

“Are you kidding me? Thanks Mike. Castiel is a part of this family. He is getting in here.” Castiel carefully gave his camera to Mike, and showed him quickly how to use it. He almost didn’t get to finish before Dean literally pulled him over to Sam. It was the three of them at first, the three boys, with Sam in the middle. The graduated senior used their shoulders as arm rests, laughing the entire time. They then invited Jessica into the photo. Sam wrapped an arm around her waist, and Dean placed an arm over Castiel’s shoulders. They looked like a couple… what was going on? But it was too late, the photo was taken and Sam’s stomach rumbled in protest of not having eaten breakfast.

“Can we go and eat? I really want to go to the Roadhouse. I could do with a good burger right now.” Sam’s voice was just a few pitches higher than Dean’s and not quite as rocky. Castiel noticed that his eyes were changing color with the way that he faced the sun. Sometimes they were blue, then sometimes green, and once they even flashed brown. Stupid hazel eyes, confusing the crap out of people for as long as there had been hazel eyes.

“Yeah Sam, we can do that. Jessica would you like to join us?” Ellen spoke out to the group. But Jessica shook her head, her blonde hair falling over her shoulder.

“Thanks, but no thank you Ellen. My parents and I are going to go meet up with my cousins who are in town today. They couldn’t make the graduation but I want to hang out with them for a little while.” Ellen nodded and patted her shoulder before turning and heading out to the parking lot with Bobby and Jo.

“Hey Dean, do you want me to get a picture of you with Cas?” Mike had returned the camera and Castiel was fiddling with the lense, trying to get a stray piece of fuzz out of the frame. Sam was looking over their shoulders, watching Jessica walk away with her family.

“Sure. Thanks Sammy.”

“It’s Sam, jerk.”

“Whatever, bitch.” Castiel rolled his eyes at the comments playing back and forth between the two brothers. Sam reached over Castiel’s shoulder to pluck the camera from his hand, and then more or less shoved the duo together.

“I don’t see how this is productive…?” Castiel tried to complain but when Dean placed a hand over his mouth he couldn’t help but give up.

“Because it’s been four years, and we’ve never had a photo of us taken together. I want to remember this and I am sure that you do too. Now shush.” Castiel smiled and nodded, letting Dean’s hand fall away and wrap back around his shoulders. Unsure of where to put his own hand, he wrapped it around Dean’s side. He squeezed a little and was rewarded with a snort of laughter from Dean. “Don’t do that.” Dean’s threat was empty however, and the two were soon laughing from the fact the when Dean laughs too hard, he snorts a little bit. But finally Sam got a good photo or two of the duo. When Castiel got the camera back, he went through the pictures quickly and saw that he had never smiled so big before. He really was happier when he was with Dean. This was going to be a good weekend.

**********************************************************************************

When they got to the roadhouse, Castiel instantly recognized the rough exterior from the one photo of Dean that he had. The inside was just as he had pictured. A rough appearance, what with the bar having more kinds of alcohol that he had ever seen before in one place, even at a fancy bar. The bar tables were cleaned and shiny, and the dance floor was well swept. But the best part of it was the fact that Dean fell instantly into a relaxed posture as soon as he walked in. Everyone was now carrying a gift for Sam, and Jo had come down the stairs with her own for him.

“You guys, you really didn’t have to get me anything. I appreciate it, yeah, but this-”

“Oh shut up and open them.” Dean smacked up on the back of the head, only slightly gently, as he walked by with his gift. “Open mine first. You’re gonna love it.” Sam rubbed at the place that Dean had hit, but took the box from him. He was smiling, so that was a good sign.

“A large Movado BOLD? Dean, this is too much- How… how did you? You know what? Never mind. Thank you so much.” Sam stood and gave Dean a quick hug before sitting back down to admire his watch. It was solid black, and didn’t really have numbers or anything on it, but it was a nice watch. Perfect for a lawyer.

“Here ya’ go, boy. This ain’t as good as that watch, but you’ll like it just the same.” Bobby slid a small package across the bar to him. Castiel watched in joy as Sam opened up the package, revealing a small series of fountain pens that were not cheap. Bobby got a hug as well.

“Here ya’ go, Sam. Congrats on graduating.” Ellen gave him a tall box. “Be careful, ya?” Sam nodded, and opened it gently and took out a set of stacked beer and whiskey glasses.” Sam just looked at her, love in his eyes. “Now that you’re going off to college, I didn’t want to you to forget- to forget the Roadhouse or anything.” Ellen got a long hug.

Jo slid hers across the bar in a not so lady-like fashion. "Here you go, you big nerd.” Sam opened it and just started laughing. Castiel checked over his shoulder and saw a series of books that were not meant for a college kid. The Invasion of The Road Weenies, an insult book, a crude-joke book. There, at the end of the stack was Around the World in 80 Days. That was a good gift.

Finally Castiel handed his gift to him. “Cas, you got me something? You didn’t have to.”

“Yeah, I did. I watched you grow up just as much as anyone else here.” Sam thanked him and then opened the gift.

“This- no, I can’t. This time I really can’t. Cas, this is exquisite.” He tried to shove it back into Cas’ hands, but that didn’t work.

“Happy graduation, Sam. Well done.” Castiel handed it back to him and then went to go stand by Dean, their shoulders pressed fairly well together. They leaned into the other man and were content to just stay there and let Sam pour over his gifts. That is until Dean invited them to sit.

“So, you really got him that bag? It looked super expensive. You didn’t have to.”

“But I could afford to. What about that watch? That was a nice watch, how could you afford that?”

“Lots of hours at the garage. He’s been looking at that watch since he found out that he had a 4.0 GPA sophomore year. Took a while but I saved up enough for it.” Castiel watched as Dean’s gaze shifted from him to their younger brother. He was busy laughing with Jo about how Bobby had gotten some crumbs in his mustache from a sandwich that Ellen must have made. Sam, while laughing at Bobby, had gotten his own sandwich set in front of him.

“Yeah! Peanut butter and banana!”

“I really like the kid. I just might keep him around for a little while longer.” Dean looked back at Castiel with stars in his eyes. They shared small bits of conversation for the better part of the afternoon. When the sun finally went down Ellen announced that it was time for dinner. Overly greasy burgers topped with bacon and barbeque sauce.

“Caramelized onions!” Jo’s voice rang out over their orders being tossed into the air.

“Make mine with mushrooms!”

“Will do Bobby. And Jo, those things make your breath smell so bad. But I will only do it because it’s Sam’s big day.

They ate their burgers quickly, Dean and Castiel catching up over the buns and stack of steak fries.

“There is one thing that I can never forget though.”

“What?” Castiel wiped at his chin with a napkin, catching a line of grease that was threatening his nice shirt.

“When we were fighting, you said that you had fallen for me. Is that true?” Dean had already gone through his burger and was happily munching on the fries that were laid out before them. They had gotten a table a little farther away from the rest of the group.

“Well, I wasn’t lying. I just didn’t really realize what the implications of that would be when I told you and-”

“Cas. It’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ kind of question. Did you fall for me? I have to know.” Castiel let his burger back down to the basket that it had been sitting in. The puddle of juices quickly soaked into the bun. Castiel lifted his eyes to Dean.

***********************************************************************************

Dean watched as Castiel set his burger down, and then wiped his hands on a napkin. He was so proper. How could this be his best friend? He wasn’t sure. But then Castiel lifted those amazing eyes of his. They were more than just blue- they were the sky and the ocean, all tied into one. He got lost every time he looked into them. Not only were they looking straight at him, they were about to answer.

“Yes. Yes, I fell for you. But not anymore.” Taken aback by the odd answer, Dean shook his head in confusion.

“You _did_? Then what have you done since then?”

“I fell for you back then, but I think that I full on love you at this point. Look at us. We know everything about each other. We know the other’s fears, dreams, and wishes. I know that you like pecan and peach pie more than apple, but you would choose apple pie over pumpkin, because ‘pumpkin isn’t supposed to be made into pies. It’s unethical.’ I know that Sam is the light of our life, and that if you had to choose between Baby and the fastest car in the world, you would choose Baby. Not only because you’ve fixed her up several times, but because of the legos in the vents and the army men in the ashtray. I know that you and Sam carved your initials into the back seat back when you were about ten and he was about six. I know everything about you. And you know everything about me. Well- now you do.” He dropped his eyes back to his plate. It was kind of an annoying habit of his that Dean had noticed, but he knew it was because of his hard past with bullies. It was a habit of survival. Don’t look them in the eyes and they can’t see you. Dean knew that trick from the other side than where Castiel does.

“Cas?” He resisted the urge to reach out and grab that scruffy face of his. That five o’clock shadow was addicting to look at.

“What.” It was less of a question than a statement to ‘go away’. But Dean refused to do that. He waited until Castiel lifted those amazing eyes of his once more, looking straight into his own.

“I’ve fallen for you too.” The blush that tinted Castiel’s cheeks was adorable, and he tried to hide it by stuffing a few fries into his mouth. That didn’t work all too well, but Dean let him pretend that it did. He just watched Castiel for a little longer.

“Dean?” Castiel finally spoke up.

“Yeah?”

“You’re staring.”

“I know.”

“You should stop.”

“Why?”

“Because your family is noticing.”

“Who cares?”

“I thought that you would. You don’t like ‘chick flick’ moments.”

“It’s not chick flick. It’s adorable.”

“You need to get a hold of yourself.”

“No.”

“Dean.”

“Cas.”

“Dean.

“What?”

“They all left.”

“Thank God!” Dean finally sat back in his chair, ignoring the painted look of disgusted concern on Castiel’s face. “I was wondering when they would leave.” Dean got up from the bar stool and gathered up the empty plates, depositing them into the sink behind the counter. Dean reached into his pocket and produced a few twenty dollar bills, placing them on the counter before grabbing a bottle of single malt whiskey. “Let’s go.”

“Dean, where are we going?” Of course though, he stood up and followed Dean out of the bar. All of their cars were still here, so the family must have been upstairs. Dean unlocked Baby, sliding inside. He reached over to open the door for Castiel. “Dean, answer me.”

“We are going back to my place and going to sleep. Because tomorrow, I think I am going to take you on areal date. Not that trashy thing we did last time that we were together.”

“But shouldn’t I take my own car?”

“Just grab our stuff, stick it in her trunk. Let’s go.” Castiel smiled and did as he was told. He hopped into the passenger seat. Dean shifted the car into reverse, and pulled out onto the road. At the stop sign on 6th, Dean placed the car into park.

“Dean, that’s not safe.”

“There is nobody else out here. And besides, I never did properly thank you for helping me when I really needed it, all those years ago. If it wasn’t for you, I would still be paying off those medical bills.”

“It’s not a problem.” His thoughts were cut off when Dean suddenly leaned forward and pressed their lips together. One quick touch and then they were gone.

“No. Really, thank you.” The rest of the ride was silent apart from the shuffling of shirts as Castiel scooted closer to Dean and threading their fingers together. Dean knew it right then and there that this was what happiness was. He had never felt it before today. But with seeing Castiel, having Sam graduate, and him following his instincts and up and kissing Castiel? Yeah, happiness felt good.

And to think… It all started with a few letters in the mail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The watch: http://www.movado.com/us/en/shop-watches/movado-bold-3600047.html?redirect=no&gclid=Cj0KEQiAj8uyBRDawI3XhYqOy4gBEiQAl8BJbeoClmgClXrV0ZEpJbp0huxmKZETCbVPke51bUCnmw0aAjyE8P8HAQ
> 
> The satchel: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/salvatore-ferragamo-revival-small-messenger?ID=731899&CategoryID=1000059#fn=spp%3D14%26ppp%3D180%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D%26spc%3D290%26pn%3D1
> 
> My heart on knowing that this is the last chapter: http://orig04.deviantart.net/2e66/f/2010/296/e/a/sad_heart_by_cats0448-d31d5f0.jpg


	21. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 14,381 word epilogue to Letter In The Mail. I'm crying a little bit, knowing that this is the real goodbye. I partially know that the crying is because I'm a girl and girls get kind of wonky for a few days every month (I know that's TMI but oh well.) This is the real goodbye. There is nothing else, and I really need to stop crying because I don't cry at things, especially these kinds of things.
> 
> I love you all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue has a few mean slurs concerning the gay community, so I am sorry about that, but they were needed. Nothing major, but, just warning you. Uh, this also get's a little heated in spots, but I don't write smut much so, nothing really happens.
> 
> This follows the two men as they are invited to their ten year high school reunions. This also is what happens in the following two days of Sam's graduation, so make sure that you read the last chapter before reading this one.
> 
> I just wanted to make sure that all loose ends were tied up and that all questions about their lives were answered.

*The 10th Year Reunion of the Graduating Classes of 2011, Hawksbone High in Pontiac, and Goldglove High in Lawrence are happening one week apart. The graduating classes are invited back to their high school to catch up with their peers and long lost friends. Spouses and children of the students are invited along. There will be a room for younger children to go to so that they may be entertained during the reunion*

**_CLASS OF 2011_ **

**_HAWKSBONE HIGH SCHOOL_ **

**_10TH YEAR REUNION_ **

****

_We cordially invite the graduated class of 2011 back to the Hawksbone High School, on the date of March 18th, beginning from 11:00am-7:00 pm._

_Spouses and children are invited. Children will have a room filled with games and toys for their entertainment._

_Lunch will be provided at noon, slideshows of our class will be going on for the majority of the night, dinner will be served at 6:00. Meals will have a meat and a vegetarian option._

_Memorabilia will be out to sign._

_**CLASS OF 2011** _

_**GOLDGLOVE HIGH** _

_**10TH YEAR REUNION** _

_**MARCH 25** _

_Welcome back to High School! We invite you, and your family, back to G.G. High to converse with those who you both hated and loved! Make amends, make friends, and make the trip!_

_Children are welcome to come, some games will be provided. Games for adults are provided as well. First prize to the person who can name the most students in the class picture is a gift card to Lowes. First prize to the winner of Bobbing For Apples is a gift card to Chili’s. Want to know what the first prize for winning the pie eating contest is? Come join us to find out!_

_It starts at noon (so does lunch), and goes until 8:00pm, dinner is served at 7:00._

_Don’t forget to sign the yearbook!_

__

*********************************************************************************

“No. There is absolutely no way that we are going back to these, these torture chambers to relive our high school experiences! I am not going to face Inias again.”

“Oh, come on Cas! I’m going to mine, and showing you off, why won’t you go to yours so that you can show me off? I’ll be your bodyguard…” Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s middle, resting his chin on that muscled shoulder that he so loved to lean on. He closed his eyes against the bright sun pouring in from the kitchen window above the sink where his love was currently washing up some dishes. Arms submerged to the elbows with suds, he couldn’t really push Dean away all that easily, not unless he wanted to get their nicely redone kitchen floor all wet and soapy.

“Just because you decide to hug me doesn’t mean that I am going to comply to your incessant need to show off. Neither your car nor myself will be going to my reunion. I’ll go to yours, but mine- ugh.” He shivered a little bit, not from the breeze that blew in, but from the memory of those four years, and then the two from middle school, and the six of elementary school- he shuddered again.

“Are you getting sick?” Dean lifted one hand and placed the back of it on Castiel’s forehead. Castiel shook it off, ducking his head to get back to scrubbing the lasagna pan that had soaked overnight.

“No, just remembering.”

“I thought the worst years were middle school?”

“At the time, yeah. But high school was just as bad. Go back and read. I wasn’t popular. Hell, I was head of the journalism and debate clubs. I got shoved in lockers more than I went to lunch.”

“And that is a shame, but I am willing to beat up your bullies. Please?” Dean lifted his unshaven chin and tickled the back of Castiel’s neck, causing him to squirm a little bit from the feeling. He then placed a kiss there. “I’ll protect you.” He placed another kiss, down in the dip of his shoulder, right above where his soft cotton shirt began covering his torso. “You could probably beat them up yourself.” At that, Castiel turned his head to Dean, who leaned forward farther to make eye contact. He was still in love with those blue diamond eyes even after all these years. He tried to hide his pleasure as he saw Castiel’s resolve breaking right there before him. But nothing happened until Castiel reached for a hand towel.

“Dean, you and I both know that I would never do such a thing, even if it was Inias that was there.” He dried his hands and then turned around in Dean’s arms, keeping them wrapped around him. In turn, he rested his own arms upon Dean’s shoulders.

“Even if he deserved it?” He set a cheeky grin on his face, doing his best to make Castiel laugh. It almost worked.

“Even if he deserved it.” Castiel chuckled his reply, Dean leaning forward into his space. He admired the small set of crinkles that had formed at the edges of his eyes, but they never bothered him. He nearly loved them more than the man himself. Ok, that was a lie, but who cares. Everyone knew that Dean wasn’t a very truthful person.

“You know that nothing would happen, right? We are all adults now, all grown up. We have jobs, and bosses-”

“Not everyone has a boss.”

“That’s true. Some of us are our own boss.” He gave another cheeky smile to his man, who just rolled his eyes in good fun. “We have lives, and some of us even have families. Some have kids, and cats, and-”

“We have a guinea pig. And a dog.”

“Yes. We have a little gold and white guinea pig that you named Clarence, and I have a lovable little Doberman that I named Harley. We also have a cute little niece named Mary who we watch when Sam and Ruby go on date nights. Because we all know they they still need date nights. And we have a house, but we don’t have a white picket fence. We have a yard, lots of yard.”

“We have each other.” That was the kind of sappy stuff that had made Dean really fall for Castiel. After Cas had come down, what was it, a decade ago, for Sam’s high school graduation, he hadn’t gone home easy.

__

_The apartment complex itself wasn’t all that grand. It was a little run down with some peeling paint and a parking garage that wasn’t entirely safe to park under for fear of it collapsing in upon itself. But he didn’t mind, because in one hand was his duffel bag, and in his other was Dean’s hand. In Dean’s opposite hand was the bottle of whiskey that he had snatched from the Roadhouse. Ok, so he had paid for it, but that wasn’t what threw Castiel off about it. It was that he had seen Ellen in the rearview mirror up on the second floor, with Sam’s arm draped over her shoulder._

_“Dean, what if Sam comes home?”_

_“Are you kidding me? The kid is going to get plastered tonight. He’s not coming home.” Castiel actually gasped in shock at the statement._

_“He is 18, Dean! Why would you let him get that drunk?”_

_“Because he is 18. I had my first beer before I sent that first letter to you. I got really drunk the first time when I was near 15. I only gave Sam his first beer when he was 14. I told him that he isn’t allowed to get drunk until he graduates, and as far as I know, he followed that rule. So I told him last night that as soon as he gets back from the ceremony that he is allowed to drink as much as he wants and get as drunk as he wants. He just isn’t allowed to drive or do anything stupid. Even Ellen and Bobby know this. Jo is going to make sure that he gets good and drunk.” They had made their way up three flights of stairs to the top apartment, and Dean dropped Castiel’s hand to dig through his pocket and produce his key. Castiel however remained stunned at the statement._

_“I find that highly unethical.”_

_“I find it seriously funny. Dad put beer in our bottles to get up go to sleep faster. So technically, I had my first beer before I had my first solid food… huh, never thought about that.” Dean stood there for a moment thinking back to his history. He shook his head to clear the thoughts, and stuffed the key back in his pocket. He pushed open the door and gestured Castiel inside. Cas gave him a quick and cold glare before going inside. Dean followed and shut the door before turning on the lights. “Welcome to my humble abode.” It was- nice. Warm and inviting. But more than definitely lived in. The floor had well worn scuff marks in it and the walls had dulled out in color, but there wasn’t anything that either of the boys could do to fix those. They had walked into the living room first. Two over-stuffed leather couches were pushed up against the walls, and a small TV mounted up on the wall had a few stacks of (were those VHS tapes?) under the TV itself._

_The kitchen over to the right, as the living room was on the left, had more of the hardwood floor. The countertop had piles of magazines and a few empty plates from what looked like that morning._

_“I told the kid to clean up his mess.” Dean made his way into the kitchen and placed the whiskey in a clean spot on the counter, next to the fridge that had some childish magnets, holding up pictures of the duo. Dean reached over and grabbed the plates from the counter, sticking them in the sink and starting a line of steaming water running over them. Castiel took the time to look at what specifically was on the fridge. Sam’s senior photo- he was wearing a black and white plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He had on black jeans that were more or less clean. There were some obvious spots that needed cleaned, but they weren’t that bad. He had on black boots that oddly looked liked Dean’s, but he didn’t say anything. The background was bright, golden brown, and bathed in a warm light. But the best part was in the back corner of the picture was the beginning piles of a scrapyard. Old machinery and rusted out cars, they were all golden-rust colored, and blended in nicely to the background. The golden background really made the dark image of Sam stand out, and he really liked the way that it was kind of like a silhouette image, instead of a portrait. The coloring was, as Sam used earlier, exquisite. The warm hues contrasted with the dark figure, even his hair was a little darker than what Castiel was now used to. But his eyes were just as bright as the background. Golden green, they were captivating._

_“You enjoying staring at my little brother?” Castiel jumped nearly out of his skin at the question, unaware that Dean was right there._

_“My apologies Dean, I didn’t realize that I was being rude.” Castiel back up against the fridge as he turned and nearly head butted the slightly taller man. Dean didn’t seem to mind though as he took a half step closer._

_“You weren’t. I was just admiring that you became so- enthralled- with the photograph.”_

_“Well, it’s amazing. The play on color, and the way that Sam is set not quite center, it really draws your eye. It’s addicting to look at.” Castiel paused as Dean looked at the picture just past him._

_“Yeah. I really liked it. I actually had someone from my class do that photo. Uh, I don’t know if you ever heard the name Charlie. But she turned into a real adventurous girl herself and ran off to become a nature photographer. So I commissioned her to take Sam’s senior pics. She agreed for a really good price. I think she is somewhere in Colorado right now, taking photos of some elk or something up in the mountains.” He turned his gaze back to Castiel._

_“Dean?” Castiel couldn’t quite breathe, but in a good way._

_“Yeah?” Dean’s green eyes looked back at him, still filled with wonder from the quick story._

_“You kissed me, earlier.” Castiel took a shuddering breath as Dean placed one hand up by his shoulder._

_“Yeah… was that ok?” He tilted his head back, exiting Castiel’s space just enough that Castiel wished he hadn’t._

_“Yeah. Hey, Dean?” Dean answered with a hum, searching Castiel’s eyes for something that he wasn’t sure what it could be. “It was too quick.” Dean hummed again and bent forward, brush their lips together, slowly. And this time, Castiel, sweet, shy Castiel, tilted his head up to meet those lips that he had just briefly met before. Far too quick that first time, but this slow thing was just about as addicting as Sam’s senior photo._

__

They separated their lips, unsure as to who kissed whom, but knew that it was well deserved either way. “Fine. I will go to my reunion. Are you happy?” Dean watched as Castiel rolled his eyes one last time before looking back at Dean.

“Very.” He pushed their lips back together one last time, quickly, before releasing Castiel’s waist. He could feel Castiel’s body follow him for a moment before falling back against the sink. He winked at his blue eyed angel before he headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs, the ones that they had put in together. Making his way into the master bedroom, he bent down to pat Harley on his greying muzzle before walking into their closet to search for a suitcase that would work for their trips.

No matter which reunion they went to, it would be a drive, seeing as how they were now living up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It was where Bobby had wanted to retire to, so Dean and Castiel drove him up here. But instead of dropping him off with Ellen in tow and heading home, they had spied a little fixer-upper house not to far from his surrogate parents place. Castiel had fallen in love just as quickly as he had, so when they bought it, they moved in less than a month later. That was almost seven years ago. Moving out of that apartment and into the one floor, one bedroom cottage wasn’t much of an upgrade. But after the full year of renovations, the upgrade was massive.

“Dean, I was just going to see where you had run off to. Sometimes I still feel like I get lost in this place.” He peeked his head into the closet, and Dean looked up to see his messy hair sticking up everywhere.

“But you love it. Now come on, we have to pack.” Dean walked out past Cas, setting the suitcase out on the bed.

“Pack? Why do we need to pack?”

“Because we got those invitations a month ago, and we just never opened them because they were from our schools. The first reunion is in two days.” Dean nodded at Castiel reassuringly, and then he ducked back into the closet to grab two pairs of his own jeans, and pair of jeans and pair of slacks for Castiel. After all, he was still as proper as ever and would end up wearing something nice to the reunion. They could rent a motel for the night up near Pontiac for the night and just head home the morning after the reunion. He looked back up to Castiel whose mouth had formed a silent ‘o’. Dean sighed, a soft smile on his face. Abandoning putting the pants into the suitcase, he went over to Castiel and put his arms around his neck, planting a soft kiss to his cheek. He looked up as Cas turned his head and saw that he wasn’t smiling.

“What if he hasn’t matured? What if they still have some sort of vendetta against me?”

“What if the world were to explode in the next twenty seconds and I didn’t have the time to tell you that Harley farted last night and I blamed you even though I knew it was him?” Castiel’s blank look was just what he needed.

“What?”

“I’m saying that it doesn’t matter. I’ll be there for you. Even if he hasn’t grown up, you have. Now quit worrying, and help me figure out how to pack these pants. I don’t want to wrinkle them.” Castiel nodded and Dean slipped his hand into Castiel’s, gently tugging him towards the suitcase.

They packed the bag with a few extra shirts, because who knew what would be going on. They then went into their bathroom and packed up their bathroom things. Dean trimmed up his stubble a bit, he knew that Cas liked the five o’clock shadow. It was sexy. They went through the day with getting some chinese takeout for a half lunch, half dinner. They also called up Ellen to see if she would come by tomorrow and feed Clarence and Harley. They would put Harley outside on his chain and leave food and water out there for him, but the rodent is what needed fed.

“Don’t you dare call Clarence a rodent!”

“He is! Ellen knows that!”

“I don’t care. He is just as much our kid as Harley is.”

“Harley is nearly 13. He isn’t just a kid, he’s a senior citizen!”

“Don’t defend the fact that he peed on the rug a week ago.”

“You hush, I am talking with Ellen, she doesn’t need to know about our dog’s bladder problems.”

They got into bed after Castiel finished up watering their few plants. Dean was already half asleep under their large comforter as Castiel shuffled into the room, shedding his pants and shirt along the way. He went to reach for the edge of the blanket but Dean pulled it back for him, inviting Castiel inside. He did so gratefully, Dean feeling the compress of the bed next to him. Then there was the extra body heat that radiated off of him as the sidled up next to each other.

“Hey, Cas?” He noted as how his voice was sleep drawn, slow and rough. He slid his arm over Castiel’s chest, setting his head on his shoulder. Castiel’s replied hum was all he needed. “I’m glad you’re mine.” He felt Castiel’s shoulder shift and looked up into those blue eyes of his.

“I’m glad I’m yours.” Dean reached up and stole a soft kiss before snuggling back down and falling asleep to the steady rhythm of Castiel’s heart.

The next morning was brought on by the alarm clock ringing at five. Dean slammed his fist on the snooze button, and if he broke it, good. It would have been the third in two months that he had broken. He stretched his arms over his head as he sat up, seeing that Castiel was already out of bed. He heard some soft singing coming from behind the closed bathroom door and knew right where to go. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he shimmied his boxers off and opened the door, steam rushing him in a blast of heat. Castiel liked really hot showers. It was something he had grown up with, but for Dean, it was going to be a luxury that he would always be surprised at.

They showered quickly, passing shampoo to one another and only knocking knees twice. It was a record that neither of them fell. That was usually an everyday occurrence in their household. But they made it out with minimal bruising and dried off quickly. Dean dressed quickly and hurried downstairs to let Harley out and get some breakfast started. Granted it was just going to be toast since they had a full day of eating ahead of them, it was damned good toast.

They made it out in a reasonable amount of time, leaving the house at about 6:15. The drive ahead of them was long and tiring, so they decided to stop off at about halfway so that Castiel could drive the rest of the way, considering that he knew where his old high school was and Dean didn’t. So they headed out after setting Harley outside and putting him on his chain near enough to his doghouse that he could get inside for the night.

The drive was indeed long. Nine hours on the road, but in the history of Dean and Castiel, it wasn’t that long of a journey. Nine hours was nothing to them after the 14 years of letters and even though the drive was longer, it felt like the blink of an eye to the duo. After three hours, Dean’s ass began to go numb, and after four, his arm was tiring on the wheel. Castiel in the passenger seat was fast asleep, his head pressed against the window. Of course he knew that he would have to clean that later, it didn’t matter how long they were together, Castiel always had to clean his messes up in Baby. Just like Sam, just like Ruby, and just like baby Mary would have to when she was old enough to use a rag and windex. At the five hour mark, Dean pulled his old girl over at a gas station to refuel, and to let his man get awake enough to be ready to drive.

“You were supposed to stop half an hour ago. Even driving time, you know this.”

“I also know that you were dreaming, and considering the smile that was on your face, it was a pretty good dream.” They leaned up against the side of the Impala, waiting for the slow pump to fill up her tank. Castiel’s smile gave cause for Dean to have a smile of his own on his face.

“It was. It was really nice.” He glanced up through his thick lashes at Dean, who felt all warm inside because of it.

“What were you dreaming about?” He leaned over and knocked their shoulders together before settling back against her smooth black paint job.

_“Dean, what are we doing?” Castiel lifted a hand to Dean’s shoulder, gently pushing him away. The magnets of the fridge were pressing indentations into his back. He didn’t want it to stop but he didn’t want this to be something that he would regret. His lips were numbed and he was fairly hot between his legs, but he couldn’t make out what his mind was screaming at him. Dean pulled back heavily, unsure of the actions being made right in front of him._

_“I’m not sure, but I know that I like it.” He reached back in, coming back for another kiss, but Castiel turned his head. Dean’s lips landing on his neck._

_“Dean. I don’t- let’s not. Please. Trust me, I love this as much as you do, but we can’t just, do this. Dean!” Dean pulled away, hanging his head in shame from having been pulling a hickey out on Castiel’s neck. He looked up with saddened eyes at having to stop. “Besides, didn’t you want to go on a date?”_

_“I don’t usually do the ‘date’ thing. I’m more of a one-night stand, kind of dude.”_

_“Well, I’m not. Can’t we just, sit in and enjoy that whiskey? Relax, figure out what is obviously going on here. Figure out what is going to happen after I go home, because I do.” He added that last part quickly, seeing as how Dean was about to protest._

_“Yeah. I- we can do that. But first, there is something that I want to show you.” He leaned back and Castiel caught a glimpse (accidentally) of Dean’s jeans pulling taut up front. Not that his own wasn’t doing that, but it was kind of cool to know that he caused that…_

_Dean took him by the hand and gently pulled him away from the fridge, Castiel following willingly. They bypassed the whiskey, which he was only sad to see, and walked towards the darkened hallway that must have lead to the bedrooms. Tensing up inside at the prospect of what Dean was about to do, Castiel had to tell himself to calm down and even out his heart rate. Dean flipped on a switch and illuminated the hallway, the door to the bathroom was open. He saw a mirror that reflected a sink and a black and green shower curtain. Dean opened up the door on their left, right next to the bathroom door._

_“Uh, this is my room. It’s messy, I’m sorry, but I have only this one chance to show you this.” Castiel steeled himself, and was suddenly transported back in time to the classic era of Mullet Rock as the door to Dean’s room opened. The walls were covered in AC/DC, Metallica, Motorhead, CCR, and even BOC posters on the wall. There was a shelf above his untidy bed that held a small collection of classic model cars, and front and center was a black Chevrolet Impala that looked just like Baby. There were mustangs and Model T Fords up on that shelf. The bed itself was at least a queen size with black bed sheets. Clothes were scattered along the floor and Dean was quick to begin collecting the articles of clothing. He hurried to place them into a hamper that was already full. “I know I have to do laundry and make the bed, but I- uh, oh, in here.” He made his way to the dark brown desk that was settled under the window. Castiel watched as Dean pulled out the bottom drawer of his desk, pulling out a hard covered book._

_“What is that?” He became much more curious as Dean placed it on his bed and invited Castiel over to see. The sides were hard as well, so it was obviously fake._

_“It’s my old math textbook. This was the only use that I could find out of it. I tore out all of the pages and inserted a wooden interior. Then I put in some plastic covering the wood, and making it waterproof. Inside is every single letter, and the envelope that it was sent in, from you. All the way back from third grade, to the one I got just a little bit ago. I’ve never shown anyone because they don’t understand. But, here.” He handed the textbook/box to Castiel who took it as gently as if it were a baby. Which, in some sense of the word, is what this was. It was Dean’s baby. Castiel rested it on his knees and slowly opened it. The inside wasn’t rough looking as Castiel thought it would be, but it was clean and well made. And there were his letters. The oldest one, the first one, was right in front. The envelope was set on top of it._

_“Are these in separate sheet protectors?” He looked up in awe and saw in concern that Dean looked almost afraid to have someone looking through this precious part of his life._

_“Yeah.” He nodded and Castiel watched him watching as he began to read the first letter._

 

_“Dean, September 12_

__

_I’m not entirely sure where to start, even though we have had lessons on how to write these. My teacher says to start with introducing ourselves. So here goes. My name is Castiel Novak.”_

__

_“I sounded so pretentious. Wow, why did you ever respond?” He didn’t wait for Dean to answer before he began reading one a few months later._

__

_“Dean, November 7_

__

_I really miss reading your letters. I wish that you could respond. But I can talk for the both of us. I like to talk. Remember? We got the dog. We found out that her name is Chyna, like China. She’s really sweet. I never asked your favorite color. I like green.”_

__

_“This was from when dad made me stop writing to you. Every time I got a letter from you I held it for the longest time. I even almost cried because I had nobody else to talk to. You were my only friend at that point. I never did really find out why dad made me stop writing, I just know that dad bought a lot of alcohol and that Ellen took Sam and I in for a few days. Even she wouldn’t let me write to you, But after we got home dad let me start writing again.”_

__

_“Dean,_

__

_Dad didn’t come home again. I don’t know where he is at-_

__

_Dean,_

__

_Michael saw mom with another man-_

__

_Dean,_

__

_-Will you teach me how to be brave?-_

__

_You have every single letter that I have ever written to you.” Dean nodded again, but Castiel couldn’t see it. He was in shock that every page was pristine, and that the only bends in the papers were from where Castiel had folded them. The envelopes all had clean cut edges, and they were all still as fresh as the day they had been sent out._

_“You want to know a secret, Dean?” He looked up at Dean, seeing the confusion._

_“Sure?”_

_“I’ve kept every single one of your letters too. They might not be in as perfect as condition, but I have every single one of yours too.” He could feel his face light up as recognition lit up Dean’s face. He lost all track of time as Dean leaned in close, an inch away._

_“Can we pick up where we left off, then? Because I am truly, completely, and I never say this, in love with you. Every part of you. Castiel, please.” His voice cracked on the past syllable, his breath hot on Castiel’s face. Castiel only had to nod once before he lost his breath, it was sucked out of him by Dean. The letter-math book somehow found its way to the desk, and Castiel somehow found himself pulling Dean closer to him. The need of alcohol had worn off, as Dean was by far the most addicting thing he had ever tried._

__

“You are such a sap.”

“It’s not my fault that my head was replaying that day over and over. I think it’s the stress of the upcoming hours that has made my head bring up these happy memories.” He watched as Castiel’s smile only grew, and Dean leaned over, planting a kiss on his temple. As he sat back up the pump clicked off, so he replaced the nozzle.

“Did you want a coffee or something?” He pointed up towards the shop where an older woman had just stepped out, holding a bottle of water and a newspaper. Castiel shook his head and Dean nodded, handing the keys over. Castiel took them and Dean slid into the passenger seat, watching Castiel as he settled into the driver's seat. They pulled out onto the highway and Castiel slipped an old Black Sabbath tape into the car, hearing the sweet sounds of Children Of The Grave dripping from the speakers. Dean let the song fill him and was soon air-drumming his heart out, hearing Castiel laughing in the seat next to him. That was always going to get him. The laughter of Castiel as he hard core rocked out to his music.

The last four hours went by a little faster, even though Castiel was driving slower than he was. In fact, Dean had made a six hour drive in five, so Castiel really only had to drive about three and a half hours. But that was just fine with Dean. He liked driving, especially when it was when he was headed somewhere that he was excited to go. Like a high school reunion.

They made it in no time, and Dean watched as Castiel expertly parked his car in a nearby motel. They both got out so that they could pay for the room and get one that they liked. Castiel always liked being up higher, but Dean preferred being on the bottom floor, near the fire escape. The lady at the desk was a little concerned when Dean brought that up.

“That’s only because I grew up with having to learn about fast escapes.”

“You know that you won’t ever have to escape from me, right? We are in this together.”

“Yeah, until you try to run away from the reunion.”

“So is it really a good idea to get the room with the fire escape?”

“The reunion started four hours ago, it’s already three. We are changing and then heading over there.” He turned to the lady behind the desk. “The fire escape room, please.” He gave her his best smile and was handed the key. He gave it to Castiel and returned to Baby to get their bag. They changed in the room quickly, Castiel into his slacks and a nice shirt, Dean in his clean jeans and an old Led Zeppelin shirt. They got back into BabY, Castiel driving, and made the quick drive to the high school. Dean watched as Castiel tensed his hands on the wheel. He almost spoke up but he was already out of the car. Dean followed.

“Ready?” He looked over Baby to Castiel, reassurance in his voice. Castiel nodded. “Good.” They met up at the front of the car and Dean placed an arm over Castiel’s shoulder, and he felt the gentle pressure of Castiel putting his arm around Dean’s middle. He tried not to giggle as Castiel gently pressed on his side. But he held a straight face, and made his way to the front doors that were propped open.

Inside Dean saw that the school was decked out in blue and bronze, will golden balloons and dark blue streamers hung up on the lockers. He felt his body being pulled towards the right and saw that Castiel was headed towards another open set of doors, the gym. There were several people milling about just inside of the doors, but just their silhouette could be seen. Just outside the gym doors was a plastic table with a bunch of ‘MY NAME IS:’ cards and some sharpies set out. They each wrote their names and stuck it to their chest before walking in hand in hand. immediately Castiel’s anxiety could be felt as he pressed up closer to Dean. But he just laid a calming hand around his waist and he relaxed a bit. The gym was still fairly spacious, even for being a high school gym, and there was a row of snacks and goodies set up along one wall. On another wall was a large screen where images from their class were being projected. Since Dean didn’t know any of the faces he wasn’t all that interested. But Castiel couldn’t tear his eyes away. Jocks on the football field, cheerleaders at the soccer games. The drama club, the band geeks, the art enthusiasts- and there, Dean saw it. The overly large image of the Journalism club, with his Castiel right in the very front. A few people whistled at the next photograph, Castiel holding up his award winning ‘The Perks Of Being A Bookworm’ article with the picture of Dean on the front of the school newspaper. Dean felt Castiel relax a little bit and a hand brushed along his. They were just turning around to head over to the snacks when Castiel pulled away from Dean, just ever so slightly.

“Hey, Castiel? I don’t know if you would remember me, but I’m-”

“You’re Inias. Yeah, I remember you.” At the ring of his name Dean turned with Castiel to face a man who was maybe only like, five foot eleven or something. He was nothing to Dean, but Inias wasn’t any shorter than Castiel was apart from maybe half an inch.

“Wow, no need to be so harsh there, Cassie.” Inias’ dark eyes scanned over Castiel and then finally came to rest on Dean, his arm around Castiel’s waist. “And this is your “partner”? He looks a little out of our league Cassie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew Cas was a fag but I didn’t think that people like you could be too.” Castiel didn’t even have time to raise a voice to Dean before his arm slipped away from him, and Dean went to tower over the not-yet cowering Inias.

“I happen to be Bi, and Cas is the one out of my league. And you’re the punk who shoved him in a lockers, right?” He didn’t wait for an answer before he felt his fist collide with something solid, and then the rush of blood to his knuckles, turning them white hot. Only for a moment did he feel the burn though, because he was overcome with the joyous noise of hearing bells tinkling in the distance. Wait, no- that was Castiel. Was he, laughing? Yup, that was his laugh. It turned from a light hearted chuckle into a full blown guffaw. He was bent over in the middle trying to hold himself together. When Dean looked down though, he saw that Inias was knocked cold, a purple shadow beginning to form on the left side of his jaw. He turned from the fallen man and to his laughing partner.

Other people had begun laughing too. Their laughter echoing through the room, Dean looked up to see that he was at the middle of it. A few of the people that were laughing were from the Journalism picture. One of them came up to him, patting him on the back. “I’ve wanted someone to do that for fourteen years, man. He knocked out so many people, it was awesome that you got him down in one blow.” He shook hands with the guy, never getting his name, and then walked the one step over to his still chuckling partner.

“Dean, I can’t believe you did that.” Castiel finally straightened himself out but left the smile on his face. “I love you so much.” He leaned in and gave Dean a quick kiss, leaving him stunned and standing as Castiel went to make rounds with the people of the room. He actually stepped over Inias. Eventually Dean felt bad for the guy, only after leaving him there for half an hour, and went to pick him up. Refusing to carry him bridal style, he got down on one knee, and hoisted him over his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. A few girls that must have been single whistled at him as he stood up easily, even though Inias was a bit overweight. He just gave them a wink before walking outside and depositing the trash by the front door.

“No, that really is him. Do you remember how half the time in journalism I wouldn’t be working on my assignment, but on letters to some guy a few states away? Yeah. That’s him.” Dean made his way over to the group, and even though a few of them saw him, he motioned for them to keep talking. So they did.

“You can’t really expect us to believe that you two knew each other for ten years before meeting, and then it took another four for you to meet again. That only comes from movies.”

“But Hester, it’s true. You were in Missouri’s class too, you should remember.”

“I only remember getting the one letter back that said something along the lines of ‘I don’t really want a pen-pal’ and then I sent one back saying ‘ok’. We never talked again.”

“Well Dean and I talked all the way through elementary, middle, and high school. Then all through my college career until I came down for his little brother’s high school graduation, and that’s when we just, never ended up separating.”

“Surely you must have, at least a little bit.”

“Yeah, I had to go back home to finish up the last semester of college, and then I graduated. I moved in with Dean after that. It was like we have never even been apart. We just- picked up right where we left off.”

__

_He wasn’t sure what was going on, other than the fact the he was desperate for Dean to love him unconditionally. They fell back onto the bed, Castiel pulling the slightly heavier Dean on top of him, doing his best to deepen the kiss. He had always dreamed of this, of finding someone who knew him to the deepest parts of his soul, to share with him the parts of himself that even he wasn’t sure he liked. But Dean, he liked them all. Their shirts came off first, Castiel’s buttons haphazardly undone, it being untucked from his slacks quite unprofessionally. Somehow Dean’s shirt ended up on the floor as well, and their chests were pressed flush together. For the most part they were unhairy, but Castiel saw with delight a glory trail of hair the peeked up above the hem of Dean’s jeans. But that was too much to think about as the fly of his slacks was pulled down-_

_The night was heated, refreshing, and well overdue for the duo. They couldn’t get enough of each other. Even though neither of them supposedly ‘topped’ or ‘bottomed’, they were happy to just get off with each other in the comfort that they would stay in bed forever. But forever ended too quickly as the morning sun broke through the window, illuminating the boys in their wonderful glory. Castiel’s head was placed on Dean’s chest, rising and falling with the rhythm of his breathing. His fluttered open as Dean shifted his body position a bit. As Castiel began to wake up so did Dean. They looked at each other through sleep filled eyes._

_“Good morning.” Dean’s voice was even gruffer than it usually was, filled with sleep and unused from the night._

_“Good morning.” Dean’s eyes finally opened all the way and he raised his arms over his head, barely missing hitting the wall as he stretched his shoulders._

_“That was- awesome.” Dean chuckled and Castiel reveled in the reverberations that traveled through his chest._

_“Yeah, that was.” They eventually did get out of bed, Dean’s pleas of needing food finally winning over the thought of a warm bed. Dean slid out first, picking up a pair of jeans and sliding them on without underwear. Castiel followed after a moment, and instead of putting his slacks back on, found a pair of Dean’s sweatpants near the end of the bed. He slid into them and instantly knew that they were Dean’s. They smelled like him, even from here. He shuffled into the kitchen, following the sound of pots and pans rattling. Turns out that Dean was trying to clean up a little bit more, setting a few pieces of bread into the toaster as he swung around the kitchen. Cas took the moment to go into the bathroom and use it quickly. What he didn’t see when he walked in, and only saw as he was washing his hands,was his picture stuck into the frame of the mirror, the top left corner. Castiel dried his hands and stood on his tip toes to see the picture better. He didn’t even remember what picture he had sent, so to see his seventh grade school photo in someone else’s house was little odd. Especially because this wasn’t a relative or anything. This was some guy that Castiel had only met once before that his his picture in his bathroom. His hair had been partially tamed, and he had the ‘Alfalfa’ look going on with a piece of hair sticking straight up in the back. He had a crooked tooth in his crooked smile. He remembered that this- was just before he got braces._

_“Cas? You still here?” Dean’s voice traveled through the walls and Castiel called back to him, taking one last passing look at little Castiel._

_“Yeah. I was just in the bathroom.” He came back into the kitchen and saw that there was some toast on a plate, with three different kinds of jellies and jams sitting out on the counter. Some bar stools, not unlike the ones at the roadhouse, sat at the other end of the counter. Dean stood and carried a plate over to him, toast and a knife for him._

_“So you saw the picture of you?” Dean sat back down at the counter and took a big scoop of what looked like raspberry jelly and put it on his toast. Castiel nodded and slid into the seat next to him, grabbing the grape jelly._

_“Yeah. Who would have thought that I was such a funny looking kid? The Alfalfa hair, the crooked smile-”_

_“My favorite is the necklace. Do you still have it?” The inserted question wasn’t quite planned, but Castiel knew that it would be asked about._

_“Yeah I do. It’s hanging up in my dorm room. Since I have a room of my own I know that it’s pretty safe to keep there. It doesn’t glow as much anymore, it’s faded out a bit. But I don’t care, I still really like it.” He smiled at Dean and laughed as he noticed a big glob of jelly had caught on the corner of his mouth. Dean’s tongue flicked out to get it, and only pushed it farther away. Castiel grabbed a napkin from the holder in front of them and handed it to Dean, letting him take care of the problem on his own._

_“Thanks.” Dean chuckled as well and then they fell into a soft silence. They finished eating and cleaned up their messes, somehow having gotten some jelly on the counter. The rest of the morning was simple enough. They brushed their teeth, changed their clothes, and then Dean took Castiel by the hand._

_“Where are we going? You have to stop kidnapping me.” He only slightly complained as Dean pulled him out of the apartment, locking it behind them. They made it to Baby with minimal tripping over one another, and then Dean took off down the road._

_“I am taking you somewhere I know that you will love. This is our first date, and seeing as how you are in my town, I get to pay for it. So no complaints!” Dean locked the doors and let Castiel good-naturedly huff as they drove out of Lawrence. Castiel watched the town get smaller and smaller in the mirror and the road getting longer and longer before them. “Ok Dean, really. Where are we headed?” Dean just turned the radio up a little louder and let Good Golly Miss Molly drench them as they continued along. It was less than twenty minutes later that Castiel finally saw where they were headed. He punched Dean in the arm for it, but was more than excited to be able to go to an actual museum. He hadn’t been to one in years and this was more than amazing for a ‘first date’. Dean parked but Castiel didn’t really notice until he found himself walking towards the front door. He felt Dean’s hand slide into his own, slowing him down from walking so fast._

_“Easy there tiger. Slow your roll.” He pulled Castiel back a little bit every few steps and eventually just wrapped an arm around his shoulder to keep him from running off like the child he knew he was acting like. But who cared? This was their day. Finally making it up to the door, Dean asked for two tickets, paying a hefty price that Castiel instantly felt bad about._

_“Don’t you dare start worrying about the money. Today is for us, and this money is for the both of us. So pull the frown upside-down, and go explore the dinosaurs and the astronomy section.” Castiel felt himself get excited all over again as he realized that there was a section dedicated entirely to the stars._

_“Let’s go there first. To the stars.” They walked hand in hand past the T. Rex skeleton and the neanderthals. Finally making their way into the astronomy section, Dean let Cas’ hand go and just let him run from exhibit to exhibit._

_“These are the most commonly known constellations: Ursa Major and Minor, Orion, look, there’s Scorpio. The Seven Sisters are there, and don’t forget Canis Lupis, the hunting dog of Orion. Dean. Come here. That, right there, is Apus. I still have him. The token is still around his neck, I never take it off of him. Oh, right there is Perseus, and there’s Pisces. Right there is your star sign, Aquarius. There is Taurus, and there’s Cancer. Virgo, and Capricorn, over there is Leo. Oh, I almost forgot about Sagittarius.” Castiel ran from place to place, completely ignoring the fact that he was supposed to be on a first date with the pen-pel that he had slept with last night. But who cared? The stars were aligning for them… literally. Orion’s belt was pointing from one man to the other._

__

“Dean! How long have you been standing there?” Castiel had bumped into him, but he felt his face break out into a warm grin at the movement. He put his arm around Castiel and just looked at the others in the group that he had been talking to.

“Just long enough to hear you gushing about our first date to these lovely folks. Hi, I’m Dean Winchester. I’m Castiel’s partner and pen-pal.” He extended a hand out to everyone from around Castiel, and they all took it, if a little starstruck that this was real. But Dean was always starstruck. After all, he had Castiel to himself.

The evening went fairly quickly for them. There weren’t any games or anything big for them to do, but the dinner of prime rib was well made. Not as good as Dean had learned to make over the years, but good enough for everyone. He had met so many people. He took pictures of everyone holding their school photo, and promised them that he would show his own class their photos. If their pen pal was at the reunion, then they would get a return photo. It was Castiel’s idea for them to do this and collected their numbers and the names of their partner, if they remembered.

By the time they were headed back to the motel, Inias had wandered back inside and came up to Castiel, apologizing for being such a prick. Dean was pretty happy with that so he let it slide.

The motel was fairly nice and clean so they weren’t too concerned with anything gross that would have happened. They brushed their teeth quickly and fell asleep just as fast. The drive home the next morning didn’t seem to take quite as long, and they were both awake for the entire thing. They sang and stopped for lunch and got an approving thumbs up from a boy about seven when they shared a quick kiss. They returned the thumbs up and finished up their meal before heading back out onto the road. They only had a few days to rest before they would have to head out to Dean’s reunion. But that wasn’t all that bad. Their animals were still alive and they were more than happy to have been able to spend some time with Ellen.

The next few days were fast paced to say the least. They cleaned the house, they did all of their laundry, they made a full meal for Bobby and Ellen, and brought it over to them for dinner. They repacked, made sure that Ellen could take Harley and Clarence for the night again, and then they were off. The five and a half hour drive was taken on entirely by Dean this time, since he loved to drive so much.

They left at about six in the morning, hoping to get to Lawrence by about noon at the latest. The road coming out of Sioux Falls was well enough, but Dean noticed that as they made their way into Lawrence itself, the roads had begun to tarnish, falling apart right before their eyes. The neighborhoods were still decently nice, but the 7-11 on the corner of Harmony had bars on its windows. He slowed Baby down as they made their way to the motel that they had planned on staying in that night. But seeing as how the parking lot was nearly empty and that the few cars there were cheap looking and completely rusted over, he knew that they weren’t going to let Baby stay there for the night. Nope, that was so not happening. He ignored Castiel’s concerned hum as they pulled into a nearby parking lot and as Dean pulled out his phone. It was only three rings before she finally picked up.

“Well, Dean-o! Glad to see that you finally got up the gall to call me.” Her voice had become so much like Ellen’s, it was a little scary.

“Hey Jo. Uh, Cas and I are down for the day and we need a place to stay for the night. The Sunshine off of Maple is sketchy anymore, and I am not leaving Baby there for the general public to gawk at and hurt.”

“Calm your tits, Dean. You can stay here with Max and I.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. We can get the extra bed setup for you two. Just for tonight?”

“Yeah. And we would be getting in pretty late.”

“I’m good with you guys getting in at whatever time. What are you guys down here for, if I can ask?”

“The class reunion? You should have gotten a letter in the mail or an email about it. I don’t know how they found us, but they did. We actually just got back from Castiel’s reunion, and now we are down here for this one. Are you coming?”

“When does it start? I would love to go but I don’t think that we ever got something in the mail about it- oh. Yeah we got that but I never opened it.”

“It starts now and there is food. Apparently there are games too. So, you in?”

“Yeah. We will be there soon. See ya then!”

“Bye, Jo.” Dean ended the call, and ignoring the pointed look from Castiel about ‘intruding on others’, he pulled out onto the street and made his way to the school. It was a little less fancy looking than Castiel’s, but it was still a sort of home to Dean. A messed up, disturbed, awkward kind of home. He probably spent more time here than he did at his own home though. He was shaken from his thoughts when he felt a gentle tap on his arm.

“Dean? Are you planning on going in any time soon?” Castiel was obviously concerned about something, and it took Dean looking at the clock to realize that they had been sitting in the schools lot for five minutes without getting out. Dean nodded, aware of how this must look.

“Yeah. Just, remembering that it was because of people like me that people like you hated school so much. I was the ‘Inias’ in my school.” He spoke quietly, ashamed for his actions. He remembered being the one to shove the younger kids into the gym lockers, pushing the freshman around, even being the bully to the teachers that were so desperately trying to help him. He saw Castiel looking at him from the corner of his eye.

“Why should that matter to me? That was a long time ago, Dean. We are happy like this, just the two of us.”

“Just the two of us, against the world. Yeah, I know.” He nodded, reassuring himself of everything, and finally took to opening Baby’s door, stepping outside into the muggy Kansas air. Castiel followed suit quickly, and was just as quick to thread their fingers together in an act of solidarity. That gave Dean the needed extra little bit of strength, and they began the walk from the parking lot, where he had more than once done donuts, and into the building which housed the dark secrets that he had sworn to forget. But those doubts were quick to melt away as they stepped into the warm school.

It was just the same as it always was, if not seeming a little smaller to him. The hallways were just as dirty as they always had been, years of ingrained dirt in the floors, and the overall dusty looking walls. There was one square on the wall that was a lighter color than the rest of the school, and Dean figured that there must have been an old photograph there that they had taken down a few years back. To the left were rows upon rows of lockers, the tall ones, where the skinny kids could stand in them completely. To the right was the gym where warm light was flooding out into the hallway. Unconsciously, much like a moth, he made his way to the warm glow and the jovial laughter that emerged from the gym. He barely registered that he was pulling Castiel along with him. He really shouldn’t have been nervous, as a few people already knew about him and Cas, but those that didn’t didn’t for a reason. They were cruel, relentless, much like he himself was when he went here as a student.

“Dean? Dean Winchester? Is that you? My goodness, it has been a long time!” A fiery ball of black hair came bounding up to him, enveloping him in a warm, if not boney, hug.

“Pam?” He pulled the woman off of him and saw with delight that it was indeed Pamela. She hadn’t really aged that much. In fact, she still looked like she could be young enough to attend the school.

“Yeah! I didn’t know that you were coming? Here, you and- uh, him- take a name tag. Write your name, neatly.” She shoved two name tags into his hands, and a sharpie along with it. Dean turned to Castiel, both sets of eyes wide with shock at her being so forward. They put the name tags on one another, writing the others name for them. ‘Dean’ was written in long, sloping, slightly cursive letters, while ‘Castiel’ was slightly choppy and made of block letters. It was a simple reminder that they belonged to each other. Dean handed the sharpie back to Pam who took it without a word, turning to greet a few more people that had just walked in the door.

“Was that a little odd? Or is that how she always was?” Castiel’s eyes had yet to return to their normal size.

“That was odd. When we went to school she was the stoner in our class. We had another, his name was Andy. I haven’t seen him though, so I don’t know if he is here or not.”

“Well we only got here a little bit ago, so I wouldn’t expect you to see him right away.”

“Yeah, I know. Oh hey, I just spotted the food table, and they have actual pie. Let’s go.”

_The air surrounding them had gotten heavy with moisture, they had been in that museum for so long that the sun had begun to set and the street lamps were beginning to turn on. For a first date it had turned out pretty well. Of course, Castiel had ignored his date the entire time, but that didn’t stop him from having a blast with the other man. They held hands, yeah, and even shared a small kiss, but he was so enthralled with the stars that decorated the interior of the building that he had barely registered that Dean was there at all._

_As they exited the building, actual stars had begun to become spattered along the sky, dotting the fading light with small bursts of energy. Castiel, tired from a day of exploring the constellations and running around the museum such as a child would, grew weary as they made their way back to the Impala, one of the last cars in the parking lot. They were one of the last pairs of guests emerging from the museum, it’s lights starting to flicker off as the janitorial crew made their way around and picked up after the people that only wished to make their lives happier by experiencing the magic of science._

_“I take it that you had fun in there.” Dean chuckled gently as Castiel walked slowly to the Impala, leaning heavily on the door as he tried to open it. Castiel looked up over the roof of the car to Dean whose white smile shone bright in the fading light._

_“Yeah. Yeah I did.” Managing to open the door and get in without taking a finger off, he finally got the rest of his thoughts out. They had grown fuzzy in his head as the rush of the day and the heat of the car piled onto him. “I’m sorry that I didn’t really spend any time with you. That wasn’t very nice of me, was it? I mean, you went there to spend time with me and I blew you off to look at floating orbs of gas in the sky. I’m sorry.” He could feel himself slowing down, but he figured that he was awake enough to make it back to Dean’s apartment. But at the sound of Dean’s chuckle, he looked over to the other man who started up the engine, letting it grumble only a little bit before making her turn over and actually start._

_“It was the best date of my entire life.” He held up a hand when Castiel began to shake his head ‘no’. “I got to see the real Castiel. The one that I grew up reading about. The one that got caught up in talking about the things he loved. You were so in love with the entire museum that you didn’t even notice that I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. The way that you were running about, talking about everything you saw as if you were an expert, it was amazing. I actually had to stop a few people from going up to ask you about things because they thought that you worked there, from how much you knew. You talked about things that weren’t on the info cards- the history of each star, the odd historical meaning of Orion’s belt, and how it pointed to the brightest star in the sky, Sirius. How the three-in-a-row was seen all around the world; the Egyptian pyramids pointing to a major place of worship in Egypt, or how about the Great Pyramids of Teotihuacan? You know so much about all of this stuff, you really should have been an astrologist. While journalism is very much- you,” he gestured to Castiel who was now furiously blushing, “astronomy is in your heart.” They stayed like that for a moment, the heat rising in Castiel’s cheeks from the downpour of compliments. Dean, finally unsure of what to do with the silence that now embraced them like a long lost friend, pulled Baby into drive and made his way onto the street. The overhead sky was shrouded in clouds, and a breeze had formed as they made their way to a nearby Village Inn._

_“Dean, are we really getting food?” He laughed at the way Dean looked ashamed that they had pulled in to this place. “I’m joking, I’m always up for food. Come on, let’s eat.” Castiel patted Dean’s arm, the weight of the day slowly slipping from his shoulders as he got his second wind back. A few patrons were sitting inside, and the few employees looked thrilled to be seeing these two men walk towards their restaurant._

_“Table for two, then?” The waitress, overly happy at this time of night (granted that it was only about ten) hopped over to them, menu’s in hand. Dean answered, as smooth as the whiskey he drinks._

_“Uh, table for- yeah. There are two of us. Both, yeah.” Maybe it was because it was at that moment that a brand new pecan pie came out of the kitchens, or if it was because the woman looked like a female version of Castiel. Dark brown hair, lighter blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the night. Either way, Castiel would ever know, for she led them to a table near the window, facing out to the scenery of the parking lot._

_“Thanks, Tanya.” Castiel thanked her and opened up his menu, waiting for Dean to do the same… ok, for the waitress to go away so that they could talk. “Smooth as crunch peanut butter, dude.”_

_“Shut up, she caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting to see a ‘you’ standing in front of me, and to also have you standing behind me.”_

_“Well that went over well, I thought.” Castiel didn’t even try to hide his chuckle as he dug his nose into the menu._

_“Have you decided on what you would like?” Tanya was back, pen and paper in her hand, and a bright smile on her face. Was she wearing red lipstick before? Castiel couldn’t be sure._

_“I would like a hot chocolate, a glass of water, and a tall stack of chocolate chip pancakes. Can I get whipped cream on that?” Tanya nodded and jotted it all down._

_“You are such an adult, Cas.” Castiel reached over the table and flicked Dean’s ear good-naturedly, settling back down into his seat, and waited for his date to answer. “Sweet iced tea, and a Mickey Mouse pancake, and a side of bacon.” Tanya smiled as she wrote it down._

_“Oh, and you’re the adult of this relationship? Nice try.” Castiel chuckled and let Tanya walk off, a quick ‘thank you’ following in her wake. She waved an arm in recognition and Castiel turned back to Dean._

_“I don’t get how either of us are mature enough to have money of our own and go to a pancake house at ten o’clock at night.”_

_“Especially when the ‘adult’ of the duo orders off of the kiddie menu.”_

_“In defense, I never had anyone cook for me when I was young so I indulge myself when I can.”_

_“Why not just ask for a sippy cup on top of the order?”_

_“Because I do have some dignity.”_

_“Again, the adult who is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt.”_

_“Don’t you start harping on Floyd. They rock.”_

_“They are rocks, in the ground.”_

_“I have half a mind to leave you here after we are done eating.”_

_“I have half a mind to take your keys off of the table- wait, I already did that.” He chuckled and held up the Impala’s keys between his fingers, jingling them in front of Dean’s nose._

_“You suck.”_

_“Very well.”_

_“Dude!”_

_“Here you go boys! Enjoy the meal! Don’t forget to look at the pie menu. Is there anything else that I can get you?”_

_“How about a barf bag?” Dean looked shocked at the fact that something so dirty had come from those sweet lips across the table. The poor waitress looked more than confused at the request._

_“I-I’m sorry?”_

_“Ignore him. He can’t stand that fact that I am just amazing. We’re good, thank you.”_

_“Sure thing.” She didn’t sound too sure about her voice, but she walked away with a smile on her face. The two men ate their meal with a decent amount of silence between them, only a few jokes cracked atop the piles of bacon and whipped cream. The hot chocolate was left forgotten until halfway through the meal… Dean was tossing bits of bacon at Castiel (who was ducking away from most of them) and one ended up splashing into the drink, sending a spray of half warm liquid out onto the table._

_“See what you did?” Dean motioned to the drink and the surrounding mess of which Castiel was in the beginning stages of cleaning with a napkin._

_“What I did? You threw the bacon!”_

_“And you didn’t drink the drink!” Their petty squabble was ended instantly as a crack of thunder rattled the Inn, and a flash of lightning illuminated the sky. They finished their meal, ordered a piece of apple and a piece of pecan pie to go, and paid. They made it to the car before the rain hit. They stored the pies inside where it was safe, and Dean reached into the backseat to pull out a large leather jacket. Castiel watched with curious eyes as Dean walked out into the middle of the field behind the Inn, large droplets of rain beginning to fall upon them. As another streak of lightning flashed across the sky, Castiel ran to Dean, joining him under the jacket that he had hoisted above his head._

_It felt like they were underwater. Not just because of the constant sheet of rain that was now falling down upon them, the downpour that threatened to wash away their very existence. But it was the sky in turmoil above them that made it seem like they were drowning. It was like being in an oil painting of the underside of the ocean- not just any ocean, but the ocean that swallowed Jonah whole. It’s sickly greens and indigo blues, the inky purples and the deepest of blacks. The clouds crashed above them, the storm seemed to crackle with electricity. But there, on the edge of their vision, was the silhouette of something amazing. A single tree, barren of leaves and life. But it wasn’t just the tree that drew their attention, it was how it instantly exploded in a series of fireworks and showers of fire, hit by a bolt of lightning; it illuminated the sky that was threatening to heave it’s entire contents onto the two young men huddled together. One, cowering and shaking from the power of the explosion, curled into the arms of the other. The other stood laughing, holding onto the cowering one, admiring the sky for it’s intense beauty. Dean heard something from under his chin where Castiel had tucked himself after the tree exploded._

_“What was that?” Dean bent down to hear over the gush of rain that swept by them._

_“I’m cold. Can we go?” Castiel looked up to Dean, admiring the way that he too was cast in shadow but his eyes were brighter than the electricity that crackled along the now calming skies._

_“Yeah, we can go.” Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel, and the two made it back to the Impala, dripping wet, shivering, and laughing. The storm was over yet the static that was still in the air clung to them, causing them to crackle with a static of their own. As they crawled into the car, jaws shaking and fingers numbed by the cold, they shared a trembling kiss. Finally Dean started up the car, and they rushed home, desperate to wash off the day with a nice hot shower._

“Wow! That was hot!” Dean bit at his lip, trying to regain it’s feeling after being scalded by the coffee. He had been startled by a hand on his shoulder. “Ash?” Dean set the cup down on the table and found Ash, the quirky little guy all the way back from third grade.

“Hey Dean! I see that you have a friend on your arm. Who is that?” He had grown his hair out. No he didn’t- yeah he did.

“Nice mullet, man.” Dean coughed one last time, chasing the burning liquid with cool air.

“Oh, thanks man!” He ran a hand through his hair, flipping the longer bits back over his shoulder. “Business in the front, and a party in the back!”

“Well, I dig it.” Dean laughed a little bit at the hair thing before turning and tapping Castiel. He turned to them, placing  a smile on his face as he held out his hand to this new guy. “Ash, this is Castiel.”

“Cas-Castiel? As in the pen-pal from Missouri’s class?” Dean was shocked that he had remembered that. But then again, Ash did graduate at top of his class of MIT, engineering and computer sciences. The kid was freaky smart.

“Yeah, I am.”

“And you two are, like… what? What is this?” He motioned to the two of them, and Dean noted that the only kind of shirt he was wearing was a jean vest, that was open in the front, and had the sleeves ripped off. Classy Ash.

“We- we’re partners. I would say soul-mate, but that a little too cheesy for me. By a long shot.” Castiel answered for them, and when something was too cheesy for Castiel, it was WAY too cheesy for Dean. They may have been soul-mates, but that wasn’t something you said out loud.

“Well, that’s- I’m not sayin’ that it’s weird, but- well, congrats. I uh, don’t see a ring though. Did y’all just forego that little detail or what?” That was a question that they knew would come up eventually, but they had never really discussed how to answer that. It wasn’t that they didn’t want the rings, they did, but just the whole act seemed a little monotonous to them. Sure, gay marriage had been legalized in every state back in 2015, but they still weren’t content with the actions taken against any member of the gay community. They had tried to hide the fact that they were gay from their realtors, seeing as how the first one literally dumped them on the side of the road when he saw them holding hands as they walked up to a house. So having a band on your finger, that little cuff that signaled that you were bound forever to someone, especially that someone being of the same gender, it was like metal handcuffs.

“We just never thought that we needed rings to remind us that we loved each other. We did end us getting married in ‘17, but we never needed the rings to tell us that we only belong to one another.”

“Besides, Cas and I, we hold hands and kiss enough in public that people know what we are. We get disgusted looks, even know, but we can deal with that. I wouldn’t be able to deal with some wacko running up to us and cutting our rings off because our lives differed with theirs. It didn’t scare us, per say, but it was enough that we decided to forget them.” At least, that’s what Dean had told himself. He refused to admit that in the glove compartment of Baby, in a little box of spare bolts, was a simple black-silver band.

“Well, whatever works for y’all.” Ash nodded in understanding, and shook their hands once more before turning and nearly tackling a guy a few feet away. Dean glanced to Castiel, knowing full well that talking about the fact that people still didn’t accept the love of people. Not only strangers, but his own parents. Dean remembered when he had met Cas’ mom- she had kicked both of them out onto the street… it was the middle of December.

“You good, Cas?” Dean placed a hand on his mans shoulder, double checking that he was all good. Castiel nodded and they finished making their rounds.

The first prize for the pie eating contest (of which Dean won easily with seven pieces before everyone else gave up) was a $40 gift card to Village Inn. Benny, who accepted them completely, won the apple bobbing contest. A few people congratulated Dean and Castiel after they figured out who they were and what the story was, and even a few people who remembered the early Dean told Castiel just how much Dean talked about him when he was younger. They even ended up making Dean blush by the fact that they remembered him disobeying his father and writing during lunch and recess a few times.

“Guys, stop, that’s enough.”

“Oh, it’s never enough. We can never stop talking about this love story.”

“Ok, that’s it. We have to leave- shit.”

“Hey, Jo!” Castiel wrapped her in a quick hug, letting her go for fear of breaking her. Well that wasn’t really a problem as she would probably be the one breaking them. She hugged Dean next.

“You do realize that it’s nearly seven, right? You only came for the food.” Dean, although impressed by her thinking, was a little annoyed because she had said that she would be here sooner.

“Of course I came for the food. And also to make sure that you guys know that the bed is all ready for you guys. I’m going to a movie right after eating so I am also here to give you guys the key. “ She handed off a small golden key to Dean and walked away just as quickly as she had walked in, headed towards the buffet that was laid out.

“Hey, do you just want to go? Let’s just go and sleep. I’m tired. It’s been a long day.” Castiel did indeed yawn, and Dean knew when he was and wasn’t faking, and that was not a fake yawn.

“Yeah, we can go. Let me say goodbye real quick. You can head out to the car, I promise that I will only be a few minutes.” Castiel nodded, and Dean placed a quick kiss to his temple before turning to the few around him. Castiel made his way out.

“So, Dean.” Benny, also from the original class in third grade spoke up from the group around them. “Did you like, kidnap him or something? Because this can’t be real. The whole thing of you guys having never met and then you guys falling in love-”

“I like to think that he’s my better half. It was just destiny that we were paired. Now I have to say goodbye, I need to get back to him. It was awesome to see you guys again.” He patted Benny on the shoulder (grabbing his number on the way out), said a quick goodbye to Lee, and then headed out to the parking lot.

“Hey, did I ever say thank you for coming with me? I don’t think I did.” He knew that his lopsided grin would get a kiss from Castiel, but he wasn’t expecting the response that came from those perfect lips.

“If we get to Jo’s house quickly, you could thank me in depth.” His blue eyes shined in a devilish way and Dean started the car as quick as he could, flooring out of the parking lot and making it back to Jo’s house in record time.

_They lay back on the bed, hair still damp, and just sweatpants as clothing. Castiel listened to Dean’s steady breathing, breathed in the addicting scent of him- leather, soil, and a little bit of oil. Even after a shower he still smelled like a garage, but Castiel didn’t mind. It was a good smell. This whole experience was good. The smells, the people, the home. He never wanted it to end. It was addicting, knowing that this life was just a few hours away from his college, and knowing that if he honestly wanted to, he could make this his own life. He just had to get up the nerve enough to talk to Dean about what this was. He was just about to open his mouth when Dean beat him to it._

_“I really like this. You, here with me. I do. But I don’t know how we would ever make this work.” His voice didn’t quite echo through the room, but the air still enough that his voice bounced through the room gently._

_“I was just thinking the same thing.” Castiel’s voice wasn’t as loud as Dean’s, but that didn’t matter. Dean leaned up on one elbow to look over at Castiel. “I don’t want to go, Dean. I know I have to but I really don’t want to.” Dean now had a crease in his forehead. Was that worry painting itself across his face?”_

_“You really don’t want to go?” That wasn’t worry, that was astonishment. That prompted Castiel to lean up on his own elbow, facing Dean next to him._

_“No, I really don’t. This is always what I’ve wanted. Someone who actually cares about people other than himself. I don’t want to leave this behind. I graduate soon. I’m almost done with my papers, and the semester will end soon. I don’t want to leave this behind.” Dean reached out with his other hand, wiping away a tear that Castiel didn’t know had escaped as he was talking._

_“Then don’t. Finish your semester, then come back. Come live here, with me. By the time you get here Sam will have left for college. Castiel, I want this too. I want us.” He scooted a bit closer, closing the gap between the two men that were so wanting the loving touch of another. Something that one had been deprived of his entire life, the other who lost it along with his family’s sanity._

_“Would you ever leave me to the streets? I can’t deal with that again. I can’t deal with more people that I love forgetting me and letting me to live my own life without anything but the clothes on my back.”_

_“Never. I would never leave you on your own. And even if I did, which I won’t, I would give you everything that you would ever need. But you would never need anything if you stayed here, you would never want for anything. At least, I would do my best.”_

_“Dean, I just don’t want to be alone.” He finished closing the space between them, bodies pressed close, legs intertwined, faces close._

_“Then don’t be. Stay here. Stay here with me.” He paused, took a deep breath. “I need you.” Castiel didn’t even have to answer with words, just pressed their lips together. He sank into the kiss, leaning on Dean’s compassion and warmth. Castiel felt himself sink farther into the bed, Dean pressing down from above. He paused one last time. “Will you stay, Castiel?”_

_“Yes. I will stay.” They melted into the bed one last time, letting the world burn away._

The drive home was quick, and both men were tired from the night before. So getting back to their house in such a short amount of time was what made them both sigh in relief. Dean turned off the car, letting the engine’s roar die down before even going to move. They got out at the same time, even stretching their arms above their heads in unison. Castiel reached into the backseat and grabbed the duffle and the duo headed up the front steps. Dean stopped though, much to Castiel’s surprise.

“Hang on, I forgot something. S-stay there.” Castiel nodded, unsure of what was going on but trusting Dean anyways, set the bag onto the stone path in front of their homemade house. He watched Dean crawl into the passenger's seat and dig for something either below the seat or even the glovebox, but he wasn’t sure.

“Dean, you OK?” He called to his partner, concerned for the slightly erratic behavior that he was witnessing. Dean just gave him a thumbs up before finally finding whatever it was he was looking for, and closing the door behind him. Castiel made to pick up the bag, but Dean halted him.

“Castiel. It’s been ten years since Sam’s graduation. Another ten since the wreck. It’s been twenty years since we first started writing. For twenty years, 24/7, I have loved every piece of you. Your odd little quirks, the way you smile, your eyes, your heart. But I realized something when we were at my reunion and was being asked about not having rings. We need something to let people know.” He held up a hand to stop the protest that Castiel was about to make. So he closed his mouth and focused back on those candy apple green eyes that he so loved. “So I had this made. A while back, yeah, but I didn’t know when to give it to you.” Castiel watched in awe as his partner, his technical husband, get down onto one knee in front of him, in front of their house, in front of their car.

“Castiel Novak-Winchester. You are the absolute love of my life and it took me forever to admit to, not only myself, but to you. Will you, my husband, please accept this ring as a token of my devotion to you and your sweet ass?” Castiel was almost touched by the moment, but it was interrupted by the ‘sweet ass’ thing. That moment returned soon enough as Dean pulled an amazing black and silver ring from his pocket. Castiel let his hand fall towards Dean, who promptly slid the ring onto the correct finger. He used Castiel to get back up onto his feet, but that didn’t last for long. Castiel, though shorter and lighter than his husband, tackled him with a kiss so passionate that they fell to the ground and into the grass.

“Of course. My sweet ass appreciates you and your sweet words of love.” They both chuckled and kissed some more. They didn’t even get up from the grass, just laid in it for the longest time. Castiel admired the ring on his finger, the life he had, and the man on his arm. For a moment, as Castiel looked over Dean, his eyes closed and soft smile on his face, he looked like he was a kid. Happy with the simple things in life. At that moment, Castiel couldn’t help but wonder what would his life, their lives, would have been like if they hadn’t become pen-pals?

They probably would never have survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I have loved working these characters, they do not belong to me. They are the sole property of Jensen, Jared, Misha, and the writers of Supernatural. All rights of the characters go to them.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about how I came up with this idea. Part of me writing this little thing is to remind myself to keep writing, because it's getting hard to find the time and motivation. The other reason is that of all of the other "pen-pal" fics I've read, and I really do have to boast, mine is the best. So here is how I figured out Letters In The Mail...
> 
> **Also, I start ranting at the end, so I am sorry, but I had to talk. Oh well.**

Coming up with ideas for things to write about has always been easy for me, but the follow through is why I have yet to become a published author... i can always think of new ideas and I can write down the whole story in seven sentences- but after that, I fall apart. I get lost, and I fumble around, and then I give up.

 

Trust me, this ties in: 

I have a personal library that consists of over 200 books. They range from children's picture books (Roald Dhal and Dr. Seuss) to complex novels (The Blindness and As I Lay Dying) to Y/A novels ( I Hunt Killers and The Fault In Our Stars). As I was going through my books, trying to figure out a good way to reorganize them, I came across a book that I've read WAY too often to be acceptable to society, yet I hadn't read it in years. I know enough of it by heart that I can just skim every page to read it, but that night, I sat down and read the entire thing. The book in question?

 

It's about two girls, one from Lexington, Kentucky (America) and lives in what some would call a mansion. She attends the country club, and goes to a private school, and has many friends who are very popular. The other girl lives in the deep, rural part of Kentucky where the mail still gets delivered by a man on horse, the roads get flooded out several times a year because of rain and mud, and where her grandfather works in the mines to keep food on the table for his ENTIRE family. Their schools set out to do an exchange program where one girl from each school will go to the other for two weeks, and then vice verse for the other, to learn about living a different way. While they are at the other girls' school and staying in her house, they both must write in a journal about what they learn about themselves and about what is going on around them. It starts out innocent enough, with the girls not quite sure of how to handle themselves in such odd circumstances. Then everything starts to fall apart, and there's chaos everywhere, and who knew that two such different girls, could be so connected in the worst of ways?

 _Faith, Hope, and Ivy June_ by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. (This is not what is written on the inside cover of the book. This is my own version.)

 

I reread this entire book in a single night. It's not small either, but it's smaller than many. It's simple, being from the viewpoint of middle school aged girls, but the story is complex. Riveting, chaotic, innocent, and (how do I say 'brutally thrown, raped, beaten, and kicked into adulthood' nicely?). It suddenly came to me. The innocence of these girls is what MADE the story. It brushed by complex situations with the ingenuity that a 12-13 year old can, yet held onto the lingering compassions of childhood like a grown person finding their baby blanket amidst the dust of an old, locked trunk in the attic. 

 

I never fully formed an idea of what was happening inside my head. I know that I quickly wrote down 'pen pals' on a piece of paper, and stuffed it into my back pocket for a little while. That little while being a few weeks. I never wrote, in those few weeks, a single word about my story, but I played the movie in my head, over and over, every day. At first I watched just a few minutes in the middle, then I saw a scene at the end, and then a few sentences from the middle showed up, and the beginning never quite fell into place for me. I had the characters molded in my head, their scars and traumas thought of, and their story told. I never knew the details though. You see, when I daydream, I do so in black and white. Nighttime dreams are colorful, because you aren't thinking, but daydreams are complicated. So when I see their "movie", I am really just seeing the trailer. You get the general idea, but you don't know the ending and you don't know the conversations, but you see the big picture. That's what I saw for this.

I saw two teenage boys running into one another's arms, and I saw a young child crying at the foot of his bed. I saw a rollercoaster of what could be, and what can be, yet I had no clue how to get on. 

 

Trust me, this ties in:

WAAAAYYY back in about third or fourth grade, my school was given the chance to get a pen pal from Africa! We had gotten pictures and a list of everybody from that classroom, and we were each told to choose a person on that list. I was the last person to get that list, so I chose the last person on it. I don't remember her name, because I only wrote it once. That first letter I sent was typed, double spaced, and was close to two pages long. I was told by my teacher that because English wasn't their first language, it would be harder for them to read our letters than it would be for us to read theirs. And so our letters were sent out in the mail. We had each stamped our very own envelope. 

I don't know if they never got them, or if they were unable to read what we wrote and couldn't write back, or if something had happened to them so that they weren't able to ever reply. I now know that during the time that we sent our letters, girls being in school and learning was something that was, more than a little, frowned upon. Many of the kids in that class were female. I also now know that during that time, and even to present day, young girls, and boys, were/are being kidnapped and stolen from their families. Some were sold into slavery (yes, that still is a thing in some parts of the world), some were turned into prostitutes, and some were even made as target practice.

I never got a reply, and I wanted one. So there was the beginning of my story!  _What if I don't get a reply? What if I'm too weird? What if-?_

 

I never wrote a single word of this on paper, or computer, for nearly two months after the initial idea. I didn't know how I was going to write this out. Just how DO you write a story about pen pals? Whose POV do you use? Where does the story line start, and who does it start with? Then I found the book again... And suddenly, in less than one week, I had the first chapter done. A week later was the second, the third chapter came in just five days. The fourth was in four, the fifth was in three, up until I was writing 8,000k a day- easily. I edited on the spot, and still do. Because I didn't have any notes to go off of, everything that I wrote was made up on the spot. Some things were changed later on as I was writing, and continuity was sometimes hard to follow, but there it was. 

It was easier than ever to write this. I threw myself into this work. It may have taken only one day to write a chapter, but it took me a few days to completely finish editing it and making sure that it was as good as it could be. Yes, even now there are mistakes, but I will get to those eventually. 

 

The hardest part about writing this though? It wasn't that fact that I didn't have a story board or a script to go off of. It wasn't that I didn't know what I was doing and had no clue on how to get there. It was the fact that I was in college. I had a roommate who LOVED to look at what I was doing. She never blatantly said that she read my stuff, but every once and a while, something would slip from her that could have only come from this story. Sometimes, because of her, it would take me twice, even thrice as long to complete a chapter because she was being so nosey about it. She wasn't doing it in a mean way though, she was simply curious. She just didn't... didn't have the brain power to NOT read over my shoulder at what I was doing. I don't think she ever read the entire thing though, or found out the title. Thank goodness, because if she found me on here, I don't know what I would do with myself. Well- no, we won't get into that. 

But the easiest part about writing this? It's that I DIDN'T have a story board, and that I DIDN'T have a script. I could do whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. Some things had a place to go and they went there, like a fixed point in time (Doctor Who reference), while the rest of it was wibbly, wobbly. 

There were two very satisfactory things about this though. Three, actually. The first? I had my French Fans cheering me on the entire way. Héloïse, Lætitia, Juliette, and Françoise. I miss you guys, and I hope you are doing well. The second was that I was actually writing something that was very near and dear to me. I felt connected to it in many ways, and I had completely fallen in love with it. The third was when I finished. I had some of the girls from my dorm enquire as to what I was working on and editing so often. So finally when I told them (with changed names and places of course, because I don't want them thinking that I'm more of a loser that I already am compared to them) about what I was writing, and how it was over 80,000k words, and that it was 21 chapters long, they were stunned. They were saying things about how the longest thing they had ever written was a six page essay for school, or a short story that was four pages. So I replied to them this- The short story that I had to turn in for my final grade in my senior year creative writing class was supposed to be just that, a short story. Everyone's was five-nine pages long. The second longest in the class was 12 pages, double spaced. Mine? Well, my final was 13 pages long, single spaced. Double spaced it was 24... They were speechless! And so was I. My teacher had docked points on my final because it was TOO long and TOO descriptive, whereas my classmates were enthralled that I could do something so amazing! (BTW, if you want to read my final that I turned in for that class, I have it uploaded to AO3 under the title  _Gasoline.)_

 

They were amazed that I had such talent, that I could do such amazing things. They were astonished that I was shocked that they actually thought I was talented. THAT is why I want to keep writing. THAT is why I want to be better than I am. Because THEY believe in me! I was ridiculed in Elementary, Middle, and even High school for constantly writing. I had notebooks FULL of stories where I would go on adventures with brave dragons, and save the scared prince from the tower. I still have a few of those notebooks... but most of them got taken away by teachers. I was told not to write because it distracted from my learning.

I realize that this is going on a rant about school and crap, but listen... I am literally writing this at like, midnight, and I am not stopping to edit this. I'm not even writing this in a Google Doc first because I am just going to publish this and then go to bed. But you need to hear this. I know you do because  _I_ needed to. I needed to know that even though I was told my ENTIRE life to: "Stop reading in class!" "You aren't allowed in the library during lunch anymore." "Are you writing notes about what's going on? No? Then put it away." "Hand over the notebook. You won't be seeing it again." "Congratulations, you just got detention. Why? Because you didn't stop reading during class!", I couldn't, I WOULDN'T stop writing.

 

It always hurt to have those things said to me. So for years I would only write when I was alone. I didn't tell or show anyone. So when I started writing Letters In The Mail, and my final for Creative Writing class, and You're A Good Listener, and everything else, I felt good again. So I kept at it. I wrote the lives of these young boys based on my own experiences. I wrote their fears from my own, their strengths from my own, their compassion and loyalty from my own. The characters grew and blossomed, and frankly, so did I. 

 

I don't write as much as I used to. My depression has deprived me of what I once loved. I don't read as much either. I don't laugh as much nor do I truly smile as much. But when I read this, and when I read the comments, and when I read  _Faith, Hope, and Ivy June,_ I always feel complete again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not much, but there you have it. There is how I wrote LITM and how I kept going through it all. Who knew that the girl that had her notebooks thrown away by teachers because she couldn't stop writing would someday have her word read and loved by people from all around the world? 
> 
> SUCK IT, TEACHERS!! 
> 
> Oh, I don't plan to edit this chapter at all, so any mistakes are there to stay. Welcome to my sleep deprived brain, after working all week, at midnight.


End file.
